Feelings for my best friend?

Georgiegirl256

gt568 wrote: »

I maintain my stance. If he found her in the least attractive he'd have tried to fire in by now.

I agree. The thread actually reminds me of the film 'My best friends wedding', where Julia Roberts character didn't realise she wanted to be with her best friend until he was getting married, and then all of a sudden she wanted him.

I know this guy isn't necessarily with this other woman, but it seems like it might be heading way. Hes's had other relationships over the years. Why now OP?

System

marisco wrote: »

Hate to burst your bubble but if this guy were interested in you beyond being friends, he would most likely have made a move before now. I wouldn't risk what appears to be a good friendship by disclosing feelings that may not be reciprocated.

Yes I think so too.

I was in your position once.... took a chance and things were never the same afterwards.

Never again.:(

Gavin83

Being honest, is he out of your league looks wise?

dandelionclock30

Its not always about looks though is it? It always makes me laugh when men have double standards, like they are ugly/bald/overweight themselves and expect the youngest most attractive woman in the world to fancy them. Yet they wont look at women more in line with their own looks.

Gavin83

I fail to see how you got any sort of double standards from that, I didn't refer to the situation you mentioned in any sort of way.

I find people are generally with other people who are the same standard of looks as them. I think it's a comfort and safety thing.

Men are friends with women for 2 reasons. Firstly because they fancy them and hope something will happen or because they don't fancy them and therefore they're a safe friend. If a guy has been friends with a girl for that long and hasn't made a move he isn't interested. I agree, in terms of relationships its not all about looks but physical attraction is as important as an emotional connection. If you have an emotional connection with someone they're a friend. If you have that AND you find them attractive they'll be a partner. It's fairly simple.

You can say what you like about double standards but I don't know a single guy who is with a woman I'd consider less attractive than him and I know a lot of people. I don't know if its a deep seated primal thing, fear of !!!! taking mate or they genuinely don't fancy them but this seems to be the case.

System

Gavin83 wrote: »

I fail to see how you got any sort of double standards from that, I didn't refer to the situation you mentioned in any sort of way.

I find people are generally with other people who are the same standard of looks as them. I think it's a comfort and safety thing.

Men are friends with women for 2 reasons. Firstly because they fancy them and hope something will happen or because they don't fancy them and therefore they're a safe friend. If a guy has been friends with a girl for that long and hasn't made a move he isn't interested. I agree, in terms of relationships its not all about looks but physical attraction is as important as an emotional connection. If you have an emotional connection with someone they're a friend. If you have that AND you find them attractive they'll be a partner. It's fairly simple.

You can say what you like about double standards but I don't know a single guy who is with a woman I'd consider less attractive than him and I know a lot of people. I don't know if its a deep seated primal thing, fear of !!!! taking mate or they genuinely don't fancy them but this seems to be the case.

Nice to hear it from a mans point.

Gavin83

I'm just being realistic.

If I had a female friend I got on with and I was physically attracted to, I'd want her to be my girlfriend. If I got on with her but there was no attraction I'd want her as a friend.

In all honesty they've been friends for a long time. If he wanted anything more he'd have gone for it.

ThrowAway86

Thanks for all your replies - sorry I’ve been away for the day working on my new house (wielding a sledgehammer has helped a bit!)


I’ve done a giant multi-quote post to follow up on some of the points raised, hope it works and that noone minds I didn't response individually.

princeofpounds wrote:

Forget any thought about offending the other woman. It's clearly not that serious yet if he says they are not yet a 'thing'. Personally I think this is just a cover for whatever you are really afraid of.

I'm not sure what that is, probably rejection. Worrying about the friendship if you say something will be a part of it, but I suspect it's the more 'primitive' worry that really matters.

What I’m truly afraid of is him not wanting to be my friend anymore. Rejection would suck, yes, I’d have a big cry and feel a bit poop for a week but then I think I’d be ok – I’m certainly not going to turn into a wreck over this.

