Difficult relationship with daughter/codependency issues

determined_new_ms

So today I called the NSPCC and reported my concerns, told the man everything that has happened over the last 6 months & also about the escalation in the last month. He was concerned and agreed they would put in a referral to Children's Services. He also advised me to follow the complaints procedure if I don't feel SS are taking me seriously.

There have been several incidents with my daughter since I last posted. My daughter told me she had a doctors appt on Friday so I thought I would call the gp and raise my concerns with the gp in the hope she/he would be aware of the things going on when she turned up and also make a referral to SS themselves. Turns out she lied and has no appt.

Not really sure what to think or feel about what will happen now

top_drawer_2

I really hope it works out for you and your DGD, your daughter too. Its awful that SS are so unwilling to get involved. Maybe if your daughter could have just a little slit of insight she might realise that they could help her through this time in her life. Given the help and her motivation, things could be very different for her in a years time.

determined_new_ms

So at this point I am feeling terrible. I haven't had much contact with my daughter - expect when there has been some crisis or texts about collecting/dropping off dgd. The familiar feeling in the pit of my stomach where I am worried about her and dgd, concerned that she is keeping me at arms length and also worried about what will be the fall out after contacting the NSPCC.

The realisation that all I talk about and am consumed by is her has hit me, yet again. It's so deflating to realise it's the main focus of my life and there seems no way out at the moment. Sometimes I feel I have to break away from how unhealthy our relationship is but I'm unable to as where would this leave her, and to be honest me?

Feeling very low about it at the moment

flutterby_lil

Big (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) determined new ms - you are doing your best to try and help your DD and DGD. Your DD needs to learn that as much as you will help her out and have DGD so she has a break etc, you are not there to be walked all over. She has got to familiar with just asking for money, lifts etc and using you as a mug!

When you mentioned about the TAF (team around the family) meeting, I presume that it is social services (or part of them) that organise this meeting, is that not correct? I am just confused as you said they do not take your seriously. A TAF is organised when there are concerns for the family.

determined_new_ms

flutterby_lil wrote: »

Big (((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) determined new ms - you are doing your best to try and help your DD and DGD. Your DD needs to learn that as much as you will help her out and have DGD so she has a break etc, you are not there to be walked all over. She has got to familiar with just asking for money, lifts etc and using you as a mug!

When you mentioned about the TAF (team around the family) meeting, I presume that it is social services (or part of them) that organise this meeting, is that not correct? I am just confused as you said they do not take your seriously. A TAF is organised when there are concerns for the family.

Thanks for the hug!

My dgd was downgraded from a "Child in need" several months ago, despite me raising concerns. When my dd was pregnant unborn dgd was classed as "CiN" but after 2 months this was downgraded. This has meant she does have a TAF but they meet every 3 months. The TAF is led by the HV and my dd has a social work asst that she "sees". I believe that there were a number of actions that haven't been addressed, but again as I was not at the meeting I can't be sure as only have the information my dd give me and it isn't often reliable. I do know that following me raising concerns about the incident in mid December the only contact my dd had was over the phone until a week ago when there was a visit. Because my dd is really not coping, mood very low there has been increased contact but I believe this again has been over the phone.

I am hoping at tomorrow's meeting a more robust plan will be put in place because of the level of chaos going on. Hope springs eternal.... My dd has now been given notice on her flat but has been told by the LA that unless she pays the £200 Housing Benefit overpayment back then they won't give her emergency accommodation. I have told my dd I won't pay this as it is a never ending cycle

I think I need to be very clear, possibly at the meeting how I can help, what support we can put in place and also what we won't - i.e. no longer giving money, but am prepared to take her shopping once a week. Happy to have dgd alternate weekends and a set night each week but need to have adequate clothes, milk & nappies and we will collect & return to her flat at a set time. Currently this is changed at will and it is exhausting trying to work it all out each time. A set evening a week for dd to come to ours for dinner

determined_new_ms

Yesterday was the meeting. It could not have gone worse, and I really wish I had not gone now. At the meeting my daughter was not being truthful about her situation and how she is feeling/struggling. I did not feel that at the time it was right to say to everyone this is the case, so I just sat and observed the "professionals" giving her inaccurate advice.

