Gifts to return/pay for on 'break up'

azzabazza

His choice to spend the money. We all have to work hard to buy everything! An important life lesson for the lad.

Hermia

Homeagain wrote: »

... not a bad idea but then he can't return the perfume and is out of pocket. Having said that she now tells me he kept going on prior to her birthday about how hard he had to work to earn the money to pay for her presents. She did not demand that he spend all his money on her ... she's not like that.

She is well shot of him! Gifts should be given freely or not at all. Like her, I would have returned the unopened gifts as that sounds appropriate for a short relationship with someone that young. But, no way should he demand money and he should just write off the perfume.

Soleil_lune

Homeagain wrote: »

... not a bad idea but then he can't return the perfume and is out of pocket. Having said that she now tells me he kept going on prior to her birthday about how hard he had to work to earn the money to pay for her presents. She did not demand that he spend all his money on her ... she's not like that.

:eek: Sounds like she is WELL shot of this passive aggressive control-freak!

Getting out of a relationship with someone like this will go down in her life, as one of the best decisions she made.

Tell him to whistle for the money for the gifts. I would give him NOTHING, not the money for the perfume or anything. He chose to buy them, so if he is out of pocket, then that's his problem: serves him right for spending ludicrous amounts of money that he can't afford (supposedly) on a girl he's not been with for very long.

paulineb_2

Its really off that someone gives another person a gift and says I want it back. Its not thousands we are talking about here. When I was that age and with my first bf, he spent money on me, I spent money on him but when he broke up with me I didnt say, give me everything Ive given you back, that would be ridiculous.

They were gifts, she shouldnt have to feel she should need to return anything, what happens if she meets someone else who feels the same? Is she going to have to spend the next few years meeting people and wondering am I going to have to give presents back?

It might be the right thing to do morally, but this is a form of emotional blackmail and she really shouldnt be bullied by him into returning anything, it wasnt a loan, it was a birthday present, hes not really that sweet if he can behave like this is he?

ValHaller

Homeagain wrote: »

Thank you everyone for the advice. I think he is just hurt and a bit angry. I agree that she does not need to return anything but she feels bad. I think I will insist that she returns the jewellery and keeps the perfume because she has opened it. I won't allow her to pay him anything although I think she is going to insist that she pay for the perfume - will do my best to dissuade her but I don't think its right.

You would do better not to insist on anything. You are keeping her in the role of a child where she is told what to do and around adult issues like relationships she needs to know her own mind and feel confident to act accordingly - otherwise she will just end up being told what to do by boyfriends or partners or whatever.

Just give her a quick briefing on the nature of a gift and that the choice to return it or not is hers - above all that what ever she does in these circumstances is right.

lika_86

Morally your daughter shouldn't have accepted gifts if only a few days later she was going to break things off.

Whilst they were gifts, I doubt they would have been given had the poor boy known that she wasn't really happy with him.

I agree that you shouldn't give back all gifts from a relationship that has ended, but from this boy's point of view, her behaviour could be interpreted as exploitation.

You don't know whether the jewellery will be refundable if it's given back. I'd let your daughter do what she feels right as it's her behaviour that has caused this predicament.

Maybe have a word with her about thinking about other people in future and how her actions affect them and her.

Macca83_2

lika_86 wrote: »

Morally your daughter shouldn't have accepted gifts if only a few days later she was going to break things off.

Whilst they were gifts, I doubt they would have been given had the poor boy known that she wasn't really happy with him.

I agree that you shouldn't give back all gifts from a relationship that has ended, but from this boy's point of view, her behaviour could be interpreted as exploitation.

You don't know whether the jewellery will be refundable if it's given back. I'd let your daughter do what she feels right as it's her behaviour that has caused this predicament.

Maybe have a word with her about thinking about other people in future and how her actions affect them and her.

But I think she is trying to do the right thing in returning the gifts without the need of a quiet word from mother.

Homeagain

Soleil_lune wrote: »

If I was her, I would say 'see you in court.' Like hell is he entitled to the money back!

Maybe THIS woman can sort this out!

I love that show!

sweetilemon

What?! Hes mad! Life lesson for him, may save him money on a future divorce. TBH I think shes being overly generous in the first place, paying for the perfume is a step too far IMHO but no way should she pay for the lot! It was a gift not a downpayment! She seems like a nice girl and well shot!

Soleil_lune

paulineb wrote: »

Its really off that someone gives another person a gift and says I want it back. Its not thousands we are talking about here. When I was that age and with my first bf, he spent money on me, I spent money on him but when he broke up with me I didnt say, give me everything Ive given you back, that would be ridiculous.

They were gifts, she shouldnt have to feel she should need to return anything, what happens if she meets someone else who feels the same? Is she going to have to spend the next few years meeting people and wondering am I going to have to give presents back?

It might be the right thing to do morally, but this is a form of emotional blackmail and she really shouldnt be bullied by him into returning anything, it wasnt a loan, it was a birthday present, hes not really that sweet if he can behave like this is he?

I agree totally Pauline. However, I have known many men/boys demand back what they have bought during the course of a relationship, (or the money for it at least.) I have had it happen to me (when I was MUCH younger,) and I have known other girls and women have it happen to them.

Basically, as the OP said, it is because they are hurt, and they are trying to get back at them in some way, and they are angry that they spent money on them, and the girl/woman has thrown it back in their face. (as they see it.)

My best pal's daughter went out with a fella for about a year, and when she ended it (as he was very controlling and critical of her, and she had had enough,) all he did was blather on about how he had spend about 400 quid on her on gifts and clothes (stuff she didn't ask for, and clothes he picked and wanted her to wear!) He sent her a letter saying he wants the money back for all the stuff he had bought! She ignored it of course, and the girl's dad rang him and told him he was getting nothing.

The OP's daughter has done NOTHING wrong, she should not feet bad, and she certainly doesn't owe him anything.