Lunar_Eclipse wrote:

To me, his actions re:NYE and this other girl tell me either he knows you might be upset (because of the way you feel about him) OR he is unsure himself, because he's confused about his feelings for you (possibly fuelled by this other girl - it just feeling wrong.)

I think too much is being read into the NYE stuff – I should point out it’s by no means a given we’d hang out on NYE – In fact I think he’s been out with me once in the last three years (I normally go out with other friends).



She asked him to go out and in the absence of other plans he said yes – and he commented afterwards that ‘we [me and him] should have been more on top of nye plans’.

Alikay wrote:

The bed-sharing stopping when either of you are in a relationship

In all fairness this is an entirely reasonable and respectful thing to do – I can’t see anyone being happy about their SO sleeping in the same bed as another woman/man (I wouldn’t be!) so I wouldn’t read too much into that.

paulineb wrote:

I would mind very much about the other girl and her feelings, if he leaves her just because you say you have feelings for him, it could be you as soon as someone else comes along and says they like him. Also, you don't build a relationship by making someone else unhappy, of course people do it, its real life but take the rose tinted specs off, he could have started a relationship with you, he started seeing someone else.

Whilst I do take on board what you’re saying and I am painfully aware of how I would feel if I were the girl in the situation, I do need to clarify that we both have very strong feelings on monogamy (mostly stemming from one of his girlfriends cheating on him a few years which devastated him and me seeing firsthand what cheating does to the innocent party) and if this was a full blown relationship I wouldn’t even be going there.

fluffnutter wrote:

I wonder how genuine these feelings are, OP. Not that you don't feel them, but whether they are actually what they seem. Perhaps you feel time is ticking on, that you'd like to be in a relationship, it's a new year and you're casting around for a suitable prospect. Coupled with the fact that this guy's found a new partner and you're on your own has brought all sorts of feelings to a head and you're interpreting this as 'I want him' when in reality you just want someone.

I’m also confused by what I’m feeling (I’m really not one for jealousy or acting on impulse). However I’m certainly not ‘casting the net for the new year’, I’m more than happy in my own company a lot of the time, and certainly not one of these people that jumps from relationship to relationship or needs someone else there to make me ‘whole’, I’ve turned down a few propositions in the last couple of years (since my last serious relationship ended) because I had misgivings about them.

paulineb wrote:

You saw him in your future but you didnt pursue it and these feelings only came to a head when he started seeing someone else, I dont think thats the best foundation to build a relationship on to be honest.

Also, the fact that he was distant towards you, again, not the best sign.

Just to clarify distant was probably the wrong word, he’s been a little quieter than normal which I put down to being on holiday but happens now and again and isn't a big deal

princeofpounds wrote:

This guy has been friends with the girl since they were 14/15. He may have been far too nervous to do anything apart from hint at his interest at the outset - and clearly the OP was not giving him signals at the time - and then stuck firmly in the friend zone.

He may have thought that making any kind of move would be inappropriate and destroy a friendship, and so suppressed his interest ever since. Happens all the time - a couple of personal examples have already been shown on the thread.

Or maybe he isn't interested, but guess what - if one of them doesn't raise the issue they will never, ever know.

Just as some background PoP is probably right on the stuff going on when we were 15-18. As far as boyfriends went I was busy with boys in bands a couple of years older than me, he was with the same girl from about 15-17 I think, but we’d be the kind of friends that were sat at the end of parties having really meaningful conversations.
Then I went off to uni, honestly the friendship waned a bit (but not massively, we went on holiday together with one other male friend in my 3rd year).



I was with someone at uni which carried on for another year before not working out, a year after that he started seeing a girl in my old uni town, a year after that I was with a guy who actually worked under my best friend (which I hadn’t realised initially), a year after that we split up, about a year after that my best friend split up with his girlfriend.



A year later and we’re here. I think its worth pointing out that some of those months I felt he was still working things out in his head from his last relationship.

