Pay ALL your debt off by Xmas 2014!

Sandypan

Number 78 reporting in, haven't posted anything this month but have been checking in to see how everybody is getting on. Well done everybody for being here however big or small the payments. Another amazing monthly total, I wonder how much it would have been if people hadn't been part of this thread. Thank you to all the people who manage it.

My extra DD is still going out so another
£1500 for #78

Hope everybody has a good month.

blackberrycurved_2

Not posted for a while I feel I'm in a bit of a black hole. Hopefully things will get a bit better this month. I'm looking for advice here from the board as some of you are so good at managing money and I'm not seeing the wood for the trees.
My mum is getting on 81 and although she's managing well on her own she's lonely so we are considering living together.
She has a flat worth £140,000 my house is worth £250,000.
She can live here the house is big but not huge, her bedroom would be small and we'd need to put in a downstairs toilet so she wasn't running up and down the stairs all day. There is room for her to have her own living room but we lose our dining room. We have a tiny other room we could eat in. We have a tiny kitchen with no cupboards so we would need to get more cupboards fitted and there would be a very tiny square left for food prep.
Or we could sell both properties and get something more suitable for about £300,000 giving us no mortgage and about £75k left in the bank. My mum feels that if she used her money then half of the 75K would be hers. She doesn't want to pay towards bills as she's paid the money to help buy the house and it'll be mine when she dies. She is always cold which isn't her fault but she will need the heating on most days summer and winter.She's not easy to get along with and insults my 15 yr old all the time. So I'll have a better house but the extra bills will possibly be as much as my current mortgage.
Another option is for her to rent out her flat for £600 a month then she has it if she hates living here but I can't afford to make the changes re bathroom etc because my man is on disability and we're living on crumbs trying to pay debts off. Any ideas would be good. She does have some savings about £4k. I have suggested that id she lent me the money then i could pay her back monthly she won't go for this as she says she's elderly and might not live long enough to get it back?
I do love my mum and I'm sure she loves me despite this.

minicooper272

Blackberry - that's a tough one.

My personal thoughts on this: selling both properties would be quite final, and doesn't give you a lot of options if living together doesn't work out. If you have doubts you could all 'put up' with one another, I would suggest you see how she gets on living in your current house, even if it's a bit cramped. After a while, you can re-visit the idea of moving somewhere bigger.

Unfortunately that would also mean trying to find the money for home improvements. It's tough, but if you rent her flat out, could you save that money up towards the necessary home improvements? It would mean the improvements come a little later than preferred though...

If you are living on a shoe string, you also need to be firm that your mum pays for a share of the bills (even if it's just for the increase on what you already pay). She can't in good conscience watch you go into debt trying to afford the extra.

The other option is to look at whether there are any flats up for sale within walking distance of your house (or vice versa), which would let you visit each other more often, but wouldn't give you any of the money squabbles.

marliepanda

That is a very tough one. The part about her insulting your 15 year old was the one that particular hit home to me.

You cannot have her in your house, living with you, if she is going to continue to do that. Mother or not, you cannot put your 15 year old through that.

I would not make it a permanent move until you know she can live in your house in a civil way.

She does not sound like the most reasonable woman wanting to live for 'free' either. Also be aware if she does end up needing residential care (which you cannot provide) the money side of thing could have implications, as right now she 'has' 144k.

IrishRose12

Would she not consider moving into a fold or sheltered accommodation if the only reason she is moving in with you is because she is lonely?

I would personally say not to go ahead with your current plans to live together, she sounds a bit selfish IMO, and especially if she is hard on your son as it is.

I'd look into other options for her where she can have her own space but have company of people her own age and abilities

blackberrycurved_2

Hello Thanks for the advice. She lives in a flat quite close by and we call her every day. I visit maybe twice or 3 times a week, my bloke visits by himself once a week and my daughter maybe once a week. We also take her shopping once a fortnight and sometimes out for coffee or lunch in between. But I go out at 8am and aren't back until 6.30pm at weekends I'm trying to get all the cleaning and shopping done. But it's not enough on the days we don't see her she is on the phone upset and I live in constant guilt. She wants to live in a house with us there that has a garden that she can sit in. We don't have a garden at the moment, where she is there is a communal garden but she refuses to sit in it. We tried her in sheltered accommodation 2 years ago but she said it was too small. She won't move here unless the downstairs toilet is already in and is threatening to sell and move but the only houses she can afford here with £140,000 are old property that need a lot of work or something in a really unsafe area even them 140k will only get her a dog kennel. So I have to stop her from doing that. I just wish I could make the figures stack up.

minicooper272

Blackberry, I don't know you or your Mum personally, so hope I'm not jumping to unfair judgements here, but it does sound a little like your mum is trying to guilt you into this, completely on her terms. If she lives with you, you need to reach a compromise, otherwise she will expect you to accommodate her on anything when it comes to living together.

