Gifts to return/pay for on 'break up'

lika_86

Macca83 wrote: »

But I think she is trying to do the right thing in returning the gifts without the need of a quiet word from mother.

Yes but the gifts issue could have been avoided entirely with a bit of forethought ie. 'I'm really not happy and want to end this, but it's my birthday this week and he'll be getting me a present, perhaps I should end this before then so he can save his time and money'.

Homeagain

ValHaller wrote: »

You would do better not to insist on anything. You are keeping her in the role of a child where she is told what to do and around adult issues like relationships she needs to know her own mind and feel confident to act accordingly - otherwise she will just end up being told what to do by boyfriends or partners or whatever.

Just give her a quick briefing on the nature of a gift and that the choice to return it or not is hers - above all that what ever she does in these circumstances is right.

You are so right, I don't mean to interfere with her decisions but I feel quite strongly about it and she did ask me for advice. (Over protective Mother moment I think).

krlyr

lika_86 wrote: »

Yes but the gifts issue could have been avoided entirely with a bit of forethought ie. 'I'm really not happy and want to end this, but it's my birthday this week and he'll be getting me a present, perhaps I should end this before then so he can save his time and money'.

But, perhaps, going by the below quote from OP, she felt guilty breaking up with him prior to her birthday because he'd kept going on about how much he'd spent? Maybe she'd been hoping her feelings would change over time?

At 17, she may not necessarily be the wisest in terms of relationships (not that some people are, many years on from that!) - it may have been a mistake to not break up with him when she had her doubts, but it's not really the crime of the century, and it was the boyfriend's choice to spend all that money on her. I'm not sure there is really a set rule about how soon before your birthday you should give it before deciding whether your uncertainty about a relationship should change, or an etiquette on how long after your birthday you should wait to dump someone if they've bought you nice gifts!

Homeagain wrote: »

... not a bad idea but then he can't return the perfume and is out of pocket. Having said that she now tells me he kept going on prior to her birthday about how hard he had to work to earn the money to pay for her presents. She did not demand that he spend all his money on her ... she's not like that.

swingaloo

I see a bit of both sides here. If she was clearly not going to stay with him long term, and, as she knew he was working hard to buy her the gifts it may have been nicer of her to break it off before her birthday rather than let him spend the money and then dump him.

Its not just about the money is it? He will have thought he was choosing something special and probably didn't expect to be dumped a few days later.

I'm not surprised he's being petty about it, his feelings are probably hurt and he's retaliating.

Gillyx

If he doesn't have the receipts he couldn't return them really so returning the gifts to him is useless.

That being said I think he is probably just hurting at the moment and there is nothing legally he can do about the gifts.

Macca83_2

lika_86 wrote: »

Yes but the gifts issue could have been avoided entirely with a bit of forethought ie. 'I'm really not happy and want to end this, but it's my birthday this week and he'll be getting me a present, perhaps I should end this before then so he can save his time and money'.

If she's thinking on the week of her birthday that this chap is not right for her then it's maybe too late to avoid the presents issue. The presents have probably already been bought.

Homeagain

lika_86 wrote: »

Morally your daughter shouldn't have accepted gifts if only a few days later she was going to break things off.

Whilst they were gifts, I doubt they would have been given had the poor boy known that she wasn't really happy with him.

I agree that you shouldn't give back all gifts from a relationship that has ended, but from this boy's point of view, her behaviour could be interpreted as exploitation.

You don't know whether the jewellery will be refundable if it's given back. I'd let your daughter do what she feels right as it's her behaviour that has caused this predicament.

Maybe have a word with her about thinking about other people in future and how her actions affect them and her.

I think you are being harsh - she is not the type to accept presents and then 'break off' the relationship. She did not ask him to buy the stuff and I really cannot see how you can refer to this as exploitation! I am offended by what you have said.

Soleil_lune

I must admit, that I didn't read the OP properly. I didn't notice the bit where the OP said that the daughter knew she had had enough of him JUST BEFORE her birthday.

Didn't realise that.

In that case, maybe she should have finished with him before.

Then again, he would probably have already bought the gifts and would still have complained.

Homeagain

Macca83 wrote: »

If she's thinking on the week of her birthday that this chap is not right for her then it's maybe too late to avoid the presents issue. The presents have probably already been bought.

The presents were bought long before her birthday, I do know that.

Soleil_lune

Homeagain wrote: »

I think you are being harsh - she is not the type to accept presents and then 'break off' the relationship. She did not ask him to buy the stuff and I really cannot see how you can refer to this as exploitation! I am offended by what you have said.

Don't mean to offend you homeagain, but how come your daughter didn't finish with her B/F before her birthday? Like weeks/several months before. I mean, she must have known that she wasn't happy with him. Mustn't she?