Oh come on! Stake through the heart. A little sunlight. It's like falling off a log"

Buffythedebtslayer

I suspect so Lucky. Sorry you have been feeling rotten too XXX.


I am hoping once work is done with tonight and I am out to dinner to with a friend that I will cheer up.


Trouble is I keep distracting myself from these feelings. With work or here, or even candy crush saga!


I am just so profoundly unhappy. And aware things need to change. I should be facing it.


I must sort this. just don't know how.

Buffythedebtslayer

Stood in the garden. Felt a bit better. tummy no so bad.


two friends - not close friends have gone to New York this holiday. they both earn more than me and subsequently can afford it etc.


Other friends - once close but no longer, are doing lots of kiddy related things.


I note other teaching friends - frazzled and stressed.


Me - avoiding work, blaming mess. no space to work in.


I feel lazy and tired. Frightened of work next week (feels like the old place) Panicking about observation that is upcoming. Like a tidal wave. no peace, no respite. Sister is coming over this afternoon. no space. work at 4 till 8. don't want it. don't care.


it is all should and no want to, might do. could do. and right in there is the issue.


I love my animals (you might have noticed) but I have to look after them, I have to look after Mum. I have to work stupidly on pointless tasks for work. I have to work all the time. my first actual time off will be at the end of March. Mum will be away then and is happy I am off because then I can do all the "sorting" and she doesn't have to worry about it. I thought once I had finished the Masters I would have more time but I simply have no idea how I managed last year???????/


And I know this is everyone's life, and it is what we all do. But increasingly I wondering why?


and what are the options?

Pooky

How's your piggie doing now Buffs?

I was half way through Kon-Mar-doodahhing the house when disaster struck with one of our cats, just came to terms with that and came down with a stonking cold, just started to feel better from that and then it all kicked off with my Mum, then another cold hit, then my Dad had a break down and we had to drive across the county in the middle of the night to go get him.....all this whilst trying to get into London everyday to the hospital, look after DH and DD's and get over the 2nd part of the cold that has left me hacking away like a 50 a day smoker......the chaos in the house didn't help. Over the past couple of days I've began to regain some balance and shipped a lot of stuff out to the garage to deal with another time.

Today I feel calmer and more able to cope because the house is (relatively) clean and tidy - It really does help my brain to focus and cope with the mental clutter when there's no physical clutter.

Don't try and aim to do your room in a couple of days, give yourself a week, a proper, organised week so that you don't feel rushed. Do the decluttering first, get the pets rehomed in another room the week before so they're settled and you've got room to move in your room and then be methodical. (easier said than done, I know)

Most of all - just give yourself a break - you've got a more than full time job, pets and your Mum to deal with plus your masters......you're not superwoman x

beanielou

Get thee to the Dr.

in_need_of_direction

In the meantime, when faced with something you don't want to do, write out why you need to do it well. It does help. You can do this while waiting to be seen at the gp

Buffythedebtslayer

yes Doctors. I need a number so I can book online. some new complicated malarkey that I have missed.




I had a good dinner out with my friend, in fact we reminded each other why we left our jobs and what we wanted to achieve by this. Gave me some serious things to think about.




so I have been journaling to get my head straighter.


I will reply properly tomorrow. thank you for writing


XXX

Buffythedebtslayer

Ponders. I have had a good day so far.


vets - got meds but have caught it early so that is good.


kitchen floor cleaned. and dishwasher sorted.


got about an hour before Mum is back from shopping. Am going to put her new TV up. had it nearly a year! it is suffering from the same fate as my sun lamp thing and printer. We both need to move and reorganise things so that they fit. It is an awful waste.


so that is what I shall do. The TV and some sorting.


Pooky you are right I should do this slowly.


XX

Buffythedebtslayer

I put the tv up. tried to do some decluttering but stupidly managed to hurt my back.


I was so annoyed.


I went to lay down to see if I could straighten it out and dozed off. So the day was a bust
my holiday has been a bust
All I have been is tired. Without the routine of work depression takes hold. Staying up late and not eating - Mum doesn't seen to buy food we can actually eat!!
On the plus side back feels better. I shall take a sleep aid tablet tonight and go to bed early.
so yeah not great.
xx

in_need_of_direction

At least the tv is up. I know what you mean about being off work. I sometimes wonder what bit of me would exist if I didn't have my job. Hopefully you'll get a good night's sleep.

Buffythedebtslayer

in_need_of_direction wrote: »

At least the tv is up. I know what you mean about being off work. I sometimes wonder what bit of me would exist if I didn't have my job. Hopefully you'll get a good night's sleep.

this is SO true! what person would I be if I didn't work the way I do??/


and yes tv is up.


XX