I can completely sympathise with that horrible feeling of being lonely. It is actually what drew me to become a volunteer befriender with my local Age UK branch, and I'd suggest you get in touch with them. Each week I visit an elderly house-bound lady, and keep her company for an hour, but I know they also have a lot of information on activities in the area, and they arrange day trips and coffee mornings a few times a year. Your mum might be nervous about those things, I know my gran always hated the idea of going, but had a whale of a time if she went.

Edit: Here's a link explaining the service:
http://www.ageuk.org.uk/health-wellbeing/relationships-and-family/befriending-services-combating-loneliness--/

They do all the relevant disclosure checks, and vet all volunteers first to make sure we're not psychopaths!

IrishRose12

blackberrycurved wrote: »

Hello Thanks for the advice. She lives in a flat quite close by and we call her every day. I visit maybe twice or 3 times a week, my bloke visits by himself once a week and my daughter maybe once a week. We also take her shopping once a fortnight and sometimes out for coffee or lunch in between. But I go out at 8am and aren't back until 6.30pm at weekends I'm trying to get all the cleaning and shopping done. But it's not enough on the days we don't see her she is on the phone upset and I live in constant guilt. She wants to live in a house with us there that has a garden that she can sit in. We don't have a garden at the moment, where she is there is a communal garden but she refuses to sit in it. We tried her in sheltered accommodation 2 years ago but she said it was too small. She won't move here unless the downstairs toilet is already in and is threatening to sell and move but the only houses she can afford here with £140,000 are old property that need a lot of work or something in a really unsafe area even them 140k will only get her a dog kennel. So I have to stop her from doing that. I just wish I could make the figures stack up.

No offence Blackberry but if it were my mum trying to guilt trip me I would tell her that I have my own family now and they come first.
It's not fair on you, your husband or your son. It does sound to me that she's being very selfish and is used to getting what she wants. Again that's not fair on any of you and you can't let her dictate where or how you all live.
It seems to me that you all do more than enough for her, but she has to realise she doesn't run the show.
Are you an only child?? If not what do your siblings think about the situation?

Maybe try that organisation that minicooper has suggested?? It sounds really good.

blackberrycurved_2

Thanks Mini and Irish yes I'm an only child. I'm looking at the AgeUk site now. Of course you are right but it's so hard because I don't want to see her unhappy. My man thinks that she won't be happy wherever she lives and I suspect from past experience that he is right. But she is 81 and I guess I won't have her for ever and so yes still massively guilty. I'm looking at houses online now - very hard. Hopefully pay something off debts soon and thanks again.

rogueylawyer

blackberrycurved wrote: »

Thanks Mini and Irish yes I'm an only child. I'm looking at the AgeUk site now. Of course you are right but it's so hard because I don't want to see her unhappy. My man thinks that she won't be happy wherever she lives and I suspect from past experience that he is right. But she is 81 and I guess I won't have her for ever and so yes still massively guilty. I'm looking at houses online now - very hard. Hopefully pay something off debts soon and thanks again.

Hi Blackberry

I can't advise you either way, but I will stress that if you proceed to blend your properties you need legal advice, independent from your mother, as to your position. I say this as a lawyer specialising in care home fees and contentious probate work: if you are going to do this you need to sit down with a lawyer to ensure that your financial interests are protected in the event of your mother needing residential care/domiciliary care in excess of that which her income can support/if she decides she's had enough and wants to live by herself/if you and your family cannot keep the arrangement and need your mother to move out. You've worked too hard to let your own financial interests be subsumed by your mother's needs or your local council claiming an interest in the property. Any advice should be paid by the hour and will generally cost you less than £1000 (perhaps even less than £500 if you speak to someone who knows their stuff), and whilst that might seem expensive now, it's far better than coming to one of my colleagues further down the line to sort it out if it's gone wrong.