Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

gunsandbanjos

Mojisola wrote: »

Imagine if fabforty had another child and told the older two "I'm not going to support you financially any more because I've got a new baby" but that's exactly what their father has done.

Have you quoted my post because you agree with me? Because it sounds like you don't? But we are saying the same thing, I'm confused...

Mojisola

gunsandbanjos wrote: »

Have you quoted my post because you agree with me? Because it sounds like you don't? But we are saying the same thing, I'm confused...

Yes, I agree with you - that's why I "thanked" your post.

nearlyrich

My ex hardly paid any maintenance for our children, he left when I was 7 month pregnant with number 2 and the older one was 15 month, they are grown up now and they never heard from me about his lack of responsibility I got a job that turned into a fab career and I have never needed to ask him for anything. Just my opinion but it worked for me and it sounds like the OP's friend is in a similar position moneywise. At first it was tough but as I have said on more than one occasion the best revenge is to live well and we do.

gunsandbanjos

Mojisola wrote: »

Yes, I agree with you - that's why I "thanked" your post.

I didn't notice the thanks, sorry, it kinda sounded like you disagreed with me.

Think I need some more sleep!

KxMx

I think an honest factual explanation would be a good idea.

The 12 yo will probably work out the rest in time for herself... I did!

Oh and I wouldn't put trust in the ex to explain things in a fair manner either judging by what we have been told of his character, so i'm all for mum giving a factual answer.

Of course children should be educated about money, where it comes from, budgeting and so on.

Judging by the number of bewildered complaints from parents on this board though, that children who become adults don't seem to know where it comes from, that doesn't always happen, and I am pleased to see more reasonable approaches on this topic

paulineb_2

It does look like however, the new partner was very much part of the decision making process that meant the dad stayed at home, so she will know that no maintenance is being paid for the other kids.

Not sure I could personally know that would be the outcome and be happy about it.

itsanne

I've only read the first half of the thread, so apologies that I'm bound to repeat what someone else has said. What prompted me to contribute anyway was disagreeing very strongly that the father was a good one.

Parents have a responsibility to their children. That responsibility does not cease with the breakup of the parents' relationship. Moving on from each other is one thing, but they do not have the right to move on from their children.

In this instance, the father has hugely prioritised his new children over the original ones. It may well be that it is beneficial for his new family that he is a SAHD, but that is to the detriment of his first children. Because he has abdicated his responsibility their mother has to work more than is desirable to support them, impacting on the time she is able to give them. I think that makes him an appalling, selfish father.

I do not think that second partners should normally be expected to contribute to their partner's children from a previous relationship, but in the situation in this instance, where the father's choice is not to work to provide maintenance in order to benefit the new family, the new partner should have to contribute. And yes, I know this is a hugely contentious area and have no idea how to make it work fairly, but it is still the morally correct thing.

To return to the original question, as the child raised the subject, I think she should be told the truth. Obviously that should be done sensitively, but not telling her is likely to increase her resentment towards her mother - a resentment that has actually been triggered by her father's self-indulgent behaviour in the first place.

Errata

Dasa wrote: »

Yea, I agree with the poster that said this is a moral issue as the kids seem to be well provided for by their mum anyway.

So what happens should mum lose her job or is on long term sick?

lostinrates

clearingout wrote: »

Unfortunately, it would seem that there are an awful lot of women out there who are happy to see 'first' children go without. My ex sure seems able to find a plentiful supply! We see it occassionally as well on the CSA board here - woman left with children, ex disappeared, turns out he didn't pay for his children from the first marriage for years and somehow she thought it would be different if it ever happened to her. Karma is a wonderful thing but sadly, doesn't seem to kick in often enough (or quick enough!).

Karma isn't a great thing because it means MORE kids are in the same situation.

lostinrates

Seanymph wrote: »

Nice to have the choice isn't it? Their mum, who has residency can't suddenly decide to stop working and focus on something 'new'. She is holding the fort and paying the bills and raising jointly conceived kids.

Like I say - nice to be able to choose. But as for expecting his ex wife to cover his !!!! and not let the kids know that he isn't paying anything? No of course not!

She doesn't have to say 'no he's a deadbeat who prioritises other things - but she can say 'daddy doesn't give me maintenance honey, he doesn't work'.

And leave it at that.

Covering for a dead beat dead is NOT the ex wifes job. Not to blame him, or dump baggage on the kids - but certainly she doesn't have to excuse his behaviour or lie for him.

As a matter of interest while I doubt any resident parent would take it...it might be that in this sort of situation there is choice....the sahm in the 'new family' could have the first family kids during the working week too, leaving the first partner (current resident parent) freedom to earn and have the 'fun' weekend visits. But few parents with residence I think would choose to relinquish it.


Op, fwiw, I would probably be honest but only if no animosity whatsoever was included in the information. I wouldn't want the father I was going to tell her, I would let him know I had and the context in which it had arisen. I would also keep malice out of that communication if I could and probably, as I might find that harder, I might do it by email, so I could pick words carefully and it could not be said I had said something I didn't to him.


I am not parent, but I loved in a blended family. I think dishonest end and secrets cause far more harm than good longterm.