Subsidising his ex through the kids

epz_2

80k house and 6k a year till the sprogs grow up, dont see what they could have done that was that bad except leave the lazy cow.

seriously though ive got a couple of mates who have got kids with exes, the way they put it is the mother has you over a barrel till the kids turn to teenagers since they can poison their minds and screw up visitation. you either have to grin and bear it or lose touch with the kids, your partner is likely in the same situation.

not much help but at least the ex will need to get a job when the kids hit 12 rather than 16 now if they want to keep benifits.

Stargazerlillies

Wow! Thanks for your support gang, at least I know I'm not bonkers!

I'll try and answer your points as best I can.

Spendless

Can I query this with you, because unless his ex is working at least 16 hours a week she isn't entitled to working tax credits, if she is on IS and just keeping the small amount of wages she is allowed to then she can only keep £10 a week of maintainance. Or does she have a new partner also supporting her?

My DP is giving her CM through a consent order not through the CSA so money is not controlled in line with benefits. I don't know whether she is getting WTC or not. I know she gets CTC and CB. TBH I haven't really got involved in the benefits side because it wasn't any of my business - until now! LOL!!!

kimevans

How much does he pay you now for rent/house-keeping/board whatever you call it.

He was paying me £400 pm which was covering the household bills and some food, whilst I pay the rent. Because he is saving for a house at the moment I've been paying all expenses as he is trying to pull every last penny together.

epz

not much help but at least the ex will need to get a job when the kids hit 12 rather than 16 now if they want to keep benifits.

epz - this is an interesting point. I didn't know that this had changed I thought that all benefits ran until the 16 year point and then stopped (i'm not really up on this subject). What are the new rules?

sandy2_2

When current husband and I were living together, husband's ex took him to court for additional maintenance, my salary (which was quite substantial) was also factored into the new arrangement...I was well pi...d off
So I know exactly how you feel

Karrie

My partner (I don't live with) pays his ex more than the csa and has his children every other day. His ex has just bought a detached house on her own and had the cheek to ask for more money! Instead of downsizing and making sure she can afford the house and all the new furniture that she bought she thinks a phone call for more money will solve it. She was wrong, my ex refused to pay extra to subsidise her lifestyle. She works PT. She doesn't take her kids to any of their activities she's too busy with her social life. She's taken 3 holidays this year without her children. Bearing in mind it's only June, she's not doing bad. She's palms them off on other people even during the school term. They are passed from pillar to post and I feel so sorry for them. They are losing out due to her selfishness. On one holiday, she lied about the trip and why she was going. She had arranged for 4 different people to look after them as my partner couldn't get time off work.

She wears designer outfits, travels 100 miles to have her hair done, bought a new car and a designer dog! :eek: The children are sent to their dads in clothes that are too small and well worn. My partner buys all their activities accessories (which are far from cheap).

I am a single parent, split from ex for 10 years and have never asked for more money. I work full-time, bought my own house etc. I have had one holiday in 10 years. Holidays and material possesions don't bother me as long as I keep a roof over our heads and we are happy, that's the main thing.

I will stop now cos I could go on and on.

Good luck and stick to your guns.

milkydrink

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

kimevans
He was paying me £400 pm which was covering the household bills and some food, whilst I pay the rent. Because he is saving for a house at the moment I've been paying all expenses as he is trying to pull every last penny together.

I see where you got the £400 PM figure from then.
So as thats what hes been paying you, are you happy paying him that?
Is it that you are happy to pay £400, but no more & he wants/expects more?

Justie

I don't really see where the ex-wife's status fits in here - the issue is between you and your partner. If he wants to support his kids in that way then that's his decision and you as a couple have to work out if that is possible. As a couple there are times when one is better off than the other and sometimes one may need to support the other more I wouldn't see it as a chore but that's my personal feeling. I can understand you being peeved off that the ex doesn't do as much work as you do but there may well be benefits in the long run to being a stay at home parent and if your partner has been happy with the arrangement previously then it's not really pertinent to the discussion unless he wants that to change. It's very easy to point the finger at the ex as she seems to be doing nothing to aid the financial situation but it seems to me that the issue is between you and your OH - HE has decided he needs to buy a property to feel secure and not wait the two years while he qualifies in civvie street not the ex. If his financial position is made worse then he could delay that decision whilst continuing with his commitments to his children. Personally I think he should be commended for his attitude to his children - there are many women who would love their ex-partners to be so generous and reliable. The fact is that when you have children with someone there is a lifelong commitment to them as well as the children in some ways. This can be very hard for current partners to deal with but I would urge you to separate the two issues. Talk to your partner and work out where your joint finances are and don't bring the ex into it - imo.

Stargazerlillies

At the moment we live in an expensive area and £400 only just covers the household bills. When we move into his house it will be a less expensive area so there should be a little bit more in the pot.

