family issues

icklejulez

I think its easy for everyone to think of the feelings of your mum, but deep down these were her choices and its up to the mum to express her reasonings.


The HS had no choice in all of this, its extremely difficult growing up knowing your biological mum doesn't want you in your life and your HS appears to have done well for herself given the circumstances. I think its lovely for you to be building a relationship with your HS. I think despite your sister and mums reaction, you will have given your HS so much support and love by just being there.

mrcow

It's very controlling behaviour on your mother's part. Not speaking to your own daughter for four months as a way of punishment is very bizarre behaviour.

There could be 100 reasons why she put a child up for adoption.
Not one of them is your half sister's fault.
Not one of them is your fault.

What you are doing for your half sister is a wonderful thing. She was obviously desperate to find her family. You could have so easily have walked away from the situation. It's not as if you are rubbing your family's face in it. Hopefully you will go on to develop a longlasting, caring and supportive relationship.

double_mummy

mrcow wrote: »

It's very controlling behaviour on your mother's part. Not speaking to your own daughter for four months as a way of punishment is very bizarre behaviour.

this is nothing lol we didnt speak for years because she didnt approve of my OH

There could be 100 reasons why she put a child up for adoption.
Not one of them is your half sister's fault.
Not one of them is your fault.

exactly how im thinking

What you are doing for your half sister is a wonderful thing. thank you She was obviously desperate to find her family. You could have so easily have walked away from the situation. It's not as if you are rubbing your family's face in it. Hopefully you will go on to develop a longlasting, caring and supportive relationship.

thats what i hope to

on just a side note mrcow my LO is in my lap watching harry potter and now wont be quiet about cows

FatVonD

double_mummy wrote: »

can you elaborate on why you think its wrong for us to get involved? mum hasnt spoke to me since i first asked her about it all. i think she knows that i am talking to her probably through sister but she does not know that the kids know. personally i think she is more upset about being discovered rather than anything else

My mum is still deeply ashamed of what happened to her and no amount of saying that things are different nowadays or it's nothing to be ashamed about will ever make her feel any differently. It was the 50s when my mum was sent away to what she still calls 'a home for naughty girls' and she has carried the shame for 62 years.

In those (pre internet!) days girls/women had their children adopted believing that they wouldn't be traced, it was much, much later that the law was changed (and then only, I think, for adoptions after a certain date) and my mum would be absolutely devastated if she were to be traced and, though I don't think she should feel ashamed, you can't undo the damage that someone has carried with them for a lifetime. Those feelings are very real for her and I couldn't just dismiss them because people don't think like that any more so she should just get over it (and I know that's not what you're saying but my mum is an old lady and no amount of reasoning or logic is going to change her now.)

I can understand why you would want a relationship with your half sister but by establishing one against your mum's wishes you are forcing her to confront something that is painful for her and that she doesn't want to confront.

I hope I've managed to explain myself without it sounding like I'm having a go at you because I don't intend it to be that way, I TOTALLY understand why you want a relationship but I can also totally understand why your mum is upset

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

icklejulez wrote: »

I think its easy for everyone to think of the feelings of your mum, but deep down these were her choices and its up to the mum to express her reasonings.


The HS had no choice in all of this, its extremely difficult growing up knowing your biological mum doesn't want you in your life and your HS appears to have done well for herself given the circumstances. I think its lovely for you to be building a relationship with your HS. I think despite your sister and mums reaction, you will have given your HS so much support and love by just being there.

Suppose it depends upon the circumstances of the pregnancy. After all, not many women of any age would want to share with their children that they had been raped or the victim of incest, for example. But it would be entirely understandable if they couldn't bear to see a physical reminder of the experience being close to the children they actually chose to have.


Just as well that there is more access to contraception and terminations these days. Fewer women faced with the expectation to welcome an adult into their lives that they never wanted to exist in the first place.

BitterAndTwisted

What I find hard to understand is once you understood that your mother was unwilling to discuss this with you, you went ahead and broadcast her very private (and likely extremely painful) business to other members of your family, most especially your father.

I don't find it surprising in the least that she won't discuss this or anything else with you. It was her secret to keep and you betrayed it, and all for the sake of a stranger.

CH27

You have no idea what happened to your mum in the past & which she now has to face.She could have been raped or anything.

As lovely as it is you are forging a relationship with your HS, I do think your mum's feelings should be considered in all this & should be your priority above a stranger.

double_mummy

thanks fatvonD i understand where you are coming from but she has never asked me not to speak to her or anything like that once i got the truth out of her she hasnt said anything else to me if she had asked me not to talk to her again when i asked her then i wouldnt be talking to HS

i understand why she may not want to talk to HS or hear about her or anything like that - its her choice and i am happy to stick to that for her

bandt - i needed support and couldnt think of anyone better than my dad. she had lied to me until she got caught out and i was upset i wanted to know if my dad had known and had also not told me so i asked him. he has been really supportive so i am glad that i told him

CH27

double_mummy wrote: »

thanks fatvonD i understand where you are coming from but she has never asked me not to speak to her or anything like that once i got the truth out of her she hasnt said anything else to me if she had asked me not to talk to her again when i asked her then i wouldnt be talking to HS

i understand why she may not want to talk to HS or hear about her or anything like that - its her choice and i am happy to stick to that for her

bandt - i needed support and couldnt think of anyone better than my dad. she had lied to me until she got caught out and i was upset i wanted to know if my dad had known and had also not told me so i asked him. he has been really supportive so i am glad that i told him

But it wasn't your story to tell. You could have caused a lot of damage to your dad.

double_mummy

CH27 wrote: »

But it wasn't your story to tell. You could have caused a lot of damage to your dad.

so what would suggest that i should have done? had this bombshell hit me be lied to multiple times by my mum finally get the truth and then what......? not talk to anyone about it as it wasnt my secret to tell?

how could i have damaged my dad?