family issues

double_mummy

okay to add to my soap opera of a life at the moment lol i have just found out that I have a half sister (further referred to as HS)

she is 8 years older than me was born out of wedlock which is why my mum put her up for adoption when she was born

my sister (the one i have known all my life) is a PITA but i love her dearly she doesnt want anything to do with this person my mum refuses to even discuss the matter.

so HS found me through social networking a messaged me randomly one night. i thought it was absolute carp until she sent me through her original birth certificate and adoption paperwork. all the details on the paper work matched my mum and her family. i called my mum (she lives quite a way away) and she said it was absolute rubbish until i started reading the paperwork to her at which point she said "f*** how did she get that?" and said it was true but that we will never discuss it again

i just dont know what to do i have talked to HS for about an hour just about general life stuff and some medically bits

i just dont know what to do now either about HS or my mum i have so many questions for her and she wont answer anything or even reply to a simple text or answer my phone calls HS wants to build a relationship and meet

aaaargh i just dont know none of my friends or family (well my sister has lol but shes refusing to discuss any of it as well have ever been through something similar so they are all at a bit of a loss of what to say to me but i just dont know how im feeling or how to go forwards anyone have any advice or experiences they could share with me?

UPDATED POST 11

pollypenny

Whatever you do, take it slowly!

No wonder your mum reacted as she did. The appearance of the baby she gave up must have come as a shock, so give her time. Single pregnant girls had a hard time of it up to the 70s, so she will need support.

I assume you have contact details for HS. Maybe the odd chat on the phone, without getting heavy, is the way to go.

ValHaller

If mum wants nothing to do with this, then leave her out of it. If you get on with HS and want to develop the relationship, then go ahead. But don't ever get yourself in the middle of mum wanting nothing to do with and HS wanting contact with your mum. Be straight with HS that you will not be a conduit to your mum.

meritaten

ok - I should imagine you gave your mum one hell of a shock! if HS has all these details then she was adopted quite some time ago - when adoptions were 'secret'. Give your mum some time and reassure her that it makes NO difference to your feelings for her! she may never want to see HS, but you have a right to see her and talk to her and build a relationship with her if you wish.
you don't have to discuss with mum if you keep in contact with HS. you are not being underhand - mum has told you not to talk about it.

Its been a shock to you too! but, you seem open to the 'idea' of a relationship. I see no harm in getting to know HS, even if no other member of the family wants to. Its your life, your relationships are frankly down to you not them.

double_mummy

thanks everyone

i have already told HS that mum has said that she doesnt want to talk about her and have told her i wont pass messages on unless mum asks me

i dont know if i get on with her lol i havent really spoke to her much past that initial conversation she has said that she will wait for me to contact her

yes it did happen when adoptions were secret the only thing that is making it difficult is that she lied until i made it so that she couldnt get out of it

none of my family will talk about it my dad is hurt and upset that she didnt talk to him about it (together for 10 years married for 8) and she never mentioned it to him it seems like the only people who knew were my grandparents who passed away years ago

i dont really know how to start a conversation with her

GobbledyGook

Something to bear in mind is that you have no idea of the circumstances around the adoption.

It could be that your Mum didn't want to give up her baby, but was pretty much forced too.

Equally you have no idea of the circumstances of her pregnancy. She could have been a young woman caught out, but it could also be the result of something unpleasant.

Either way it's obviously come as a huge bolt from the blue for your Mum. All her memories have been locked away and private for such a long time and then it exploded randomly from nowhere when she wasn't expecting it.

Also bear in mind that she could well have been shamed at the time. It was such a big deal, girls/woman were made to feel terrible. She'll have been made to feel like she was dirty and that she'd let her family down. They were often programmed to think the only way to redeem themselves was to give up their baby, forget about it (publicly anyway) and find a 'nice' man to marry who couldn't know about the baby because he'd not want to associate with a shameful woman.

