Subsidising his ex through the kids

Stargazerlillies

I'd appreciate your advice on my situation as I'm getting more and more annoyed.

To give you a bit of background, both myself and my partner work full time in the armed forces. At the end of the year he is due to leave the forces so his wages will go down, but the good news is his pension kicks in. This will mean his income will go down to roughly a third of what he currently earns.

My partner has 2 kids with his ex wife for which he pays £500 per month child maintanance. This is above what the CSA requires him to pay but this is what he wants to pay as he is adament that his kids are looked after. I've always been proud of him for this approach.

The problem arises when he leaves the forces. He is adament that he does not want to change this amount no matter what. He is in the process of buying a house, not a massive pad or anything just a modest 2 bed place. When he leaves his going to retrain as a healthcare professional so that he has a recognised qualification in civvie street that reflects what he has been doing during his career. Without this he cannot get employment in his chosen field. The course will only last 2 years and in the long run will mean everyone is much better off. The thing is that he is determined that the CM will not change and even doing the basic maths it is really clear that he will not be able to afford to continue with the current amount. If he gets a part time job then he could probably afford about £300 CM per month with me giving him £400 pm rent. He is not happy with this amount and is reluctant to even think about a change.

The major issue with all this is that he is starting to rely on me to subsidise him more and more and I can see that his plan may hinge on relying on my wages. I am really not happy about this. As much as I admire his attitude why should I be subsidising the CM!!

You may think that this is a little harsh, however I will give you a bit of background on the ex. The ex refuses to do any more that 2 hours of work a day (and TBH I'm not sure she is doing this anymore) whilst I work full time, sometimes going on long operational tours in hot and sandy places. The kids are 8 and 13 and even though they are at school she feels that she needs to be a stay at home mum even though they are not there for most of day!!!!

It really ticks me off that I work !?!**! hard to earn my pay, why should I be subsidising her through his guilt! Don't get me wrong I know that it is no picnic being a single mum, my mum raised me on her own, but she went out to work full time because she had to. I'm not saying that she should work full time but she could do a heck of a lot more than 2 hrs a day max.

TBH I think that he is racked with guilt but why should I be the one paying for it!!!I might sound like a selfish moo, but I can't help how I feel.

I've tried talking to him but he gets all defensive and on his high horse about wanting to support the kids, but I know that it will ultimately be me that ends up paying in the long run.

Please let me know your thoughts, am I being unreasonable? what can I do to get the message through that I'm not happy?

daisy_doughnut_2

hi there

im probally right in thinking that you will recieve some harsh comments from some posters try not to let them get to you though

hmmm my opinion and what i would do

i can see why your OH wants to support his children and good on him even tho by the end of the year it wont be visable to pay the amount your paying

you said that you would pay him 400 pounds per month for rent will his house be near the barracks so you can move in as i know that you do get charged some rent whilst in there (was married to a squaddie once)

so if you pay him that rent then he obviously pays all the bills and food i think thats petty fair as your kinda like renting a room if you like

or are you not buying the house together???

if he is the one buying the house then ide tell him that you will pay your way at 400 pounds per month and the rest is yours as you earnt it then if he wants to pay the CM at 500 pounds then thats up to him but you will not help him in any way as you think its to much if he revises the situ then you maybe wont mind helping a little

but also remember that if he is just asking you for rent then there is a lack of commitment somewhere as its not 5050 so why should your wage be???

also if the ex isnt working she must be on benefits or have a well off new OH
if she is on benefits then she should be declaring as with 2 children she will be getting almost 150 per week so she is comiting fraud

thats what i would do

good luck

bestpud

Is he expecting you to increase the amount you pay him?

Why do you him rent? If you are living as partners, shouldn't you just share the expenses or does the £400 cover all your living expenses - as in he provides for food and bills etc? It seems a little unfair if you are paying some of the mortagage for his house, but I may have that wrong.

I can see why you're a bit peeved if he is paying over what the CSA would expect him to anyway. If he lived alone he would presumably have to cut the amount he pays in these circumstances.

Really though, the question to ask is would you be happy to pay what you are now if he didn't have children to support? I'm not clear just how far you are being expected to subsidise his financial decisions?

daisy_doughnut_2

bestpud wrote: »

If he lived alone he would presumably have to cut the amount he pays in these circumstances. ?

thats a good point maybe you could put it like that to him

Stargazerlillies

Thanks for your replies.

