Feelings for my best friend?

ThrowAway86

Posting on a throwaway as some of my nearest & dearest know my ususal username on here.

I've been friends with this man since we were 14/15 or so, both had relationships, my last ended about two years ago and his about a year ago, we're 27 now.



Whilst we've always been 'there' the friendship has ebbed and flowed, we didn't speak much when I was at uni (18-21) but since then we've been closer than ever, especially this year I thought.



We're the kind of close that we'd sleep in the same bed if either of us stayed over each other's house (but not while either of us were in relationships) although we've never done anything at all.



Recently I had started to think I saw him in my future although I hadn't pursued it in any way.



This has all come to a head because he met a girl in mid December (before going on holiday for a week) - I thought he was a bit distant leading up to Christmas but didn't think much of it as he was on holiday etc.
I only really found out about the girl last night after asking what he got up to on NYE and it turns out he went out on new years eve with her (after being a bit vague about what he was doing on NYE when I asked him if he wanted to do something last week - again I didn't make any issue of the vagueness).


On asking if they were a thing he said he didn't know.


I've felt a bit sick ever since, I had a good cry last night and I feel jealousy like I've never felt it in my life and I hate it, I feel like a bad person.


I don't know what to do, I feel if I say nothing and they get together, I will regret it for the rest of my life, if I say something, and he feels the same way - I feel like I've been a grade-A !!!!! to the girl (who I don't know but I'm sure is lovely) and if he doesn't feel the same way I'm terrified of losing my best friend, more than I can explain in words.


I don't know what I should read into the fact he's never made a move on me, we've fended off jokes over the years from other friends if we sit snugged up at parties or whatever, and I'm worried I've built a big friend-zone wall around myself.


How do you even begin to broach this with someone? If I do say anything I need him to know its perfectly ok if he doesn't feel anything and that I'll still be glad I said it - but PS still be my friend


tl;dr: Think I have feelings for my best friend, how do I broach this so the friendship is still intact if he doesn't feel the same way?

debjay

I think you should say something as you will always regret it if you don't. However, it may affect your friendship if he doesn't feel the same.

It's better to say something now while things aren't serious with the other girl.

Just my opinion - nothing ventured nothing gained!

DUTR

If he is your friend properly then keep it that way, jealousy is a natural thing, partners can come and go, friends are there for life.
Perhaps he acted cagey as he suspected how you may react?

opinions4u

DUTR wrote: »

partners can come and go, friends are there for life.

My experience is quite the opposite.

meritaten

difficult one this - I think I would ask him why he was so 'reticent' about this girl? if he thinks she is the love of his life, then I would shut up and resign myself to just staying friends. If there was another reason though - I would open up a bit, and indicate I felt more than friendship.

samtoby

My partner was and is my best friend. Tell him :-)

DUTR

samtoby wrote: »

My partner was and is my best friend. Tell him :-)

And so it should be, however in the case of the OP, it would seem the actions and feelings may not be reciprocated in the desired manner, indeed the OP has nothing to lose by suggesting something more substantial, but there is the risk of jeapordising what is already there, it could drive him more distant knowing that deep down the friend wants something more official, as if he doesn't have 50% say in the matter, then there is the 'threat' of it's a relationship or nothing, blokes are gentetically geared for rejection the OP (who I'm assuming maybe female) may not be.
So it's a big risk that requires a logical rather than emotional approach and not simply left to the internet vote.

Dozey_crow

I would ask. I think that will always regret it if you don't. Just another scenario. Whether you say anything out not if he gets serious with this girl then she may alter the dynamics of your friendship so the way I see it you have nothing at all to lose.

My husband also was and now still is is my best friend. Funnily enough I realized how I felt about him when I saw him kissing another girl who he briefly went out with a few months before we got together.

Wishing you luck.

ThrowAway86

Thanks for the insights so far -

DUTR I'm normally logic above all else closely followed by being very risk-averse (think theres a bit of Vulcan in me!) which is why I'm so thrown by all of this happening so suddenly.

meritaten

but, you need to 'probe' a bit deeper! the 'vulcan' in you should appreciate that!

AcidHouse

OP I really feel for you.

Please be honest with yourself about this situation.
If he wanted to make a move on you, he's had the last year to do so, as you've both been single; but by the sounds of it, he's done nothing, which just says (to me) that he's not interested in taking it further than close friends.

The flip side to this is - lets imagine he did want to be more than friends at one point & he wasn't sure how to approach it: if you've been giving out friend-zone vibes to him, sharing a bed with you is probably his way of testing if he's in with a chance. If he then thought he wasn't because you gave him no signals, he moved on in his head & decided never to bring up the subject.

Bottom line is - tell him or not?
It's a risk - I don't believe he feels the same way, so you won't achieve what you want to from disclosing how you feel. He might cut himself off from you for a while if he stays with the girl.

Personally I wouldn't tell him - now that he's with someone, it's just the wrong time. If he becomes single again then I'd go for it.

But good luck whatever you decide to do.