Everybody needs time out

foolofbeans

Just to clarify:
-He's just a regular worker, not a manager.
-Very short time to get to work (less than 10 mins) and never traffic hold ups.
-I think he just likes the social bit as his job is mainly working alone.
-He hasn't done his single person hobbies in quite a while so a few hours at the pub every now and then is all he gets.
-All work colleagues are male (so it's not an attraction to one of them...hopefully!)
We have been out together a few times but it's difficult and expensive to get a sitter and most of the time I can't be bothered as it means I have to make the house look half decent, sort the kids out and get myself ready while watching the kids.

Just to even things out - he does get up early with the kids and will usually get their breakfast while I have another half hour in bed most mornings. Is that my "me time" that I'm wasting?

fluffnutter

Never a waste of time to sleep when you've got small kids

WestonDave

To some extent the breakfast thing is a bit of a trade for the evening - you get what you presumably want/need which is sleep rather than the morning breakfast run. Been there - still doing it - to the point where if I was ill one of them would ask me to get up and make their porridge because "Mum makes it wrong". If he wasn't doing this as well as getting himself ready, he could probably get up later or get to work earlier and have that time instead of the "tea and chat"

I can only assume that the kids are all under 3 as at that stage you'd be starting them on pre-school which will give you more "you" time whilst they are elsewhere. Obviously once they start school you'll also have more time to yourself unless you start work at which point other rebalancing will be needed!

It is hard all round in the first few years and very easy to be looking over at the other persons "plate" and thinking their share looks better than mine. What you are gaining is all that time with the kids watching them grow, building strong relationships with them etc that he isn't able to do because he only sees them mostly when they are still bleary eyed and grumpy in the morning or tired and grumpy in the evening. He misses most of the golden moments where they do something for the first time or come out with something priceless.

LannieDuck

Yes, he's being selfish. And I say that as a working mother with a SAHD OH.

IMO a fair arrangement is that you both work his core hours + travel time. So 8.50-5.10, or whatever. Any chores and childcare outside that time should be shared, as should any 'downtime'.

So you get 1/2 hour each morning to sleep in... whilst he takes an hour each evening during the worst part of the day. That's not equitable. And the fact that you thought he was working during that time makes it worse.

74jax

I don't think staying back an hour if he wants to and chooses to is wrong. But if it's causing problems, then maybe its not right of your as a couple.

Your message implies that you do the cooking every day, could you maybe look at alternating. Yes you're a SAHM but that doesn't mean you do all the cooking and cleaning yourself ON TOP of the SAHM duties. Unless I read your message wrong.

I also don't think it's 'tit-for-tat' if you were to take yourself out for an hour, I'd think that was normal too.

EDIT
I've just read the page 2 update and so I do think your extra half hour in bed is 'your' time. if you see it as being wasted in bed, then do something else, if you enjoy that do that also.

I'm a believer if you don't like something or are not happy then change it, otherwise it will just carry on. He probably doesn't even know there's a problem.

catkins

I wouldn't be happy if my OH did that every working evening. If it were one or two evenings a week I wouldn't mind.


Personally even when I have had a job I enjoyed with work mates I got on well with I have always wanted to just leave at the finish time and get home especially if I knew OH would already be home

SavingPennies_2

Theres a logistical problem with "your time" though. If you dont spend it asleep you will no doubt get roped into the morning routine by either the kids or OH, unless you go out say for an early morning walk. Whereas your OH has his free time completely seperate to you.

Does his collegues stay back for an hour with him (i doubt it) or are they still working in the time he is chatting? I still cant understand wanting to stay in work for an extra hour every day.

I agree with the person that during "core hours" he does his job - you do your "job", then anything outside of that should be shared - that includes the rubbish bit as well as enjoying time together.

dizziblonde

I understand why you're cheesed off with it - you're sat there at grump-o-clock watching the clock counting the minutes until reinforcements arrive versus your remaining shreds of sanity (can you tell I've had one of those days - it started with a leg snapping off the table at breakfast and has got steadily worse...) and then you find out he's getting chill out time right at the cruddiest time of the day for you.

For me it's the fact OH takes an hour in the shower on a morning so he can lie on the bed and air dry his delicate undercarriage that bugs the life out of me while I'm wrestling two under 2s into clothes and breakfast! However he does pull his weight and when he gets in from work he'll quite often take over while I have a cup of coffee and quick flick on the internet for 10 minutes to give me just a (in)sanity break... so I tolerate the airdried asset routine in return. Quite why he doesn't use a towel like the rest of the planet has yet to be fathomed out.

DigForVictory

If he's routinely AWOL at bonkers o'clock, he needs to know this is when you want backup. (I say this only as it is just possible he Doesn't Realise.)

Don't start tit for tat, occasionally thank him for the morning kip but do please let him stroll in, feed him & then (once more likely to be cooperative), ask for help.

Taking a partly mashed banana to his work clothes may be tempting (if I found out mny husband was spending a lesiurely hour off when I thought he was working I'd be riled too) but as you rightly say "Everybody needs time out". Just not when one of you has said "at this time, I need at least four hands".

Best of luck!

houseimprover

I think you're over reacting tbh. He has to sort their breakfasts out, that can't be an easy thing surely so him not being there till later compares.