Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

Evening Diary Readers,


Well, that week hit me like a truck. I do feel more grounded. Being back at work at least gives a routine and a point, a reason. I have to say although I try to enjoy Christmas I don't. It simply isn't the same without my Dad and as much as I love my family I find the whole holiday deeply stressful. I mean looking back sitting in the car park at S'bugs in tears on Christmas eve and leaving my room looking like I have been robbed plus not putting any of my presents away says it all to me. I had good moments but overall glad it is finished.


So, onward to the new year.


This weekend is Mum's last one before she goes away, the house is fairly sorted. She isn't happy so apart from my room I have not many plans. Just making sure she is ok. however, I do love a list


aims whilst Mum is away


1. Train the dogs, get them a bit more manageable (on going)


2. Clear out the loft (one weekend)


3. Clear out the shed (two weekends)


4. Sell lots of stuff. (on going)


5. Clear out the kitchen and keep the house lovely and organised.


Right now I have to walk the dogs, am going to attempt a run.............


XXX

Buffythedebtslayer

had to find the ISA books- you know the tiny blue paying in books.


couldn't find them


LOOKED ALL DAY.


had hidden them very effectively from myself.


!!!!!!!!.


found them in my drawer at 11.30.........


nearly cried.


am so disorganised. It was, it is a utter nightmare. I have said it before and will say it again, this is at the root of my problems.


I gave myself a migraine. couldn't sleep, had rubbish dreams. didn't go to work, felt !!!!ing awful. tidied my room,


I have WAY TOO MUCH STUFF.


anyhow I have to go finish my room and not cry. headache has gone and Mum made toad in the hole as she is going away tomorrow for 9 weeks.


This is a whole other set of worries.


Harry Hill is being a bit mean to Alex wosit. tv on again.


XXXX

beanielou

Why are you worried about your mum going away Buffy?

Buffythedebtslayer

beanielou wrote: »

Why are you worried about your mum going away Buffy?

My sister used to run her own business so when Mum went out there she spent time with her and they did stuff, the business is much quieter now so she works, 12 hour cleaning shifts plus two hours travel. this means (understandably) she is knackered, she doesn't want to do stuff and still has to keep her hand in the business - so has WAY less time.


Mum is going to for nine weeks and at least half of that my sister will be at work or working at home etc.


I just worry about Mum spending money being bored being alone, getting ill all the normal stuff.


Next year Mum has already said she will go for a shorter time. Not that she wants to but she really cannot afford it.


She also gets so stressed about travelling.


plus me and the decluttering of the bedroom.


that hasn't helped.

Buffythedebtslayer

I think if my biggest problem is my untidiness then that is ok. I can fix that. Am lucky really.


I am very concerned about my Mum, she seems so sad. I hate to think of her going all that way alone.


I am so worried.


am debating re work tomorrow. worried, stressed and depressed. behind in work. so tired.


don't want Mum to go.


Night all

Rollercoaster_Rach

I hope your day ends up being a lot better than you expected.
take care
RR x

Sun_Addict

I think you give yourself too much to do Buffy. Could you break it down into smaller chunks?

Buffythedebtslayer

Sun_Addict wrote: »

I think you give yourself too much to do Buffy. Could you break it down into smaller chunks?

I get what you are saying SA, but what I don't understand is people do this house running, job having etc and they have kids? and cook dinner! I mean look at what you get done!! and your husband has been so ill.

Whereas little old me, just two jobs, Mum does most of the cooking, ok so I am studying (laughs hysterically) and doing another course. I should have time. but some how I don't.

so I am not at work - day already looking better Rach! I decided I was so upset last night and so tense with a shocking headache that a day at work was not a good plan. I need to sort of ground myself? work out what *my* mood is without it being covered up by pretending at work or with Mum. I wanted some time so I took it.


What thoughts am I having?


1. the depression hasn't gone with the job change. In fact although I feel better I know this job isn't what I want. I do wish I had got myself signed off from work from my previous job to enable me to get better. For me this job is all too much, takes over my life and is giving me no space. I cannot get out of thinking like that. of seeing the job that way and to be honest 80% of the people I meet see it like that too.


further thoughts - write resignation letter.
consequences - move cc debt to longer deal. be skint for a bit. but perhaps happier?


2. debt is certainly a frustration. I think if I didn't have that I would be more likely to leave. to travel, to live? debt is another responsibility. I wonder what it says that I got into debt again?


I am going to have a cup of tea - exicting eh! I am pondering how to manage time whilst Mum is away. It is funny a few years ago I thought she was the problem. Now I wonder how I would have managed with out her. Not that she really thinks depression is real - only yesterday she was saying the SAD wasn't real and people should pull themselves together! She doesn't know about my diagnosis because 1. she wouldn't understand and 2. she would worry as she associates depression with suicide so I elected not to tell her.

best get on. Bit cold here during the day


xx

Buffythedebtslayer

Hello again, can you tell I am not at work.


feels very indulgent, am in a blanket. The headache induced dizzyiness has lessened so am making chicken soup.


I am boiling a carcass!


I feel like I am some kind of serial killer destroying evidence! We all know cooking is not a strong point of mine so this is something of departure. If I don't post later on I may have poisoned myself.


am going to do some marking and watch Disney films - you see I want more of this in my life..............

WantToBeSE

Hiya Buffy

I have an unexpected day off work too, car trouble. Nothing serious though, all fixed now.

Is it cold where you are? Brrr...it's cold here in Cornwall. Woke up to ice this morning, had to spray de icer into my car locks as couldnt unlock the car! Then, when i put my 9 yr old in through the boot to open the rest of the doors, the car wouldnt start!

Anyhow, i went back inside and got MY PJs back on after dropping said 9 yr old at school

Your day of Disney sounds lovely

I have to get PJs off and civvies back on, as i am off to an appointment in a bit. Will dig the gloves out!