family issues

Primrose

If your dad didn,t even know about the birth of your half sister I imagine the disclosure will have caused an enormous shock to both your parents as a trust issue, even althiugh they have been separates for a long time , as well as being a shock to your mum.

You could perhaps take your mum quietly to one side when you next have an opportunity and apologise for the huge earthquake you have inflicted on her and and let her know you understand what it must to have done to them. If she still won,t speak to you, write to her. You could perhaps infer it was possibly something you thought she would have singly, or they jointly would have decided never to discuss with you. Do tell your mum you understand how awful it must have been for all these years keeping that secret to herself and give her time to come to terms with it.

If you want to take contact with your HS further ask your mum whether it would hurt her to know about her now or whether it would give her any comfort to know that things had worked out well for her, which might relieve her guilt. I think this issue is as much as helping your mother come to terms with her hidden past as it is getting to know your HS if you eventually hope to have a happy outcome for all of you.

Bennifred

The OP's parents divorced 20 years ago, I believe.

markdebby

Some very harsh comments. It was not only the mothers secret as it was also the half sisters as well and she was the one to make the first move and made herself known.
Can't believe how some people jump on the bandwagon and bring people down.

Person_one

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

In this particular situation I would classify family members as "all and sundry". And I disagree with you, it most certainly is just the mother's business and she was the only person to be considered. It was her private business and the daughter should have kept her confidence rather than blabbing about it to people who had no right to such private information.

The OP was well aware that this subject was not one welcome for discussion. The mother was "caught out" apparently, so this indicates that the OP questioned/interrogated/badgered her more than once about it. Her mother's position was clear, so the OP should have kept her stupid trap shut and not discussed it with anyone. Not her sister and most certainly not her separated father.

I find it difficult to imagine a worse betrayal. And to one's own mother, too. It's bloody despicable in my view.

How could anyone forgive such a viper? I certainly wouldn't, especially my own flesh and blood.

This response is so completely over the top and irrationally angry that I'm wondering if this thread may have touched on a topic that's affected you personally and is sensitive/difficult for you B&T.

If that's the case, maybe best not to open it? After all, you're not helping the OP at all here.

mogwai

Not to derail the thread but just to state that I have reported BitterAndTwisted for the unprovoked insults to the OP. Keep your emotions out of it, OP is asking for advice not to be insulted. Some of your responses are vile, and not just in this thread either. I find too much aggression and cynicism in many of your posts.

OP I sympathise with your situation and I hope things are better with your mum. People make mistakes, the best thing to do is acknowledge them and make amends - maybe your mum would appreciate that..

mountainofdebt

I have to admit I wouldn't appreciate it if any child of mine confronted me over the phone about a subject this sensitive.

As it stands there's only a half (and that's being generous)story being told here.....the OP knows none of the circumstances of why the HS was given up which has probably had a huge bearing on the mum's reaction

Person_one

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I have to admit I wouldn't appreciate it if any child of mine confronted me over the phone about a subject this sensitive.

As it stands there's only a half (and that's being generous)story being told here.....the OP knows none of the circumstances of why the HS was given up which has probably had a huge bearing on the mum's reaction

Regardless of the circumstances though, this woman is the OP's sister. She has every right to meet her and make room in her life for her. She also has every right to confide in the people closest to her and receive support from them.

Yes,t his has all come about because of a decision made by the OP's mum, but the OP's mum is not the only one affected by that decision. She doesn't have veto rights, or a monopoly on the information anymore.

jazabelle

Wow, some really nasty responses. Sorry OP you've had such a difficult time.

To be honest if someone contacting me saying they were my half-sibling I'd be so shocked, I wouldn't start hypothesising at what could have happened, but just want to know the truth. I think anyone could be forgiven for asking some possibly clumsy questions, when your whole family dynamic has just been shaken to the core.

And then condemning her for speaking to her own father! I can't believe people are being so ridiculous and harsh.

wannaberichbtch

Hi Doublemummy, Having read this thread through I want to add that I think you have dealt with this situation in a mature and responsible way. If your mother has blocked you out for years previously, it is likely she will do so again in the future. Whether this situation will trigger that remains to be seen. I hope you take the opportunity of getting to know HS, and that you can build trust and friendship with her over time. How other people deal with this is their issue, not yours, you do not deserve to be emotionally blackmailed.

Gavin83

I'm actually surprised you wish to still speak to your mother after this, her attitude has been nothing short of disgusting. Had I been in the same situation I'd have been cutting her out of my life permanently. It doesn't really sound like she's been the most accommodating person in her life anyway and certainly not my definition of a great mum.

You did the absolute right thing in telling your sister. If you HS had been able to find you she'd have found your sister too at some point, had your sister found out you already knew it could have caused further problems. I'm not sure your dad needed to necessarily know but I can fully understand you needing to know if he'd have kept this from you.

I hope you continue to build a relationship with your HS as it seems you two are getting on well. It's important to remember this is in no way her fault.

To be honest it comes across that you almost see yourself as the black sheep of the family and a bit of an outsider. I'm thinking your fairly keen to pursue this relationship to fullfill something you've missed from your existing family.