Everybody needs time out

paulineb_2

Is he a manager OP?

Threebabes

I think he is wrong. By teatime you have had enough and ready for some companionship and support with the kids.

If he was my husband he would be getting told to get himself home at finishing time.

~Beanie~

I don't think he is being selfish at all. He probably does it to wind down and just doesn't realise how upset you would get.

I do think you are over-reacting slightly though, no need to get upset or start playing tit-for-tat, just explain how you would like more help with the kids or around the house.

And no, I don't think that a couple of hours down the pub every few weeks is enough either.

SavingPennies_2

Well I like my job but I wouldnt stay back after work to chat! The occasional work night out yes, every day for an hour? Sounds like he knows thats the hard time of the day so hes staying at work longer to miss it out, then hes home in time for dinner on the table after youve sorted the kids/ cooking/ problems out. I think as a SAHM you should be doing the lions share but do deliberatly hang out at work to avoid it ever night seems unfair.

Di he give you a valid reason why he stays? I dont know anyone who does this so i cant understand any other reason than the above for doing it.

paulineb_2

Id be interested to know what down time the OP gets? And how often. Also, Ive managed staff and to be honest you should be able to factor in giving support to staff during working hours, I know things happen, but spending an hour every day having a cuppa and a chat with staff while your wife is frazzled at home cooking dinner and looking after two young kids, I dont think thats very fair at all.

I dont think tit for tat is the way to go, but if you need and want some time out or extra support yourself, you need to vocalise this.

fluffnutter

There are two things going on here - the OH's hour at work and your resentment that he's able to take this time.

I think you'd feel a whole lot better if you had some time to yourself so is this possible? Perhaps an hour is unrealistic but can you take any time off at all? How about at the weekend when your husband is around to do the childcare? How about when he gets home? Can you take yourself off for a soak in the bath, glass of wine, good book whilst he does the kids' tea/bedtime whatever?

It's not 'tit for tat'. That suggests you'd be doing something wrong. Like your title says 'everyone needs time off'. He's doing the sensible thing for his sanity by taking this time - the time he's chosen and the length might not be optimum but now you know he does this, time to start negotiating. Stop feeling put upon and resentful and start taking some time out yourself. It's not good to be a martyr so do something positive about it.

SavingPennies_2

~Beanie~ wrote: »

I don't think he is being selfish at all. He probably does it to wind down and just doesn't realise how upset you would get.

I do think you are over-reacting slightly though, no need to get upset or start playing tit-for-tat, just explain how you would like more help with the kids or around the house.

And no, I don't think that a couple of hours down the pub every few weeks is enough either.

On top of fishing..and spending an hour chatting after work every day.... I disagree.

Edited: I see now from later posts he has a fews hours in the pub only occasionally, and hasnt been finishing in a while. But I still think an hour ever day after work is a lot.

WestonDave

Whilst this sort of sharing of time etc needs to be discussed and worked out so it works for both sides, there are some factors which perhaps need to be seen from his perspective before you go in hard to try to curtail this entirely.

Firstly as has already been suggested in certain circumstances leaving on the dot of 5pm (or whatever his leaving time is) may mean that he spends longer stuck in traffic on the way home such that leaving an hour earlier makes very little difference to his arrival time.

Secondly depending on what he spends his day doing, and how pressured it is, having a time to unwind before he hits the chaos and pressure of family teatime may mean he is better placed to get straight into that in the right frame of mind rather than having to hide away at home for a while to unwind, or be snappy and irritable because work is still holding him on edge.

Again it depends on where he works and his hours, but if he finishes at 5pm, its unlikely he will be home anyway for much of the 5-6 period you mention as some of that will be taken up by travel.

I can see both sides in this situation - I worked whilst my wife was home with our two. Health reasons meant that she was just about able to get through to the time I could get home so there was no option but for me to go straight from work, commute, and right into the thick of bedtime etc without any pause. Did I sometimes feel tempted to stay on and "find" something urgent - you bet I did. Did the kids sometimes get a snappy response from me - of course.

So what I'd suggest is you work out where your limits are and he works out where his are, and you try to meet in the middle. That might be that he cuts his chat time down by a percentage, or it might be that he doesn't do it a couple of times a week, or you have a deal that if things have gone particularly badly on a day you can text him and ask him to come straight home.

paulineb_2

Weve not been told the reason he does this to be fair. Its not specified in the opening post.

Surely if she has a husband who has free time as well as work time she should be able to factor in an hour or two out to do something like go shopping, its not unrealistic that he has the kids (they have two parents after all) so that the OP can go and meet friends for example or go shopping and the kids can stay at home with him, or get some time out to do something she wants to do, gym, swim, whatever shes interested in.

I appreciate that children need a lot of input, but I dont think that becoming a stay at home mum means that you need to be there for the kids 24/7 every day of the week.

If he does take time out to do fishing and other solo hobbies as indicated in the first post and does go out to the pub occasionally, theres no reason why you cant go out on your own on occasions for a few hours and the kids stay with him.

I think the imbalance happens because the person who works might feel, well Ive been working all week and Im knackered and want some time out, I would think that being at home alone with two small kids is also pretty knackering.

Or, get a babysitter and go out as a couple every so often.

fluffnutter

No point being the 'little woman indoors' fuming that the OH gets out and about. No one forces SAHMs to be chained to the kitchen sink, least of all their husbands. If you need time off from your kids, talk about it. Arrange it. Communicate with each other. People accept these stereotyped roles without ever negotiating what works for them then moan about the aspects that don't suit them. So change those aspects. Do what works for you and your family. I've got no patience with women who allow themselves to be martyrs.