Subsidising his ex through the kids

Errata

Good luck, hope it works. If the pair of you can't find any way to discuss and resolve the situation, perhaps it would helpful for you both to think about the point and purpose of your relationship.

Rikki

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

I've decided I'm going to cook a nice meal and we're going to sit down and have a financial discussion. If he puts his head in the sand again I'm going to get him to read this thread.

I'm taking your advice and we're going to do a budget. Hopefully once he sees the figures in black and white he'll realise that there isn't going to be enough money to maintain the current outgoings.

Wish me luck!

Good luck.:T

You two need to live a happy life together and do the things you like to do. Not alway robbing Peter to pay Paul because you have an outgoing which could be reduced as it is already above the amount it should be.

I'm sure if you talk it through you will find a solution. Keep the lines of communication open.

ps. If you don't get your own way. Stamp your feet and sulk.

TheWaltons_3

If I were you in this situation, I would be asking him why you are both suffering financially by paying her money which is over the odds.

I understand completely where you are coming from, and from reading your post.. it's like you are taking a back seat to her. This is how I would feel. Her maintenance payments should be reasonable and in line with what HE can afford. Not YOU subsidising him.

Does your partner bring home £650 NET pay?

£500 a month is the amount CSA would expect him to be paying on an approximate wage of £650 a week AFTER tax. From what you have told us, this is not the case.

If he is reluctant to negotiate all of this... leave him to it. When he gets a much lower paid job.. let him make the £500 a month maintenance payments to his Ex but REFUSE to subsidise him at all. When he realises this is impossible, he will soon change his tune. Whilst you are helping him.. he is going to take take take until there is complete lack of respect.

You are worth more than this.

squashy

I look at it like this. If these were your kids, you might well have been spending £500 a month on thier clothes/activities/holidyas whatever...however now that your circumstances are changing and your income is going down you would have had to cut back on this if they were living with you, does that make sense? You are going to have to get him to see sense.

Incedentally, my DH is ex-forces and is also very principalled when it comes to doing all he can for his kids, while his ex got all the equity and is now married to a lawyer with a very nice income and two properties! So I DO understand where you are coming from x

Stargazerlillies

Thanks for all your support :T

We had a long chat last night and this morning. After doing numerous budgets and lots of sums he has realised that maintaining the current level of CM is not feasible. We've set a more realistic budget and he is going to try to get the CM down to what it should be. We have reviewed the current housekeeping contribution and have agreed a fair figure that I will contribute once we move into his house.

However, he does not really want to go through the CSA (we all know the problems they create!) so he's going to speak to the ex directly. He is going to let her know that his income will be going down by the end of the year and therefore he will not be able to afford £500. Instead he can just about managed to give her £350 per month. If she refuses then he will have to go to the CSA but that is really the last resort. I'm not convinced that she will accept this revised figure and we'll end up going through the CSA, but he wants to try. It will also give her enough time to up her hours/look for a job if she really needs the extra £150.

We had a really long chat about the CM and it came out that one of his big fears in changing it would be that the ex would come back looking for more assets. As part of the split she got the house and all the equity and he walked away with his pension (only just! - the ex wanted part of the pension as well but the Judge apparently stepped in and said that because she was getting the house, the equity and ongoing CM then it was only fair he kept his pension to rebuild his life with), part of which involves a lump sum when he leaves the forces. He is really worried that if tries to change it she will try to get hold of the lump sum. The finances were agreed through a consent order which had a clause in it that neither party can come back in the future and claim on the other. I'm pretty sure that she will not be able to do this but I'm trying to encourage him to see a solicitor just in case. Does anyone have any ideas as to whether she could do this if he tries to get the CM adjusted in line with his new income?

Fran

I still think it sounds like she's making a fraudulent claim for Income Support if she isn't working 16 hours pw. In which case she won't be putting too many demands on him!

arthur_dent_2

Sounds to me like the ex wants the world. Good luck and I hope she sees sense and realises that she would get FAR less going through the csa.

Lady_S

From what I know if a consent order is agreed, then there shouldn't be any further claim on either party. I am not sure how he would get on if the child maintenance is agreed in this consent order though.

Stargazerlillies

When the Judge and both parties agreed the consent order, DP's barrister advised him that she felt the CM was a little high and that if his circumstances were to change then he could apply to the CSA to take over the CM. This was on the provision that the consent order had been in place for at least 12 months. This option apparently allows for a variance in circumstances.

Errata

Your cooking last night must have been brilliant - it clearly did the trick :T

My understanding is that the consent order is final. If it isn't would someone please correct me, as I'll want to send two big blokes and an alsation round to see me ex