Difficult relationship with daughter/codependency issues

poet123

It sounds awful OP, and all I can think of to say is that we can only try to do as our conscience dictates and yours is clear. You have tried to help and do the right thing from what you say, you really can't do any more.

As an aside though, what strikes a chord with me reading this is that it could be (though I am sure it is not) the other side of the story of another thread on MSE, is the poster called Wiggy or something like that? We offer advice, we sympathise but really we could, in another situation or another thread, offer the other side of the story the same empathy. MSE is a strange beast sometimes.

determined_new_ms

So 4 days on....

I have spent the last 4 days just trying to process the things that have happened on Wednesday and the feelings that have been stirred up by this meeting, but also over the last 1 1/2 months. I have moved from anger at the professionals, feeling hurt by the things that have been said to slowly trying to get an objective perspective on it all. I have also used the time to do things for myself & my own life. I went to my sewing group, threw myself into work, went to the cinema on Friday with my oh, met with a friend yesterday afternoon, went out in the evening with another friend. While I have been hurt and when I am on my own I have been thinking about what has happened it has been good to be busy, occupied and not be consumed by someone else. I have also been composing a letter of complaint to Social Services.

Today I arranged to take my daughter food shopping & took her and my granddaughter for Sunday dinner to give us a chance to get some balance back, but also I knew I was going to raise the meeting and some of the issues around our relationship. When I picked her up she said "I don't know if I've got my bank card" and promptly took her purse out of her bag and looked through it. This is the purse she *lost* just before New Year. This resulted in about 3 weeks of drama and trauma, us buying her milk, nappies & food. I didn't say anything, but have noted it for future reference - to myself.

During the lunch I raised the subject of the meeting. I have come to the realisation (god I'm so stupid I didn't even consider it until meritaten said it. And in truth originally felt quite defensive for my daughter at this post) that the professionals only have this opinion of me because of what she must have said about me. I said this to my dd and she said they think she is wonderful and a great parent and she says to them I am a "b**ch" and I am "trying to ruin her life". She also says she hasn't told them how much we help her or how often we have our dgd. She acknowledged given this they must think when I call up I am a b**ch trying to ruin her life.

I said to her that she saw me being treated badly and she & I knew I was telling the truth. Again she acknowledged this but said she couldn't stand up for me or stop it otherwise things would come up she didn't want them to know.

We talked about how she will often cause a drama and make things seem a lot worse than they are to get me to do whatever it is she wants me to do. She said she knows she does this and often she will say really extreme things to cause me distress if I refuse to do what she wants. I explained given the situation I was put in on Weds I can't take this on anymore, I can't be left worried out of my mind with no one to speak to about my worries. This is no way for me to live, it is destroying me and my life. I am entitled to have a life. The irony being she doesn't have to make it a life or death situation, she is my daughter and if I can, and the requests are reasonable, I will help her I explained.

I wonder whether she saw what was happening on Weds and realised what she is doing to me. She did seem sorry & regretful about what had happened. She asked me if I have noticed that she has backed off from me since I asked her to a couple of weeks ago. I have but didn't know if this was another step in the dance. Who knows? Only time will tell. If she doesn't and continues to manipulate me I have to learn to break away, gain some perspective and a bit of cynicism, at some point.

I take on board the comments people have made about cutting off & having a break at some point and I understand where the posters are coming from. But this is just not possible at the moment for me. I am trying to learn to "detach with love" I need to be to some degree detached while also supporting in a way that is comfortable to me. We have booked a holiday to Brazil (for 3 weeks) and we fly in 7 weeks time. This will by the very nature of being half way across the world give me some distance and she will have to cope with whatever life throws at her while I am not around. Maybe this will also give me the reassurance that she can cope with life

meritaten

she IS manipulating you hun. and its plain that there is something she doesn't want SS to know. do you know what this could be?
I am tempted to say that you are too soft - but cant, because I know I would be doing exactly the same as you - trying to help her out! it was easy for me to say 'that's the line - you crossed it'. but thinking back with my own kids, they crossed it many a time, and got forgiven and I carry on 'helping'.
But then, I haven't had SS chuck me out of meetings! I haven't had my own daughter bamboozling them and thinking I was after custody. Your daughter is what I would call a 'piece of work'. hun, you really do need to back off and withdraw monetary support. keep on with seeing your granddaughter and 'helping' there. but I would say your daughter should NOT see a penny of YOUR cash. and buying her groceries DOES come under that!
go off on holiday, be unavailable 24/7. live your life - you deserve that. HER stupid decisions shouldn't impact on you.