Georgiegirl256 wrote:

I know this guy isn't necessarily with this other woman, but it seems like it might be heading way. Hes's had other relationships over the years. Why now OP?

Because I think I’ve realised what’s been in front of me for all of my formative years and that this may very well be my last opportunity to do something about it.

Gavin83 wrote:

Being honest, is he out of your league looks wise?

I’m not quite sure of the relevance but honestly I think we’re probably about equal. He’s probably nicer in the face than me but I’ve got the body :P


Thanks for all the feedback, if nothing else its certainly making me think.

AcidHouse

"Because I think I’ve realised what’s been in front of me for all of my formative years and that this may very well be my last opportunity to do something about it."

Hi OP, glad you're keeping busy - I've read through your responses
and this one above sticks out a lot.

The worst thing you can do is react to this situation in a panic that it's your last chance to do something about you & him. While you're feeling like this, it's not the time to tell him anything. Maybe wait until you're feeling more rational about the situation.
Think how you & him would work realistically as a relationship. Is it what you really want, or do you really want him as a close friend instead. What is it about him that you will miss if he stays with this girl?

If you do decide to tell him how you feel, for your sake keep it factual, no tears or emotions or signs of panic that he's slipping away. Maybe try a friendly, laid back disclosure. Even a friendly joke such as "aww, I always thought we'd get together at some point", and see how he reacts. Good luck!

LouLou

Gavin83 wrote: »

I fail to see how you got any sort of double standards from that, I didn't refer to the situation you mentioned in any sort of way.

I find people are generally with other people who are the same standard of looks as them. I think it's a comfort and safety thing.

Men are friends with women for 2 reasons. Firstly because they fancy them and hope something will happen or because they don't fancy them and therefore they're a safe friend. If a guy has been friends with a girl for that long and hasn't made a move he isn't interested. I agree, in terms of relationships its not all about looks but physical attraction is as important as an emotional connection. If you have an emotional connection with someone they're a friend. If you have that AND you find them attractive they'll be a partner. It's fairly simple.

You can say what you like about double standards but I don't know a single guy who is with a woman I'd consider less attractive than him and I know a lot of people. I don't know if its a deep seated primal thing, fear of !!!! taking mate or they genuinely don't fancy them but this seems to be the case.

I'm a woman who tends to feel most at ease around men and I have a few male friends (not in a flirty, giggly, hair twirly sort of fashion). Maybe due to the fact that my best friend in my childhood years was a boy.

A few years back, I said this in passing to a guy online. And he said "Men don't become friends with women they don't have a chance with, or at least think make them look good." (ie, are attractive).

I thought this was staggeringly sexist and had to check the calendar to see which century I was living in but I don't for a minute believe that is true. Sometimes people just drift into friendship and their personal lives are in another direction. But that's just my take on things.

I HAVE had a male friend suggest that "maybe" things could work out if we got closer. Of course, it's tricky to let someone down gently without sounding arrogant or cruel, but hopefully I managed to smooth things over (probably not, as we are no longer friends, but there were other issues).

One thing I will say, though, is that I wouldn't share a bed with another man, as a friend. Not because I think I'm some sort of goddess, but I just wouldn't want there to be any misunderstandings. To be honest, the situation has never cropped up anyway.

As for whether you should tell your friend: it depends. You have to get to the root WHY you feel this way. Have you held onto yearning feelings for him for a long time? If so, it's very likely he will have an inkling anyway. Many guys are clueless about picking up signals from women, but in a close friendship, especially if you're infatuated, the guy would have to be pretty thick-skinned not to get some hints.

It follows that if he has some idea about how you feel about him, yet he is still pursuing other options, then that path is closed to you.

As others have said, when he is in a relationship, your friendship will change: you will spend less time around each other, maybe some of the intimacy will be lost, and this is something you both have to adjust to. Is it jealousy or is it love?

Maybe some time apart will give you the breathing space to get in touch with your emotions.