How do you know when to call time on marriage?

vodkachick68

I was in a similar situation to you OP. My husband and I slept in separate rooms for the last five years of our marriage as I just wasn't in love with him anymore and certainly didn't want a physical relationship with him. He admitted when we decided to call it a day that he also felt the same as me.
We tried so hard to work at our marriage but we were more like brother and sister in the end.

I certainly would not even contemplate having any children until you have fully sorted out all the issues in your relationship. You both need to try and work on the marriage and it will work if you both want it to.

I have been in another relationship now for 20 months and although my boyfriend is challenging I love him to bits and visa versa.

I wish you all the luck for the future and hope things work out for you:D

nickj_2

Mary_Muddled wrote: »

Thanks for your responses. I do love my husband, but because things have remained the same for so long, I don't think I'm in love with him any more, and even if he did suddenly get a sex drive and make advances left right and centre, I'm not sure how I'd feel about it. It's come to the point where I'm feeling resentful that he calls the shots in what happens physically in our relationship.

Just to add, I'm in my 30's and he wants a child (how!?), which we'll have to start planning soon if we want it to happen. I'm not sure if I want a baby, but I don't know if that's because of my feelings for him, and being stuck in the situation I'm in if we start a family.

Regarding the other guy, nothing is going to happen there, it just made me realise that I can't pretend I'm dead inside for the rest of my life.

8 years is not a long time , plus you've already said that you love him and then said you're not in love with him , all relationships have highs and lows , you only get out what you're prepared to put in to it ,

paulineb_2

Its long enough to be with someone and to be miserable, what is her husband putting into it?

nickj_2

paulineb wrote: »

Its long enough to be with someone and to be miserable, what is her husband putting into it?

either she loves him or she doesn't , if she doesn't move on , if she does then both of them have to work out a way to move forward , only they can do that

rachiibell

Good luck to you Mary Muddled. I hope everything works out for the best x

candygirl

Hope you can sort it hun?Has he had his testosterone l
evels checked ? X

Mary_Muddled

Hi All,

Thank you so much for your posts, it's been a strange day - like it hasn't sunk in yet but I guess that's because ordinarily we'd be doing our own thing in separate rooms so me spending time by myself now isn't much of a change.

So last night, I came to bed and he woke up and I ended up just blurting everything out. We spoke for several hours and then he went and sat in the living room whilst I stayed in the bedroom, just thinking about things. This morning, he came into the bedroom where he presented me with a list of 40 or so things he felt he needed to start doing or improve on. It just felt like too little, too late and too much change for one person.

I think this is the end for us, we seem to go through a cycle of me saying I'm unhappy, him making an effort for a bit and then slipping back into old ways, so I guess one day you have to say enough is enough?

My mum rang asking about Christmas visiting arrangements so I had to tell her and my parents have been very supportive, as have DH's parents. Both were very shocked though as we put on a front of being the perfect couple, but underneath, I was unhappy.

To answer some of your questions, my husband has had his testosterone levels checked, we've had viagra, counselling, anxiety support and we've talked extensively in the past, with me agreeing not to bring up sex and just be open to his advances, but he doesn't make any Whenever I did try to initiate anything in the past, he used to play dumb and not respond which would make things awkward and me feel rejected.

We're not particularly affectionate any more - I can't remember the last time we kissed and it was getting to the point where I was avoiding it because I was feeling resentful. He was withholding sex from me, so I was withholding affection from him, I guess. I don't think I was consciously doing it, I've just had a lot of time to think over the past day or so.

He came round to pick up his phone charger this afternoon and we had a cup of tea and a talk where he decided he was going to tell his parents

Errata wrote: »

There's an awful lot about what he doesn't do, but I can't see anything you've done / are doing to bring about change. Also, beware of works Xmas parties flirting and banter, it's usually a complete nonsense.

What sort of things should I be doing? I went to counselling with him, have backed off and let him initiated things, encouraged him to see the doctor, bought sexy underwear, tried to not think about sex and focus on the rest of the relationship. What else is there to do?

Also, I'm not reading too much into the attention from my colleague - I don't want anything to happen there and know it was drunken banter, but what it did do was make me realise that I can't spend another 40 or so years with things as they are, having to completely deaden a part of my life that most people enjoy.

With regard to 'do I love him', I feel like I love him as a best friend but am I in love with him? No, I don't think I am.

ValHaller

Mary_Muddled wrote: »

This morning, he came into the bedroom where he presented me with a list of 40 or so things he felt he needed to start doing or improve on. It just felt like too little, too late and too much change for one person.

There is a big contradiction in what you have written there. 40 things is a lot - for something like this, good progress on 3 might be a realistic expectation.

I would suggest asking for his list of 10 things you could start doing or improve on, which might yield some insight.

Mary_Muddled

ValHaller wrote: »

There is a big contradiction in what you have written there. 40 things is a lot - for something like this, good progress on 3 might be a realistic expectation.

I would suggest asking for his list of 10 things you could start doing or improve on, which might yield some insight.

Thanks Valhaller. I've asked him for this before, when I've wanted to discuss our relationship and he's only said that I should be tidier and less grumpy.

:embarasse

candygirl

There's no point flogging a dead horse hun