How do you know when to call time on marriage?

sportbeth

I had a number of issues in my relatively short marriage and this was one of them. Speaking as a former survivor (who got out) I totally sympathise with you.

It sounds as though you've been through this loop with him a number of times and nothing has improved. Being absolutely brutal here, you have to think long and hard about what will make you happy long term as it sounds as if it is you who will have to compromise here, not him.

I'm not saying it is easy leaving, but two years after I left my ex husband I've now found (after dating a lot of weirdos) a lovely guy who thinks I'm attractive in every way and believe me, it really does bring you back to life!

If your man isn't willing to adjust after everything you have done to support him, he has no defence in this situation. It sounds like you have been open, honest and brilliantly supportive. You're more than young enough to start again and find happiness.

Mary_Muddled

ValHaller wrote: »

Last ditch. Climb Snowden together. Get a tandem. Go whitewater rafting. Challenge each other to a half marathon.
Sunshine fresh air. But if he doesn't want to engage ....

We've just come back from a holiday in the far east - we enjoy the same holidays and get on great whilst away together, but even leaving behind all of the humdrum and stresses of every day life, it doesn't ignite anything between us.

Mary_Muddled

SailorSam wrote: »

If your husbands problems are physical, would it help if you bought some 'toys'.

He's not interested, and I have 'toys' for myself . I just feel like I have to use it in secret as otherwise it's rubbing his face in the problem we have - bit difficult when he hardly ever goes out without me, and is in from work before me! Oh yes, and a toy does't particularly make you feel desirable or womanly!

jetplane

You have brought it out into the open, well done you x It is sad when a marriage ends because it is the end of hopes and dreams, just take one day at a time and give yourself some space to breathe.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Some antidepressant medication has a known side effect of pretty mich eliminating any sexual response or function. And some people don't feel better on meds initially, they just feel 'numb' emotionally.

But he's been rejecting you. He's been avoiding your company in the house. He's not made real efforts to change over time.


There's also the possibility that he skins up and smokes in the garden before you get in from work each day.


In any case, if you can't face the prospect of the rest of your life being like this, it's time to say 'enough'.

Frankieloo

I think when the bad outweighs the good over a sustained period of time it's time to say enough. Even if it's just some time apart to understand your feelings a little more. Good luck with finding the right resolution for you both.

Mary_Muddled

Thank you all. I'm doing okay today. If anything, I feel I'm doing a little too okay. I wonder if it's because it's not sunk in yet or because I feel I'm doing the right thing?

ValHaller

Mary_Muddled wrote: »

Thank you all. I'm doing okay today. If anything, I feel I'm doing a little too okay. I wonder if it's because it's not sunk in yet or because I feel I'm doing the right thing?

It is probably because you are arriving at a realisation without trauma. Probably for your own long term peace of mind you need to be as certain as you can that you have explored every avenue. This from JjtTf is about the only one left that I can see

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Some antidepressant medication has a known side effect of pretty mich eliminating any sexual response or function. And some people don't feel better on meds initially, they just feel 'numb' emotionally.

I have never felt trial separations were a good idea as an early shot, but perhaps an agreed separation for a few months followed by a review may give you both some clarity?

Mary_Muddled

Thanks Val, the meds are a relatively recent thing, say the last 6 months, however the issues we've had have been going on far longer. It's been 2 years since we saw the counseller.

I think it could well be over. There have been so many 'last chances' that I'm sure it became an empty threat to him. I don't think I can find it in me to give it another go and I don't want to give him false hope either. I think that I love him in the wrong way for a relationship. I love him like a family member, I want the best for him and don't want to see him hurt or upset, but it's just not enough. I can't spend the next 40 odd years feeling like I didn't try my hardest to be happy and live life to the max.