Stepping into 2014- walking in My Shoes with Mooloo

Savvy_sewing

Well I am not surprised that he was just on the phone, ( finally he decided to call). But of course it was not the easiest to deal with, of course he was nice, and understanding, or correction trying to understand etc, but I am afraid I told him the same as I did on Thursday. Too little too late.
He doesn't agree with my side of some of it, ( pleading ignorance to things).
But I said that after 10 years of breaking up and making up about three times a year, it's time to give up, as wanting it to work doesn't actually mean it will work. That it's too late. That I have changed and that I can't and won't take it anymore.
Oh he was plausible, and the old me would give him the benefit of the doubt, but today I feel strong enough to say, sorry but it's too little too late. Was interesting conversation, as he actually talked, but it hasn't changed my mind.
DGD is ill. She got sent home from school mid morning, she has a high temperature. I hope she starts to respond to the ibrufen soon.
Time to eat now.

Hard_Up_Hester

Funny how he can be bothered to phone when he can't get what he wants via text as for pleading ignorance, my !!!!! how convenient.
As the others are saying, don't give in, be strong for DGD's sake.

Errata

Leopards don't change their spots, they just try different hunting tactics.
You've said all you want and need to say, now delete him from your phone and your life. Stop encouraging him by talking to him, because he'll see it as encouragement to carry on wheedling and trying to bribe you with used patio sets.

Savvy_sewing

Oh I wish it was so easy. Where is the off switch for love?
I wonder at times if it's me? Have I done him an injustice, carved a devil out of a shadow from an angel or something, he is not all bad. He was good with dGD. But that is not the point at the moment. I am still raw. But I am still not planning to go back.

lostinrates

Mooloo wrote: »

Oh I wish it was so easy. Where is the off switch for love?
I wonder at times if it's me? Have I done him an injustice, carved a devil out of a shadow from an angel or something, he is not all bad. He was good with dGD. But that is not the point at the moment. I am still raw. But I am still not planning to go back.

Good with dgd? Wasn't there something about him not wanting to take her out for meals or stay over if his adult child was there or something? Also setting her this model of adult relationships when so many of the important adults in her life have less than ideal situations is far from putting her needs first, which as your partner he needs to do, and what you need to do.

Few people are all bad. And none are are perfect but knowing that isn't enough. There has to be will and care and commitment and communication and shared goals.

Errata

You'll get over it, itbtakes a while but is easier with every day that passes.
I can only take into account what you've written about him over the years, he's always sounded like a piece if work and your gratitude when he cuts your grass on the very odd occasion has astounded me. If he cared about you and wanted to support you he'd be doing it all the time to make your life easier. When I'm laid up, as I have been regularly over the last three years my neighbour just comes round and cuts my grass every week for a cuppa and a biscuit.

Savvy_sewing

Maybe I'm still stuck in conditioned mode? I'm fighting it.

Allegra

Mooloo hun, of course he's not all bad - no one is. Perhaps he's not bad at all - perhaps you'd not have loved him for ten years if he was - but none of that changes the fact that he is bad for you.

Sometimes people just do not work together, no matter how they try - and yes, no matter how much they love each other.


Repeat after me:


He's a good man, but he's not good for me.


I deserve someone I can rely on no matter what.


I deserve someone who will have my back when the manure hits the windmill, no matter whether he agreed or disagreed with my chosen course of action in the first place.


I deserve a chance to be myself at all given times, without fear of repercussions.


I am a responsible adult, and deserve an adult relationship with another responsible adult.


I can not wait for him to grow up, no matter how much I love him.


If we were meant to be together.... It was not necessarily in this lifetime.


I deserve better.


I am better.


That'll do to be getting along with, I think ;o)

Hard_Up_Hester

My husband isn't perfect, he can be a grumpy begger at times, especially when they are short staffed at work which is most of the time. He has been married twice before & both his wives cheated on him. BUT, he still assumes I'm faithful, he empties the bins because it's the job I hate most, he grows a garden full of fruit & veg that he doesn't eat because I like home grown veg, he is unfailingly kind to my children & grandchildren And is always happy to have them visit or to visit them. He was delighted when my DD2 got pregnant with her 4th which meant a lot to her as her own father was nasty about it. In return, my children & grandchildren love him to bits, send him Fathers day cards. I look after him & support him & take care of him. That is love, I never have to watch what I say or who I speak too. He is well aware of how my marriage ended & that my ex had insisted on wifeswapping. My hubby thinks this is hysterically funny as he can't think of anyone less suited to wife swapping than me. (I don't like people touching me) but he never throws it in my face & never calls me names because of what I did. BECAUSE HE LOVES ME!!!!!

Savvy_sewing

Think i will write that on my chalk board for now Allegra.
I am too soft at times. But I'm not going to drop everything and take him back. Because I am well aware I'd be back on the Ferris wheel and I can't take that.
It's just ironic that he can talk now, dispite saying he doesn't know how to talk, or to find the words, etc. One comment was that he said at work a chap had mentioned when he was talking at home about his day etc and he'd said to him "you know what it's like when...." And he admitted he'd agreed but that actually he didn't know because he never talked about work at home! Erm yep he never did. Then actually went on to say about when his company was hours away from closing the factory gates, he hadn't talked about it to anyone. He had kept it all inside. I said that he had refused to talk, had a face like thunder and was unapproachable so I'd known something was up, and I'd seen the threat on the news.
I did try and explain that what he does/did was not normal, and that I couldn't live that way anymore. He was shocked that I felt intimidated, or put down, etc etc but I said, well I've told you before etc.
He said he needed to understand things, that he wouldn't ask me to change my mind, he just needed to understand. But he doesn't, and he won't.
I didn't feel I owed him the explanation, but I felt that telling him the problems from my point of view may help me to get my head around it too!
Ofcourse hind sight is a wonderful thing, but it doesn't change the fact that he has a fundamental flaw that is not going to change, and he will be dwelling on what went wrong, and then getting chewed up about it etc for a very long time to come.
I may still take a while to get over him, and may miss the good bits, but I will bounce back much sooner, because I want to move on. I want to change my life, I want to continue to give DGD a good life, and I want to stay here and build my business, and I want to have the holiday or retirement abroad, and I intend to reach for my dreams.
I can't stop the drive in me for my dreams any longer.

But no it's not as easy as switching off a light.
I've rarely had anyone that did the things you all talk about for me. I've not chosen my men very well. Although non have been monsters, relationships have been a slog. Except I always finally knew it was time to give up.
I certainly wouldn't want to go back to any of them.
At the moment I am just planning on being able to make my own choices for a while, and make sure DGD has as best a life as I can give her.