To give you a bit more info, the house will be in his name. This was my idea. When he got divorced he gave the ex the house 100% with all the equity in it (£80K) so that she and the kids would not have to move and that they had a permanent roof over their heads. He didn't want the kids up rooted. However, this has left him feeling homeless and after 22 years like he has nothing tangible to show for all his hard work. So I suggested that he buy a house in his name so that he feels like he has an asset that will always be his. I already have a property that I rent out so it would also put us on a even footing. The deal was that I live with him and that I pay him a contribution to the house that would cover the bills (effectively rent) as I want to pay my way. This is the arrangement we currently have as I live in rented accommodation and he paid me some money for the bills.

In the future when the course is over and he is back into a career we are planning to get a house together but for the moment he needs to gain that little bit of security from having his own place which I completly understand.

Aside from this issue our relationship is great and we are really happy. I admire his commitment to the kids, he has regular access and has never missed a payment. Its just that I seem to be paying for more and more things these days and it seems to be continuing.

He had a long chat with his mum and she agrees that he cannot carry on paying the over payments once he is out of the forces or he will effectively get himself into a lot of debt.

I may sound like I'm out to get the ex but I'm honestly not! I've never had a problem in the past with this arrangement as it was TBH between them. If he could afford to overpay and he wanted to then good luck to him. Its when my wages start getting factored into the equation I start to get the hump! especially when I've seen first hand her attitude to work!

Errata

Tough situation. You can either manage it as a team, or as two individuals, but you're certainly going to have to sit down together with a calculator, open mind, honesty, love and trust with both of you prepared to say exactly how the situation makes you feel. Both of you may need to compromise and both of you need to use the negotiating skills you've learnt to good effect. Good luck.

seven-day-weekend

I do not see why you should subsidise this. I admire him for wanting to support his children, but his ex-wife could get off her backside and support them too. It's up to him and her to sort out between them.

poppyscorner

Hi Just wanted to add my support and as Daisy said I would expect that someone will be along to slate you soon however that won't be me!

As a wife to someone who also has an ex wife with one child I know exactly your position and how annoying it is my OH always paid his way £60 pw for his dd.
A couple of yrs ago her new OH had a job as a care assistant and he lost this job as they cut his hours I work in the NHS and at that time was a support worker my trust was recruiting at the time not wanting to see them on the breadline I gave my hubby all of the details to pass on to him where to ring who to speak to and included what I earned with and without overtime his ex's response was not thanks or anything similar she said well if she earns that much she can give me some maintainance !!!!!! I went off it.
That was my last attempt to help them as a couple she doesn't work she sits on her lazy ar*e all day and thinks I should give her my wages yes we were a couple but based on the fact that she too was getting above CSA recommendations at the time there was no way I was contributing the thing that made it worse was she had one child and so did I my DS was under one and there was no way she spent maintainance money on their daughter but wanted us to struggle with our DS no chance.

I too appreciate that despite the fact that I am not one single parents very often have a raw deal and considering they do both parents job I think they should be well supported but there is well supported and just plain greedy.

I think you need to sit your OH down and tell him he needs to rethink this as you can't be expected to pay this money out and you are rightly keeping out of arrangements direct with the ex very wise and something I also do.

Good luck and I dont think you are being at all unresonable.

poppy

Spendless

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

You may think that this is a little harsh, however I will give you a bit of background on the ex. The ex refuses to do any more that 2 hours of work a day (and TBH I'm not sure she is doing this anymore) I'm not saying that she should work full time but she could do a heck of a lot more than 2 hrs a day max.

Can I query this with you, because unless his ex is working at least 16 hours a week she isn't entitled to working tax credits, if she is on IS and just keeping the small amount of wages she is allowed to then she can only keep £10 a week of maintainance. Or does she have a new partner also supporting her?

*Louise*

I think it is really admirable that he is so keen to give his kids as much as he can - I'm sure there are aa lot of mother's who wish their ex was a good.

(Even to the extent of giving her the house and all the equity?....wow!)

However...I don't think you should be responsible for making up any shortfall he has. It's not fair, and when it comes down to it, they're not your kids, so why should you have to pay?

He needs to explain the new money situation to his ex, and they need to come to an amicable agreement which suits all three parties - because you are important too.

And anyway - if her kids are both at school, why can't she get a job? I can see why you would be annoyed at having to work hard to subside her lifestyle.

milkydrink

Stargazerlillies wrote: »

want to pay my way. This is the arrangement we currently have as I live in rented accommodation and he paid me some money for the bills.

How much does he pay you now for rent/house-keeping/board whatever you call it.