Everybody needs time out

foolofbeans

OH slipped up last night and inadvertently told me he spends an hour at work every evening having a cuppa and chats with the other staff.
Then he couldn't understand why I was upset about it :mad:

Am I wrong to be annoyed he would rather spend an hour with his work colleagues than come home?
The paranoid person in me thinks if I had to come home to the mess the house was in half the time then I'd want to delay it longer.
And then the selfish part of me thinks how much I would love one hour a week to myself, never mind an hour a day

I accepted the role of SAHM and he does work very hard and I always understood his hobbies were not couple ones (eg fishing) and I believe everybody needs a time out. I'm happy for him to have his down time like going to the pub for a couple of hours every few weeks. Is that not enough?

The most hurtful thought was that 5/6pm is the hardest part of the day for me. The kids are tired and tetchy and they get naughtier when they're tired. I have to sort dinner and it would be nice if there was some support or someone to keep the kids occupied while I was in the kitchen.

What is the solution? Do we play tit-for-tat where I take myself out for a few hours each week? I don't really want to play games, just resolve how selfish I feel he is being

BugglyB

I think you are right to be annoyed, and some kind of compromise should be reached. Unless...

I spend some time every day chatting with my staff and colleagues - it might just look like idle chatter but really I am spending time with them to see how things are going, are there any tensions, etc. An hour a day seems excessive but it might add up. Is he in a role where he needs to be seen spending 'time on the shop floor'?

Either way - yes you should have an hour yourself at week at least! Your OH needs to take the kids swimming or out to brownies or whatever at least once a week and let you have some peace - not to clean the bathroom but to do something for yourself.

paulineb_2

I dont see any reason why he couldnt have a ten/fifteen minute chat with his work colleagues after work, why does it need to be an hour? Its not something Id ever have done, by the end of spending 8 hours in a shift with my work colleagues, I wouldnt have wanted to sit for an hour chatting with them at the end of the day.

I think you need to tell him how you feel. Also I appreciate he works, but why cant he cook a meal an evening or two a week. You should also be looking at getting some down time together, not on your own.

KxMx

Being a stay at home parent doesn't mean you should do all the cooking, cleaning and childcare. The OH needs to help out as well. Certainly not choose to spend an extra hour at work each shift!
Nothing wrong with doing the lions share as the SAHP but not all, no way.

aileth

An hour is too long. Sounds like he is quite aware that 5-6 is the worst time and the reason why he's staying at work is to avoid it!

heartbreak_star

I don't see too much of a problem with it, but if he's not helping out around the house at all maybe you should talk to him about that.

Also, I don't have kids so can't really comment there.

HBS x

Hermia

I don't see anything wrong with staying after work. I used to do it at my last work as there was no opportunity to chat during the day and it meant we missed the worst of the traffic. The OP's husband definitely needs to get a balance though and not stay late all the time and also let the OP have some time away from the family.

Bazey

What is the gender split of his colleagues? If he works with mainly women and they are all hot then you need to seek revenge.

indsty

Is he maybe staying on at work to avoid the tetchy children at home - maybe he feels he can't cope well with them after a day at work and it is better for him to avoid this time. You definitely need to have a calm and sensible chat about it - is there a way to make this a less traumatic time for you and your children?
Chatting after work may be a good thing if it helps to make work a happier place, and therefore hubby a calmer person, or miss the rush hour etc. But I totally get it from your viewpoint - you don't get the chance for "downtime" - so why should he - it needs to be shared.

elsien

foolofbeans wrote: »

I'm happy for him to have his down time like going to the pub for a couple of hours every few weeks. Is that not enough?


What is the solution? Do we play tit-for-tat where I take myself out for a few hours each week?

I think the point is not how many hours per se as this will differ in each relationship, but an agreement that you are both happy with and that is equitable.
For me personally a couple of hours every few weeks down time would not be enough, no. But neither would my other half staying away over the hardest part of the day then waltzing in wanting his tea.
You/him taking yourselves off for a couple of hours at a time would be fine if you and OH had agreed that it's time you both need. But doing it purely to get your own back would be counterproductive.
Can you compromise on him staying 20 minutes/ half an hour or so for a cuppa and a wind down if it's important to him, and explain why you'd like him there earlier than the hour he's currently doing?
Then decide where you go from there with balancing couples time, family time and me time?

Sinhanada

Hermia wrote: »

I don't see anything wrong with staying after work. I used to do it at my last work as there was no opportunity to chat during the day and it meant we missed the worst of the traffic. The OP's husband definitely needs to get a balance though and not stay late all the time and also let the OP have some time away from the family.

Actually a very good point - what is the traffic home like? I'd stay later to avoid traffic and it would have nothing to do with not wanting to come home.

Also, as a manager I have often stayed later just chatting to colleagues and subordinates to make sure that they are coping.

What you haven't done is ask why he's staying later, or given us the reasons so this is unfortunately a one sided view.

I hope that you can work things out, but rather than attack for being selfish, try and understand from the OH point of view?