family issues

greenval

Nice to hear that things are going slowly but well. Everyone deals with stuff like this in their own way and their own timescale and you and HS seem to have found yours.
Good luck for the future and ignore those posters who have nothing constructive to offer.

Mojisola

double_mummy wrote: »

I talk to HS about once a week we are getting on well we have skyped a couple of times just us and chatted it seems like we have a lot in common loads of the same likes and dislikes we look quite alike which is strange but im getting more used to it and our daughters are like identical twins (both me and HS look like mum as do the girls). we are discussing meeting sometime over the summer as HS will be in my area for a couple of days for work

dad has been the most supportive person in the whole situation he has been absolutely amazing

overall i'm still adjusting to this new family mix some things are going great others not so good but i am still always worrying if there is something else about to come over the horizon i thought this sort of thing was for eastenders not for my life but now its happened im sort of stuck waiting for the next thing IYSWIM

A lot of us get on better with some relations than others.

It sounds as if you and your HS could become really close. Enjoy the relationships with her and your Dad. Give everyone else time to come round - or not.

Don't spoil the good times by worrying about things that might not happen!

Buick

I hope things go well with your half-sister, OP. It must have been a shock for your mum, but that's the trouble with having secrets. They have a nasty habit of coming out, and not always at a convenient time or place.

Refusing to speak to you on account that you have found out about an older sibling seems childish and very counter-productive, but I can understand she may not want the pain of seeing her. I just can't see how rejecting 2 of her daughters (as opposed to the one) is going to help her in any way.

meritaten

thanks for the update - its nice that you and your family are getting to know your half sister and her family. sounds like you have a lot in common.
Your mum is probably feeling awful at the moment. Shame, guilt, anger perhaps (as in why has she got to come along and spoil everything?), even maybe bad memories are plagueing her. I feel so sorry for her - but at the same time feel she is burying her head in the sand and hoping the problem will just go away.
I would write a real letter to her - telling her that she is your mum and you love her and the fact you have a HS does not in any way affect your feeling for her. but, you would like to understand how she feels and you cant do that unless she opens up to you. Promise not to judge and keep telling her that she is still YOUR mum.
She may be finding it difficult to face you - can you enlist dads help to reassure her too?
if she doesn't want to meet or know about HS - that's fair enough - in all this time she believed that the adoption was secret and the shock of being found is probably very stressful. its only be the people around her now showing that they aren't shocked or disgusted or angry with her that maybe she can feel more able to cope.
but, when all is said and done - YOU have a blood bond with HS - its up to the two of you how close a relationship you have with each other.

double_mummy

thanks everyone meritaten a letter sounds like a really good idea

dad talking to mum is not going to happen they have spoken twice since splitting up 20 odd years ago (once being my wedding)

yeah i think that i need to chill out a bit and stop worrying about anything more coming

we are both keeping things slow we don't want things to become to heavy to quickly

thanks for all the support and advice and encouragement

meritaten

oh sorry, double mummy - I didn't remember that dad and mum were estranged! you said that before didn't you?
of course he cant help there. I would wait for your sis to ask about HS. my guess is that curiosity will win out. she asked for a photo didn't she? I wouldn't say a word about HS............if she wants to know then she will have to ask!
bide your time - I bet she will ask.
good luck - but if mum and sis really don't want to know - it sounds like its their loss.

double_mummy

i have probably mentioned it before at some point lol

i don't really mind either way whether they become interested or not its up to them but would like to be able to talk to mum again have made a start on that letter to her but its getting late and all jumbled so going to work on it a bit more tomorrow

paulineb_2

Your mum is the one losing out here. Taking the issue with your sister aside (sister you have just found out about), shes not speaking to you, not responding to your texts. Thats sad. Yes it must be hard for her, but I bet its hard for your sister finding out that the mum who had her adopted doesnt even want to see her or keep in touch (and I appreciate these things come as a shock).

I have a brother, we dont share the same dad. As far as Im concerned hes my brother, I never refer to him as half brother and he calls me his sister. Different from your situation as we grew up together, but as far as I am concerned we are brother and sister.

Id keep the lines of communication open with your new sister and Id also try and keep them open with your mum as well, but if she was choosing to ignore you previous to your sister coming on the scene, well she may have issues not connected with this one.

Youve tried your best for everyone concerned, thats all you can do.

FatVonD

I have a HB that was adopted in similar circumstances, I only know about him as an uncle was threatening to tell 'everyone' when my aunt was divorcing him so my mum had to tell me first.

I've never met or tried to trace my HB even though I am really curious (he would be/is my only sibling) as it would destroy my mum.

This isn't going to be popular but I think it's wrong to go full steam ahead (including getting your children involved) against your mum's wishes and I can see why she's upset with you.

double_mummy

FatVonD wrote: »

This isn't going to be popular but I think it's wrong to go full steam ahead (including getting your children involved) against your mum's wishes and I can see why she's upset with you.

i think that if it had been that way around things would have been different and i probably would never have even looked for HS

after HS finding me i found the webpage she had set up the FB group and all these other attempts to find us i dont think after everything she went through to find me i could turn her away now

can you elaborate on why you think its wrong for us to get involved? mum hasnt spoke to me since i first asked her about it all. i think she knows that i am talking to her probably through sister but she does not know that the kids know. personally i think she is more upset about being discovered rather than anything else