The thing is my paying more is starting to creep in already, because he is saving for the house I'm starting to pay for more and more things. I'm subsidising his housekeeping at the moment because he is saving for the house but I'm find myself having to pay whenever we go anywhere because he does not have any money. Whenever he buys a little bag of groceries he moans how little money he has, so I end up buying all of the food. Although his appetite hasn't decrease! LOL! If we go anywhere in his car he bangs on about the petrol until I either give him a bit of cash or completly ignore it.

The thing is I can see this getting worse and worse as he is going to have even less money in the future.I'm going to have to pay for the incidentals which are getting more and more.

This may sound like little things but they all start to add up! The thing is it is all very well for him to stay on his high horse and say he isn't going to get the CM readjusted to his income but its muggins here who seems to be picking up the tab! Its a pattern of behaviour that seems to be embedding itself and I'm really not happy. I don't mind paying my way but I feel like emotional blackmail is the undertone here.

I've tried to talk to him about this and he either gets huffy or says that he will find a solution. When I ask him what that solution might be he says he doesn't know. He won't discuss specifics or look at a budget as he says the figures are all speculative. Its starting to get me down.

milkydrink

Can I ask how long you have been together?

chrisewey76

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

I do not see why you should subsidise this. I admire him for wanting to support his children, but his ex-wife could get off her backside and support them too. It's up to him and her to sort out between them.

i am in more or less the same situation and have to make up for HER short coming as a mother!!!once you start paying for them it NEVER ends!!!!i love my OHs kids but dont see why I should have to pay for them!!when i buy things for them, it should be atreat and not to make up for her failings as a mother (she's nuts and puts it about a bit, if you know what i mean)but if i didnt do it for them, they would miss out. my OH cant afford to do it ATM but does when he can.she's on benefits but could work, lazy good - for - nothing...........

Stargazerlillies

Justie,

I want to make it clear I'm not having a go, I just want to give you the other side of the picture and thank you for giving me your side. I want to hear all views as I think it makes for a useful discussion.

I don't really see where the ex-wife's status fits in here - the issue is between you and your partner. If he wants to support his kids in that way then that's his decision and you as a couple have to work out if that is possible.

As you say it is his decision, not a decision taken by us as a couple. So how can it be right for him to make this decision without consulting me, even though this plan relies on my financial contribution? It may well be between him and the ex but if my wage is the factor that allows this arrangement to continue then surely I should be involved in the discussion!?


As a couple there are times when one is better off than the other and sometimes one may need to support the other more I wouldn't see it as a chore but that's my personal feeling.

I understand and agree with this, but as I said above surely this is based on a mutual agreement?


I can understand you being peeved off that the ex doesn't do as much work as you do but there may well be benefits in the long run to being a stay at home parent

How is this beneficial when both are at school full time? one gets transport to and from school and the other walks with her friends so the school run is not a key factor.


and if your partner has been happy with the arrangement previously then it's not really pertinent to the discussion unless he wants that to change.

He is happy with it but only because I'm helping to subsidise it!


It's very easy to point the finger at the ex as she seems to be doing nothing to aid the financial situation but it seems to me that the issue is between you and your OH - HE has decided he needs to buy a property to feel secure and not wait the two years while he qualifies in civvie street not the ex.

When he leaves the services he will have no where to live. He will not qualify in the short time for council accommodation as he is not a priority, renting will effectively be the same as buying given the area we live in. S0 he either lives in my rental property for the foreseeable future or he bites the bullet and buys a property. Another factor is given the level of wages in NHS when you are newly qualified it is unlikely he will be able to get a mortgage in the near future and as he has a decent wage at the moment it really is now or never.


If his financial position is made worse then he could delay that decision whilst continuing with his commitments to his children.

There is no way he would not provide for his children and at the moment is paying over the odds. Its not a case of stopping the support but adjusting it to a more realistic level.

Personally I think he should be commended for his attitude to his children - there are many women who would love their ex-partners to be so generous and reliable.

I know that his ex is certainly making the most of it!!

The fact is that when you have children with someone there is a lifelong commitment to them as well as the children in some ways. This can be very hard for current partners to deal with but I would urge you to separate the two issues. Talk to your partner and work out where your joint finances are and don't bring the ex into it - imo

I think that this comment is a little patronising. I am not disputing his commitment to his kids I never have, of course he should support them but as the CSA rules state it should be based on his sole income and adjusted accordingly depending on changes in circumstances.[/QUOTE]

As I am sure someone will say when you take on a partner with kids you accept the whole package and I agree with this. But what I don't agree with is not having an input into the household expenditure when your wage is a supporting factor.

kimevans - we've been together for 3 years, everything has been fine until the last few months. We agreed that we would go 50/50 on bills as we earn a similar wage. I've no problem supporting him through a crisis as couples do, after we've sat down discussed it and looked at all the angles. However, this isn't a crisis its a whole change of circumstance! plus where's the discussion it all seems to based on assumption or emotional blackmail.