Stepping into 2014- walking in My Shoes with Mooloo

Errata

He'll never understand no matter how much you explain things to him, his brain isn't wired to do that. His lack of insight and empathy seems very similar to the twins.
How you feel right now will change just give it a bit of time and fill your life with doing stuff, leaving no time for rumination.

Savvy_sewing

Spent the evening sewing another thermal bag. Hope I can sell a few this week to make up for my lost time at work.
Watched the create and craft demo on the sewing machine I use at work occasionally. Really wanted to play, but the thermal bag needed tacking first. Just needs it's cord threaded tomorrow and it's done, and it's late, so I'm hoping for a better nights sleep, as I was de slugging the beans and peas at 4.30am this morning!!!!

Savvy_sewing

Well I am so tired! Weird dreams, but at least I got some sleep. Still awake just before 5 am, was a bit cold, so grabbed my dressing gown to just cover me, as the duvet would have been far too hot.
I use a thin quilted throw at the moment.
I can hear DGD moving about now, the dustbin lorries just made enough racket to wake the world. As DGD is not at school, I'm not doing DGD2, DS and his GF are, because I don't want anyone else to get the virus, and I am praying I don't get it, as there's nobody to look after me, and DGD if I do.
( her Mum is still away). Not that she's ever come to help in many a year.
Ah peace the lorry has clattered off round the corner, but the next one usually comes the other way down the road any minute now.
Today is a day at home then, sun is out, so maybe a bit of gardening on the agenda, the front garden is now a wildflower, (Erm weed patch), haven for the little creatures. Way out of control.
Down side of no longer having BF to help me with it!
I must say Thankyou to those out there who have liked my page, lots of people have now seen some of my work. Still masses of things to picture and upload. Hopefully I will get a few sales aswell, because this weeks money is going to be down £86. , not working at the centre.
Right positives, positives Moo, no doubting allowed.
There's the other bin, not quite so noisy, must be the garden waste one rather then the recycle stuff, seems much quiter, and much quicker through. One more to come for the food waste then.

minimoneysaver

Just reading a few of your posts Mooloo, do you think that your ex is on the spectrum? So many things that you've said ring a bell in my head, for example, not wanting to talk on the phone, not bringing his work life into his home life (keeping his lives separate), unwilling to make life changes etc. What does everyone else think?

Bextow

Have to agree with minimoneysaver, I have Aspergers and I do act like mooloos ex. I can't talk on the phone, I don't like to mix at all, my work & family life NEVER mix. I also say things that are perhaps not nice, I definately don't mean any hurt, but they do hurt people. I am me and I can't change (I have tried), the people around me know how I am and put up with me.

Savvy_sewing

Never thought about that, but no I don't think so. And I don't remember him having trouble when we were at school. He's quite determined, driven, competitive, single minded, quiet, contemplative, shy, but he lacks self confidence, and struggles to show emotions. He bottles things up, and doesn't confide in Anyone! And I mean anyone, not even his family.
So he often "beats himself up", mentally for not having the courage to confront a situation. He believes he is fair and firm with his kids etc, ( and DGD), just that he has some of his Fathers traits ( was RAF and a boxer), who can be pretty cantanqurace ( spelling?).
biggest of Mooloo does believe he loves me, but just wishes he would do something to meet me half way. He doesn't see it as him not adapting. One of his thoughts the other day was that why would he still be around through all the children's problems etc, if he didn't love me, or want it to work, etc.
But from my point of view, he's around the peripheral but didn't/doesn't deal with any of the situations, and doesn't like it if he gives me his opinion then I don't do as he suggests, I say that I do listen, but after eating up the odds then sometimes I still have to go with my gut instinct.
Anyway, at this precise moment I am getting on, and doing what I want to do, my way, without the little voice in my ear saying whether he would or wouldn't want me to do x.y, or z.
Today I've spent an hour hard work tackling the overgrown bushes outside my front window. Then I have finished the thermal bag, and now I'm going to see what else is needing finishing off. DGD is feeling better as she just had a strop over my asking her to tidy up her bedroom!
Time for the next job.

duchy

Sounds awfully like Apergers to me.
When trying to explain Aspergers I tend to explain it as seeing everything in black and white terms and not seeing the greys at all.

Doesn't really matter what label you give it at his age though. He is who he is

Savvy_sewing

Yes Duchy, he is not going to change now, and I have changed all I can trying hard to keep the peace, care for my family and be there for him. But it's not that I don't love him, I really do. It's more that I realised that I no longer wanted to give up my home here and move there, that I didn't want to move DGD, that I wanted to make my own choices and not live by his rules when I am not even in his house.
Yes if we add up all the bad things, it makes me wonder how I loved him, or stayed with him, but is course there are lots of good bits or I wouldn't have kept trying for so long.
We just want/need different things.
(If it is Aspergus then I feel pretty guilty that I've given up on him, considering my girls have autism tendencies.). I can't give up on them ( much as I sometimes wish I could). But then if it was surely he would have understood them, which he doesn't.

Allegra

Mooloo wrote: »

(If it is Aspergus then I feel pretty guilty that I've given up on him, considering my girls have autism tendencies.). I can't give up on them ( much as I sometimes wish I could). But then if it was surely he would have understood them, which he doesn't.

Flippin' eck, woman - how have you given up on him ? You've given it ten years, second chance after second chance - you have to draw the line somewhere ! And the reason you can never give up on your girls is not because they are on the spectrum - it's because they are your girls, innit.


Anyhow - it doesn't matter whether he is on the spectrum or not (actually, from my experience, some undiagnosed people on the spectrum can be the ones that find it most difficult to be tolerant towards diagnosed people on the spectrum - I suspect it's something to do with the fact that they had to figure their own way through life, with zero help, and therefore find that some very raw nerves are touched when they are expected to make allowances for other people that no one ever made for them).


Besides, you know what they say - you meet one person with autism, you've met one person with autism. Just because some people can be said to have forms of the same condition, does not mean they will have anything else in common.


Oh, and another thought whilst I'm at it - just because you're Aspie, does not mean you're not also a !!!!!!. My ex was both

Savvy_Sue

Mooloo wrote: »

(If it is Aspergus then I feel pretty guilty that I've given up on him, considering my girls have autism tendencies.). I can't give up on them ( much as I sometimes wish I could). But then if it was surely he would have understood them, which he doesn't.

Actually, no. Because what you have to bear in mind that there isn't always a lot of empathy there, at least not naturally there. (I do believe it can be learned ... IF the person sees it as desirable to do so.)

So you don't 'get' something, but you can't 'get' that someone else doesn't 'get it' either.

In fact you can probably very clear see what someone else should do, while being completely blind to the fact that you should do the very same thing!!!

Allegra wrote: »

Oh, and another thought whilst I'm at it - just because you're Aspie, does not mean you're not also a !!!!!!. My ex was both

And in their defence, some of them make lovely partners and are lovely people. DH has learned to care about others, and DS1 sometimes says the sweetest things. When my Dad died, for example, I was in tears one night trying to sort out a wedding anniversary present from him to my mum, which he'd talked to me about but not managed to get. DS1 said "I know you're upset, but I don't really understand why, and I don't know what I can do to help. I don't know that there is ANYTHING I can do to help, but if there is you have to tell me and I will do it if I can."

We shared the house with another adult male Aspie too (yes, three of them, two NT boys, and me ...) and although he was difficult to reason with and I wouldn't have wanted to marry him, he could be very supportive when the need arose.