family issues

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

double_mummy wrote: »

of course it had nothing to do with my dad that his daughter was upset. i dont know what sort of relationship you have with your parents but with my dad at least if my sister or i are upset we are encouraged to discuss things with him.

if i was upset because i found out his partner was cheating would you also advise that i not discuss it with him because it could hurt and upset him and because it his partners secret?

i know i would much rather my own kids to discuss with me something that they were upset about even if it then upset me. would you advise kids not to talk to their parents about being bullied because it would upset them?

if my mum would have told the truth when she was asked then i wouldnt have needed to catch her out. with the evidence in front of me i had to know whether this woman was actually related to me or not and the only way to do that was from her

Can you imagine telling your children that you've been raped? Or not telling them, but them finding out later that you gave birth as a result - and then telling everybody else about it, making you out to be the bad person for not wanting it to affect the rest of your life?

You just don't know if that's the case. You've focused on her denying it when confronted, rather than think of the reasons she might not want all and sundry knowing.


These days, someone in such a position would be more likely to have a termination. Fancy chatting about your anaesthetic free abortion experience with your kids, or having them criticise you and tell lots of people about it because they're upset you didn't share the details?

haras_nosirrah

Wow. What a load of judgemental people there are on this thread

Sox77

I agree there seems to have been a lot of harsh comments. I hope things are going well for you all now, I can understand your mums reaction a bit, but this person is related to you too so I think you're entitled to get to know her.

BitterAndTwisted

The OP was perfectly entitled to make a relationship with her half-sister if she chose. What she was not entitled to do was broadcast her own mother's private business to all and sundry when it became obvious the information about the half-sister's contact was not welcome news to her.

If anyone wants any tuition about how to completely destroy a relationship, this would be in the hand-guide as a perfect example.

(Text removed by MSE Forum Team)

Bennifred

All and Sundry? Family isn't all and sundry, surely?

If one of my siblings found out we had a half-sibling and didn't tell me I would be miffed, to say the least! And I think it is natural to want to know if one's father was part of the deception.

I understand that the OP's mother is shocked and possibly humiliated, but she isn't the only person to be considered, and it sounds as though she handles all falling out by ignoring people, as she has ignored her daughter (OP) on a previous occasion for several years. It is not just the mother's business.

BitterAndTwisted

In this particular situation I would classify family members as "all and sundry". And I disagree with you, it most certainly is just the mother's business and she was the only person to be considered. It was her private business and the daughter should have kept her confidence rather than blabbing about it to people who had no right to such private information.

The OP was well aware that this subject was not one welcome for discussion. The mother was "caught out" apparently, so this indicates that the OP questioned/interrogated/badgered her more than once about it. Her mother's position was clear (text removed by MSE Forum Team) Not her sister and most certainly not her separated father.

I find it difficult to imagine a worse betrayal. And to one's own mother, too. It's bloody despicable in my view.

How could anyone forgive such a viper? I certainly wouldn't, especially my own flesh and blood.

bellevie

I can understand the mum may not have wanted to be reminded, who knows the circumstances which lead her to her choice, or if she in fact even had a choice. Its the mothers choice not to say anything further on the matter and that should be respected.

If we were talking about anything else I would even say it was the mothers secret to keep.
But this isn't an object, or an affair, or mistake that doesn't hurt anyone else.
Its another human being (re the half sister) who deserves if she wants to, be able to reach out to her biological family, just as they had the right (sadly for her) to turn her away.

Its a huge thing to find out you have a brother/sister out there wanting to be part of your life. So I can also see the need for the OP want to talk to other people - I would have restricted it to the people I trust the most which for most of course will be family members. My first reaction would probably be to speak to my dad, without knowing the full story, it could have been a joint decision between them, OP wasn't to know that he knew nothing of this.

If OP had seen the sister in secret and been found out, her family would have had the initial shock of the 'truth' they have now, plus the mistrust that OP has also been keeping this secret from them. The mum wouldn't have spoken to her again regardless.

If OP has respected her full sisters & mums wishes not to bring it up, and keeps the relationship separate, its got to be the best possible outcome, though it is again sad that it has resulted in her being cut off - though as it has happened before I guess it is no surprise to the OP.

RE telling Dad, there was no marriage to end, he would have suffered the hurt/shock either way.

Alternatively - if OP had decided to have nothing to do with the sister - the question with her mum would have still been raised ie is this your daughter - and the mum ignoring daughter situation still would have happened - as it happened before contact continued. And family would have found out regardless - so not only would the same situation be happening, but the half sister would have been totally rejected by the whole family.

Its got to be hard for the half sister not knowing the what's or whys, and I imagine the same for the mum.

Unfortunately its just a situation that no matter what was done someone was always going to get hurt the second that message was sent.

It's not always the case, there are many happy reunions in life, it could have been so different. OP or half sister could not have possibly forseen events that were to unfold, again the danger of keeping secrets.

I certainly don't think that warrants the OP being told to 'shut her trap' ' place in hell' etc. There are people who intentionally go out to destroy lives, child abusers, violent partners, rapists- they deserve a place in hell. Asking the wrong question to the wrong person? No.

Hindsight is a great thing, I suspect if OP had known the outcome she may have tried a different route - though again from what has been posted I doubt that would have made any difference to the mother cutting her out.

Im not sure where this is at now OP, but I hope things are going as well as they can in the circumstances.

Bennifred

Sorry, BitterAndTwisted, we'll have to agree to disagree on this one!

SuzieSue

I can understand your point of view, but surely if the mother didn't want anyone to know, she could have asked the OP not to tell anyone. Instead, the mother just refused to speak about it which was wrong.


The mother was within her rights not to tell anyone if she didn't want to (I don't agree that the OP or the husband had a right to know) but once the OP had found out about her HS, then the mother could have dealt with it in a much better way.

RaspberryRipple

The whole point of this forum is for people to seek help, advice and support for whatever dilemma or problem they have and not be viciously attacked.... please keep to the spirit of what the forum is intended for BitterandTwisted.


(EDIT) I now see the MSE forum team have removed your vile comments in posts 45 and 47.