Subsidising his ex through the kids

Spendless

conradmum wrote: »

I think you said earlier that she receives CTC and CB, neither of which are affected by maintenance payments from an ex, so I don't think she's fraudulently claiming benefits, as other posters have suggested.

I'm not suggesting she's fraudently claiming benefits. AFAIK as a single parent you either
work 16 hours claim WTC and keep any maintainance which is not taken into account when working out your tax credits

OR

claim IS, and either don't work or work under 16 hours and keep about £20 of your wages plus £10 of maintainance.

I wasn't aware there was a different way to do this, till this thread. It doesn't mean it's not all above board.

OP_My suggestion over going to the CAB to query this is not only to protect yourselves, my friends are in a situation(different set of circs to yours) where they have to pay again money they have already paid - if they'd checked out what they've done unwittingly they wouldn't be in these circs. Also XW if she currently doesn't claim WTC, she might be better off working 16 hours claiming plus keeping maintaince and *might* have no reduction in the amount she gets even with your OH having to reduce payments.

There are also plenty of MSE members who work/have a good knowledge of maintaince payments and tax credits who are often on the benefits board.

rchddap1

Supporting your kids is very admirable. But he's not supposed to be supporting her. Once a couple have split...that's it...there's no requirement to support or assist the other person. If she is relying on your partner to support her whilst the kids are still kids can I ask what are they both planning to do when the kids grow up?

Have you spoken to your partner about your feelings (of you supporting his ex)? I am a step parent too and it can be very tough. But my partner has always been adament that his other kids are his responsibility (financially) and not mine.

As for paying your partner rent...hmmmm. In my mind if a couple is a couple then there is no such thing as rent. House keeping, joint expenses yes....but rent?

Fran

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

......... Don't get me wrong I know that it is no picnic being a single mum................

Spendless wrote: »

Can I query this with you, because unless his ex is working at least 16 hours a week she isn't entitled to working tax credits, if she is on IS and just keeping the small amount of wages she is allowed to then she can only keep £10 a week of maintainance. Or does she have a new partner also supporting her?

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

My DP is giving her CM through a consent order not through the CSA so money is not controlled in line with benefits. I don't know whether she is getting WTC or not. I know she gets CTC and CB.

What Spendless said was my first thought too. What is she living on? If she is on Income Support she can only legally keep £10 of any money coming in if done through the CSA. In any case a single parent on IS can have an income of £20 per week before it is deducted £ for £ from the benefit. If your partner has been giving her this amount that she hasn't been declaring then she is committing benefit fraud. Presumably (I'm guessing here) if your partner knows this he could be seen as complicit so I suggest he takes advice from Citizens Advice or other welfare benefits advisor to clarify his position if he knowingly helps her (which he will now as you can pass it on if that's the case!).

To get Working Tax Credit she would have to be working 16 hours, it could be that there is work that you are unaware of. Maintenance is not taken into account for WTC so that would be ok.

Council Tax Benefit is means tested and if she gets full CTB she would be on a very low income or Income Support.

I can understand your dilemma, perhaps as it's only a temporary thing (until he gets the house) you can contribute.... but only if the cash is legally going to his kids!

Stargazerlillies

Rent was perhaps the wrong word to use. We look at it in terms of contributing to the up keep of the house, there is no formal agreement or anything like that. We are a couple in every sense.

conradmum

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

conradmum,

You've brought up some interesting points there. To put a bit more of the picture into place:

Fair enough, you've given some more information here that I was unaware of.
Not sure why he's so racked with guilt?

Hope you can pin him down and get something sorted out. At the end of the day, if you were to stop supporting him he would be forced to do something. Hope it doesn't come to this.

Rikki

You two just need to sit down and talk and discuss all the points raised here.

You both need the reassurance you can financially cope with your commitments together.

Work out what your joint overheads will be and work out a fair way to pay them together. Doing this kind of planning may show him, that financially he can't afford to pay the same amount of money as he is know each month.
When you see the figures on paper sometimes reality kicks in.