However at about 40 mins into the meeting the report that I raised to the NCPCC was brought up, disclosed that it was me who made the report (even though when I did I asked that it was anonymous) and I was told in no uncertain terms that I am not to raise concerns to Social Services it was not the route to take. I was told that I keep making unfounded complaints, and I replied that this wasn't the case as I have only ever raised concerns that I have either witnessed or my daughter has told me. I then asked what I am to do when my daughter is telling me the things she does, because I do not know how to deal with it. I was asked to leave the meeting at this point.

I left, devastated. It was clear from the beginning of the meeting I wasn't welcome there by the professionals.

Later my daughter called me to see if I was ok and said she was sorry she asked me to leave but she didn't want the things I was saying to be raised. She told me after I left the SWs advised her to cut all contact with me and that I am trying to manipulate the situation so I can get custody of my granddaughter.

There is nothing more I can do. I cannot raise concerns, I cannot convince my daughter to seek help. I am devastated, hurt, worried and angry. This whole situation is killing me emotionally.

karen310

So sorry things didn't go better at the meeting.
I haven't really anything helpful to add , but I remember you posting several years ago and I had a similar thread running about my son who was 19 at the time (he is now 23) and although there are some improvements the co dependency continues .
Keep strong and continue to do what you believe is right , your dgd.is the priority now xxx

determined_new_ms

Thanks Karen. There's nothing to say is there? In the eyes of the professionals my concerns are born out of my desire to gain custody of my dgd. They are advising an incredibly isolated and struggling young woman to cut herself off from the only people who are actually there for her and support her.

I risk everything by raising these concerns and it is incredibly hard for me to do. When I speak to anyone about what is going on (other than SS) they tell me I have to raise the concerns. It's hopeless, I feel so hurt and deflated.

I now have to focus on myself and get well again as I feel so low today it's unhealthy for me to feel this way. I'm not really sure how to do this at the moment, but I have to be able to move on.

I am thinking of asking my daughter if she will have mediation with me so we can agree some boundaries in our relationship.

I'm happy to hear that things have got better for you, despite there still being difficulties.

top_drawer_2

Hello

I'm so sad that things haven't worked out the way you hoped (and the way they should have). It all seems to come down to SS desire to "do" as little as physically possible to help anyone. Its a shame because these people probably spent three years at university, studying and completing placements to help people like your daughter. They then spend their working life fending them off as the depts don't have the money to deal with anything but the absolute worst cases.

But still what a shocking way to treat someone....

Maybe you should think about backing off and not offering her anything at all for awhile. If I were you, and I know I'm not then I would consider writing her a letter(and THIS is hard, I know) telling her how much you love her, remind her of the hopes and dreams she had when she was a kid and then go on to talk about your feelings now (how hurt / deflated you feel about her situation) and wish her well but that you can't deal with it for the time being.

Then do it - block your phone / book yourself a weekend break away somewhere and take a month out. From the sounds of it she can / does cope when you put boundaries in place. It might help to be away from the situation for awhile.

For the future :

The help that's available is pretty !!!!!! - mainly assess and then "manage" the situation i.e see if it gets any worse.

It sounds like she wants someone to care for her but then she doesn't sort of like a child who wants to be independent but is scared too be alone .... or to be judged harshly by others. Maybe consider in the future looking at other forms of "help" than official help such as counselling / support groups - gingerbread / AA / drug abuse network / charities who support those with "issues"

You are by-no-means the only person who has this situation ... I know of two (young) grand-parents who deal with similar problems - I wonder if there is a support group for it, then?

meritaten

this made me cry too! I have no idea what you can do. grandparents have no rights. and your DD - stupid beetch - I want to slap her!
never ever give her any money again. to me she has gone over the line. you have only tried to help and she has convinced SS you are after her child? usually they try to place the grandchild with the grandparents - so why they are so against you has to be what your DD has said.
that would be the cut off point to me.