Good luck.

meritaten

Even in the supposedly 'liberated' late seventies early eighties - it was only the young who were more broadminded. Older generations still clung to 'old fashioned' values.
in 1977, even though me and OH were engaged my mother greeted the news that I was pregnant with horror. without my knowledge, she met with OHs parents to discuss 'moving up the wedding date'! I dug my heels in and wouldn't budge - and got married as originally planned (at nearly seven months pregnant). mum was so shamed she didn't speak to me until after DD was born! poor dad was the 'go-between' and as he was 12 years older than mum I would have thought he would have been the more 'traditional', but he surprised me by being very supportive. and my nan was brilliant - she actually said to me 'you aint the first and you wont be the last'! she was really quite annoyed with mum!
I should imagine your mum went through similar or a lot worse (I know girls of my generation who got chucked out of home), and if she didn't want to, or couldn't marry the father, then she would have been pressured to give the baby up. I can understand she feels very conflicted emotions right now. Give her time and love and understanding. It is very hard for people not brought up in those times to understand the social 'stigma'. but believe me it was not pleasant.

mum2one

Its going to be hard, the first thing I would say is what do you want? not from a selfish point of view, ok the approach has been made, but you need to think long term.

At least you have said no to using me to get to mum - (sorry to put it blunt) then at least everyone knows the ground rules.

I would guess your 1st call, be emotional there be 1001 questions running around from both of you, the first few calls (if you do want to continue), will be like treading water, the first few calls may be like this, but its finding the common ground.

if you do meet up make it somewhere neutral for the both of you, a short visit so that there is no pressure on either of you.

Take time for yourself, its a lot to come to terms with, your make the right decision x

pollypenny

Don't be hard on your mum. She could have sent away to one of those horrible 'mother & baby homes' run by nuns.

She will have had a very hard time of it and I'm sure it will have been very hard to give up her baby.

Just give her time.

DigForVictory

Wow!
Um-congratulations are in order, I think, but also this HS is potential dynamite in the family mix as it stands.
Definitely exchange health info.

But in all other directions, take it very easy?

As your mum is in a state, and TBH I'd try to reassure her first. As brutally, the odds are you have the fewer years left with her. There is no way on earth she'll have parted with a baby easily, no matter how conceived. You get used to your onboard pal, and hormones march without regard for the other realities of the time. Go very easy on mum, and don't mention HS again if you can help it.

The sis you love & who is a PITA, and refuses to acknowledge HS - well, that's hardly surprising - sisters can take decades to appreciate. Plus, loyalty to mum. Let any relationship grow naturally.

The new and amazing, thunderflash-arrival? By all means stay in touch, & this is where pen & ink really help. You can consider what you want to say. What you send will have authority as the only written evidence of the other family she has. It's a bit formal, but it gives you time to think & now you know each other exist, you have your remaining lifetimes.

On balance, congratulations, but please handle with care!

double_mummy

thought i would pop back and give everyone and update now its been a couple of months

so full sister is refusing to discuss anything to do with HS - she asked to see a photo of her which i sent her but that has been about it - but we are speaking like normal again

i still haven't spoken to my mum she isn't replying to texts or answering phone calls she came down to pick up the kids for an arranged visit (sorted before HS thing came up) but she only said hi and was there anything with the kids she needed to know. every time i try to sort something out to see her in person she just doesn't reply

the mum situation is upsetting me the most still we didn't talk for a long time and had only had her back in my life for around 2 years and now she is gone again its really hard. i'm still upset about not being told at any point and that she tried to lie to cover it up but at the moment all i want to do is be able to talk to her.

I have now told my kids about HS and found out that she has a daughter a little bit younger than my youngest. kids know her by her name and have skyped with her and her daughter once to say hi. my niece is much more aware of the situation than my kids are she has always known that her granny is her mums mummy but that she came out of my mums tummy so is taking it a lot easier than my kids especially the big one is still rather confused about it all. he went through a big worry patch, if we were 30 seconds late to pick him up he thought we weren't coming he'd never really heard of adoption until that point but fingers crossed he is just coming out the end of it now.

I talk to HS about once a week we are getting on well we have skyped a couple of times just us and chatted it seems like we have a lot in common loads of the same likes and dislikes we look quite alike which is strange but im getting more used to it and our daughters are like identical twins (both me and HS look like mum as do the girls). we are discussing meeting sometime over the summer as HS will be in my area for a couple of days for work

dad has been the most supportive person in the whole situation he has been absolutely amazing

overall i'm still adjusting to this new family mix some things are going great others not so good but i am still always worrying if there is something else about to come over the horizon i thought this sort of thing was for eastenders not for my life but now its happened im sort of stuck waiting for the next thing IYSWIM