determined_new_ms

meritaten wrote: »

she IS manipulating you hun. and its plain that there is something she doesn't want SS to know. do you know what this could be?
I am tempted to say that you are too soft - but cant, because I know I would be doing exactly the same as you - trying to help her out! it was easy for me to say 'that's the line - you crossed it'. but thinking back with my own kids, they crossed it many a time, and got forgiven and I carry on 'helping'.
But then, I haven't had SS chuck me out of meetings! I haven't had my own daughter bamboozling them and thinking I was after custody. Your daughter is what I would call a 'piece of work'. hun, you really do need to back off and withdraw monetary support. keep on with seeing your granddaughter and 'helping' there. but I would say your daughter should NOT see a penny of YOUR cash. and buying her groceries DOES come under that!
go off on holiday, be unavailable 24/7. live your life - you deserve that. HER stupid decisions shouldn't impact on you.

You're right meritaten. Just wanted to clear up I "took her shopping" meaning I gave her a lift to the supermarket. I didn't buy her any groceries, I did my own shopping while I was there

poet123

OP I can only imagine how hard this is. I think you are doing the right thing. It is easy for others to say she has crossed a line and so you should do xyz. It is much harder to do and when you factor your GD into the equation almost impossible I would have thought. Perhaps you have given your daughter pause for thought? She clearly knows that if the authorities believed you and not her she would have issues.

If you send your letter of complaint I would put all that in it and ask for it to be documented. I would also ask whether they were confident their assessment of the situation is correct or whether they could be being manipulated by your daughter for her own ends. I would sow the seeds of doubt and the understanding that if, God forbid, anything dreadful ensued you would hold them responsible as their lack of judgement would have contributed to the situation. I would tell them that you have lodged a copy of the letter with your solicitor.

None of that will make you feel better I know, but it is all you can do to cover yourself. Try and step back and only get involved when asked or when there is no other option. Keep busy, as you said you will dwell on the issue unless you make your own life take precedence.

Good luck and cut yourself some slack.

Angelinaxoxo

I'm confused are you reporting your daughter to SS so they can take the child away or are you doing it so YOU can take care of the baby ?

You seem quite adamant to get S.S to get involved, if you want your DGD to grow up in care then I really don't approve of this plan of yours.

I'm just trying to get your purpose and I really hope you intend to help your raise DGD and you're not just doing all this so she gets taken away from her mother.

poet123

Silly me, I thought she was doing it to protect the baby.....

determined_new_ms

Angelinaxoxo wrote: »

I'm confused are you reporting your daughter to SS so they can take the child away or are you doing it so YOU can take care of the baby ?

You seem quite adamant to get S.S to get involved, if you want your DGD to grow up in care then I really don't approve of this plan of yours.

I'm just trying to get your purpose and I really hope you intend to help your raise DGD and you're not just doing all this so she gets taken away from her mother.

I have done it because I hope that my daughter will get the help I believe she needs, at least some Counselor or psychological assessment so the family can be happy.

I am sensitive to this situation so am reading your response to me as confrontational and judgemental. Are you asking me if I intend to help raise my dgd in the sense that we will have her regular times and be involved in her life? I have already said we have her one night a week during the week and every other weekend so not sure what this means? Of course we intend to be in both of their lives

paulineb_2

Angelinaxoxo wrote: »

I'm confused are you reporting your daughter to SS so they can take the child away or are you doing it so YOU can take care of the baby ?

You seem quite adamant to get S.S to get involved, if you want your DGD to grow up in care then I really don't approve of this plan of yours.

I'm just trying to get your purpose and I really hope you intend to help your raise DGD and you're not just doing all this so she gets taken away from her mother.

And what happens if the child grows up in a completely unstable environment which is what seems to be happening just now.

Would you think thats appropriate?

bossymoo

I read it as the OP is trying to get her DD help and support so both her and the little girl can live a safe and healthy life. Nowhere did I see that OP wants the baby to reside with her. Quite the opposite! She's trying to get her life back by helping the DD to cut the drama.

OP I hope she has a wake-up moment very soon and you can all get some peace!