How do you know when to call time on marriage?

FBaby

I just want to say i really feel for you. Such a difficult decision to made. You have both tried, so it's not like either of you care. On one hand, I want to say that you are lucky to have a good supportive man on your side who was prepared to try to make this better and it is worth continuing to encourage it UNTIL the problem is sorted.

On the other hand, I can understand that you are not convince it would ever really change and hope that you can fall in love again. I can totally understand that you desperately miss the affectionate/desired part of the relationship.

It's a tough decision but I agree with the other poster, your husband deserved to know how you feel and whether you should separated or not should ideally be a joint decision.

CRANKY40

Funny, I was going to ask you if he smoked pot. The "can't be bothered" attitude is typical of a heavy user. My cousin had the same problem with her boyfriend and in the end left him to get on with it. She's now happily married with 2 children.

Seanymph

It's his problem not yours though hun.

You are trying to cope with it,solve it, work on it - and you have a lot of advice telling you to address it and put up with it.

But you can't can you? really?

This guy has an issue - now, if he suddenly was paralyzed and it was obvious and you could understand it I would be the first in the line telling you to stand by your man and take medical advice.

But he isnt' paralyzed - he's making no effort to make you feel desirable - and you don't understand it which is making you confused.

Of COURSE you are going to be flattered by a guy who acts as if you are attractive! You wouldn't feel attractive living with a guy who wants a housekeeper.

now I won't begin to guess what his issue is (gay, drugs, affair, abuse - who knows) - because it doesn't matter. What matters is how it makes you feel, and the fact that its HIS responsibility.

No one should be stuck as an accessorie to decorate someone else's life - and in my opinion you are. It suits him to have a housekeeper and buddy to live with who isn't too demanding and doesn't rock his boat.

Personally I wouldn't want to 'make' him have sex with me either. How hollow would that be? You've done about as much as you can whilst retaining a shred of dignity and self belief and STILL he chooses not to show interest in you physically.

Personally I'd be checking out the legal situation with regard to finances and the house - because I'd rather have some self confidence intact and live in a bedsit than live with that kind of erosion every day in my self belief.

You are gorgeous - the man you are married to is a muppet.

Go have babies with someone who chases you around the house.

opinions4u

Is he getting his needs met elsewhere?

Is he gay?

Is he doing drugs or drink?

Why not pay for more counselling?

Will he see a doctor?

By the way, the current state of affairs isn't sustainable long term.

jetplane

Most people want to be desired even if it's just now and again, however it sounds as if you are not receiving any attention from your husband and it so easy to be flattered by someone who shows an interest in you. Is your husband not capable of intimacy on any level? Sex is important but for me togetherness is essential and separate rooms does not sound encouraging.

This is his problem and although we work through problems in a marriage they can not always be resolved. If I was investing so much time and effort into my marriage I would want to know why he was unable to be intimate. I would want to know whether it was due to trauma or whether his interests lay elsewhere, or in some fantasy.

In your shoes I would seriously consider my future particularly in my 30's and before I started a family. I would discuss this with my husband but I would need decisive action from him and you have probably given him every chance and consideration already. My reasons for calling time would be his apathy. You clearly have been unhappy for a long time and rather than stumbling into an affair maybe you need to move on and regain that passion in your life.

Errata

There's an awful lot about what he doesn't do, but I can't see anything you've done / are doing to bring about change. Also, beware of works Xmas parties flirting and banter, it's usually a complete nonsense.

How do you know when to call time on marriage?

When it occurs to you do nothing else but that.

prowla

Sounds to me like it's over.

The only consideration is whether you wish to remain on friendly terms or not; it takes a little more effort to do so.

With no kids it should be reasonably straightforward.

Tiddlywinks

Seanymph wrote: »

It's his problem not yours though hun.

You are trying to cope with it,solve it, work on it - and you have a lot of advice telling you to address it and put up with it.

But you can't can you? really?

This guy has an issue - now, if he suddenly was paralyzed and it was obvious and you could understand it I would be the first in the line telling you to stand by your man and take medical advice.

But he isnt' paralyzed - he's making no effort to make you feel desirable - and you don't understand it which is making you confused.

Of COURSE you are going to be flattered by a guy who acts as if you are attractive! You wouldn't feel attractive living with a guy who wants a housekeeper.

now I won't begin to guess what his issue is (gay, drugs, affair, abuse - who knows) - because it doesn't matter. What matters is how it makes you feel, and the fact that its HIS responsibility.

No one should be stuck as an accessorie to decorate someone else's life - and in my opinion you are. It suits him to have a housekeeper and buddy to live with who isn't too demanding and doesn't rock his boat.

Personally I wouldn't want to 'make' him have sex with me either. How hollow would that be? You've done about as much as you can whilst retaining a shred of dignity and self belief and STILL he chooses not to show interest in you physically.

Personally I'd be checking out the legal situation with regard to finances and the house - because I'd rather have some self confidence intact and live in a bedsit than live with that kind of erosion every day in my self belief.

You are gorgeous - the man you are married to is a muppet.

Go have babies with someone who chases you around the house.

I'm speechless at this response.

It's his problem, not the OP's? Sorry but they are married so of course it's a shared problem. That's what a partnership is all about.

No sympathy because its not paralysis? So mental illness - be it depression, past coming back to haunt him or whatever - is not worthy of support from his wife?

You finally write him off as a muppet based on a couple of posts from the OP... This isn't your life, you don't need to live with the consequences... It's easy for you just to say leave and move on...

OP - go with your OH to see your GP, ask for blood tests for hormone levels etc and referral on for specialist support.

It can't be much fun for either of you... maybe use the holiday to just try getting closer again. Not in a parading around in sexy undies kind of way but just enjoying spending time together.

Seanymph

I was answering the OP - focusing on the OP and supporting her right to have a fulfilling life.

I agree marriage is a partnership - but one of you doesn't have to sacrifice themselves on the altar of the other, and this is currently onesided.

She has BEEN living with the consequences - at thirty years old, in a relationship where she feels unvalued and undesired how much more of her life would you have her hand to this unresponsive man who doesn't meet her needs?

Mary_Muddled

Hi All,

Thanks for your messages overnight. We had the talk in the small hours of this morning and he's now gone to stay at his mums for a bit. I'm feeling a bit numb to be honest.

I'll come back soon and answer questions from your posts to clear things up a bit.

Thanks, x