How do you know when to call time on marriage?

Mary_Muddled

I've name changed for this as I know members of family sometimes use this site.

How do you know when to call time on your marriage? I've been with my DH for 8 years and it feels like we're just very good friends who live well together rather than husband and wife. We don't have a physical relationship and haven't done for a very long time. He's acknowledged that the problem with this is on his side and we've been to counselling to try and work things out in that department but there is no improvement. Because we do get on well, I thought I was okay with this and that I could happily live my life with him, but recently I've started to doubt this and wonder if I've been kidding myself.

I went on a couple of work Christmas parties recently and a colleague and I have gravitated towards eachother both times and there has been flirting and banter as well as a bit of a drunken heart to heart about our situations (me being married and he's in a newish relationship). Even though nothing other than that has happened, feeling 'desired' by another man made me feel so giddy and excited and it's made me realise what has died between my husband and I. I really miss being desired in that way. I know as relationships go on, the inital spark can go, but there should be 'something' there, shouldn't there?

Am I expecting too much after 8 years or have I watched too many movies with happy endings?

downshifted

If you loved him enough to marry him you loved him enough to tell him what you have said here. Talk to him now. See if your marriage can be maintained. Don't just throw it away for a bit of excitement. Only give up if he doesn't respond.

Tiddlywinks

You aren't entirely happy with your situation at home... and you find the attention of your colleague flattering.

That's no reason to throw away your marriage just yet.

You really do need to have a heart to heart with your husband - he needs to hear how you feel and have a chance to work with you to patch things up.

Do you love him? Does he love you?

You say you get on well... can you build things back up to the feelings you had back when you first got together?

Don't make a rash decision based on a colleague chatting you up - the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

Mary_Muddled

Thanks for your responses. I do love my husband, but because things have remained the same for so long, I don't think I'm in love with him any more, and even if he did suddenly get a sex drive and make advances left right and centre, I'm not sure how I'd feel about it. It's come to the point where I'm feeling resentful that he calls the shots in what happens physically in our relationship.

Just to add, I'm in my 30's and he wants a child (how!?), which we'll have to start planning soon if we want it to happen. I'm not sure if I want a baby, but I don't know if that's because of my feelings for him, and being stuck in the situation I'm in if we start a family.

Regarding the other guy, nothing is going to happen there, it just made me realise that I can't pretend I'm dead inside for the rest of my life.

Tiddlywinks

Without going into detail, is it a physical, mental or emotional issue that prevents your husband from 'performing'?

What treatment is available and what has he sought out?

He obviously sees a future together if he's talking of starting a family.

To be honest, he may well be feeling very much a failure about this as well... is he burying his head in the sand? Is he distancing himself a bit in order to make it easier to deal with?

Could you back track from where you are now and see if you can identify the key times when things changed? That might help moving forward.

Mary_Muddled

I think it's a mental/emotional issue. Things have never been great in that department, but we did have a bit of a sex life. As time has gone one, it's become less and less frequent to the point of non existence - it's been over a year since the last time things happened.

I have told him how unhappy I am which led him to see the doctor who referred him to psychosexual counselling - and the counsellor wanted us both to go to the sessions. We were given homework to do, which we did for a while before it petered out.

DH is absolutely burying his head in the sand. He's one of those guys who will happily go with the flow as long as he has a quiet life. The world could be falling down around him, but as long as nobody is upset or moaning, or saying he's done something wrong, he'll be happy.

wik

The day I called time on my marriage was when returning home from a hospital stay(on mainland) to find out my ex had sent my kids to my parents,which didn't bother me, what bothered me was finding an earring on my bedroom floor! And a recipt for a rather fancy assortment of food and drink (that wasn't in fridge to welcome me home!)

Tiddlywinks

Mary_Muddled wrote: »

I think it's a mental/emotional issue. Things have never been great in that department, but we did have a bit of a sex life. As time has gone one, it's become less and less frequent to the point of non existence - it's been over a year since the last time things happened.

I have told him how unhappy I am which led him to see the doctor who referred him to psychosexual counselling - and the counsellor wanted us both to go to the sessions. We were given homework to do, which we did for a while before it petered out.

DH is absolutely burying his head in the sand. He's one of those guys who will happily go with the flow as long as he has a quiet life. The world could be falling down around him, but as long as nobody is upset or moaning, or saying he's done something wrong, he'll be happy.

You say you 'think' the problem is 'mental/emotional' - that's not enough... you need to know... not think you know.

Why did you stop the counselling?

Nothing will change unless you both actively do something to make change happen - sorry if that sounds a bit 'new age', I don't mean it to.

I just don't understand how you've gone from being a couple in counselling (with homework) to still having a problem and where you are still unsure what the issues are... this is not a dig... it just really indicates a lack of communication about a really important issue.

Are you both off work tomorrow (today)? Grasp the nettle and raise the subject with your husband. Maybe go for a walk and raise it then... not in a finger pointing way but in a 'I really miss us being close, how can we sort it out' kind of way.

Raising stuff when out walking makes it less pressured and intense as you aren't just sitting looking at each other in silence.

I hope you can discuss it between you as it can't be sorted if you don't talk - that goes for any problem, doesn't it?

Mary_Muddled

Thanks for your post Tiddlywinks, it is definitely a mental/emotional issue - 'think' was the wrong choice of word on my part. My thoughts are very jumbled and I find it hard to put it down on paper/screen.

The reason we stopped counselling was due to our sessions running out - 6 were available on NHS and then I started a new job that I wasn't going to be able to take time off for. This counselling was around two years ago. He also did a group anxiety course after this but has never made any changes based on it.

All this was down to me saying I was unhappy and was thinking of leaving him unless he got some proper help. He sprung into action, but now he's ticked the box of going to counselling and doing the course, he's given up.

I'm not sure me saying 'I miss how close we were' will help if I'm honest. It's something I've tried in the past, but all I get met with is 'I know, I must try' but he never does.

Macca83_2

Mary, how is he with you? Does he tick the boxes everywhere else? The reason why I'm asking is perhaps he feels a wee bit insecure, if it's gotten to the point where sex isn't regular then it becomes a stumbling block. He becomes insecure at initiating sex even when he feels the urge.

Mary_Muddled

Hi Macca,

He doesn't have any urges. He's said so himself. He never initiates anything sexual. We're not even that affectionate any more.

Generally, he's a good man, he's very supportive of me and things I want to do, but he's a bit quieter than me. Doesn't go out much, doesn't have many friends of his own, plays a lot of playstation. He just doesn't seem to have a passion for anything really! I feel like we are more like good friends or brother and sister. I feel like I'm the one living our life, planning stuff for us, like saving to buy a house, studying to get a better job and more money, and he's just along for the ride.

We are becoming more and more distant. We have two living rooms and tend to stick to one each. We don't go to bed or get up at the same time, so there are no bedtime opportunities. We both like our own space I guess.

I did wonder if it was due to him smoking a LOT of weed when he was younger.... but if that's the case, nothing has been done about it. We've mentioned it to his doctor and the counsellor but they didn't attribute anything to this.