Like others have said its not so much about his ex, but about the life style you could have, that your DP is prepare to sacrific for the sake of being too stubbon to pay realistically what he can afford for the children.

poppyscorner

newcook wrote: »

I didn't think the CSA could include partners income to the maintenance??? I know you have to declare it if its requested but didn't think it counted???

No it isn't, not in the new rules anyway. We don't make the arrangements for her maintainance through the CSA it is a voluntary arrangement that they came up with between them I kept out of it which is why I went mad when she suggested that as I worked full time and earned a relatively good wage that I should contribute some of this wage to her I would never want to see my stepdaughter go without and have bought her clothes shoes accessories in the past and I don't mind doing this honestly I don't but I draw the line at commiting a regular portion of my salary to his ex to spend at her leisure which is I think the point that the OP is trying to make I just thought she was taking the P

arthur_dent_2

Leaving the dodgy ex out of it, try explaining to your OH that it does not make him a bad father if because of changes in circumstance he cannot quite pay as much as he did. Also if you can get his mum to back you up then all the better. You should not be contributing extra money to the welfare of his children if they are not going to suffer without it. It sounds to me like £300 a month is generous on top of a £40,000 equity gift. If the ex does not like it, there isn't a great deal she could do as it would be considered a generous payment in the eyes of the CSA.

Explain to your OH that as his income is going to be substantially reduced, so then does everything else have to be reduced accordingly. Also Rikki (above) talks a lot of sense try going through a realistic budget and sorting it out that way.

pusscat

the best bit of advice I was ever given was not to waste energy worrying about things I can't change -

with that in mind, stop worrying about the Ex's behaviour, whatever you think of it, you are not going to be able to force her to take a job, or to spend money in a cetain way - concentrate your energy on the things you can influence!

Ok, seems to me that the important thing here is how you and your partner deal with finances in your relationship......I can't give you the right or wrong answer on that as every partnership deals with things differently, suffice to say that if you feel uncomfortable (as you obviously do) then the partnership is not working.....

Your partner and his ex have an obligation to support their kids - you have no obligation to support their kids, any support you give is voluantry. You are under no obligation to support them, and should not be made to feel guilty for feeling unhappy about this.

Their father is entitled to pay whatever he feels happy paying (so long as it is equal to or more than the CSA guidelines!), he is also entitled to put whatever he wants into your relationship - you are entitled to pay whatever you feel happy paying into your relationship - if the figures don't match up to everyones satisfaction then some major negotiation will be required!

Mr Puss and I are in a similar position - he pays far over and above his required CSA contribution as he made some changes in his life and it did not seem fair to inflict these changes onto the kids by dropping the support their Mum gets - however it was a joint decision (me and him), not him acting in isolation.
Mr P's ex wife also has an interesting attitude to work - not going into details, but there is no point in wasting energy on worryng about this - it won't ever change.

We are lucky that both of us work full time and both of us are pretty high earners, Mr P brings home more than I do by about 25%, so this difference is used to fund the kids - that means we both contribute about the same financially to our relationship and there is no hard feelings about money. However, I would comment that this works because we earn more money than we need - if we were living on modest means then I guess I might feel quite different about it.
(I don't mean we are super rich or anything BTW - just that not every penny needs watching!)
Some people seem to believe that you take on "the full package" of a guy with kids and you should be happy to finance them - I disagree, it is up to each individual to feel happy or unhappy with the situation - every situation is different, and you need to find a compromise that makes you both feel happy. There are times when you have to support your partner, and there are times when our partner has to support you - that is the point of a partnership, but being railroaded into a financial committment you are not happy about is not a partnership decision.

I would try working through a budget together - as one of the other posters suggested - maybe this will help you come to some compromise

Bottom line is if you are not happy then don't get into it - if you do, it will only lead to years of resentment building up and damaging your relationship.

Hope this helps a bit

Puss
xx

Stargazerlillies

I've decided I'm going to cook a nice meal and we're going to sit down and have a financial discussion. If he puts his head in the sand again I'm going to get him to read this thread.

I'm taking your advice and we're going to do a budget. Hopefully once he sees the figures in black and white he'll realise that there isn't going to be enough money to maintain the current outgoings.

Wish me luck!