Nice People Thread Number 10 -the official residence of Nice People

PasturesNew

GDB2222 wrote: »

DD has been going out with a young man now for a month. He's a lovely guy, charming and intelligent. BUT, he was badly injured in a car accident 10 years ago, with some neural damage, and loss of use of his right side.

Should she be getting involved with him, and what would you advise her?

Could be several answers here.

WARNING: Not politically correct beyond this point.

Sometimes it can seem easier to 'get a disabled guy' if you're feeling a bit unable to pull a real corker. Less competition ... and you feel they're less likely to stray as less people will want them.

A month is no time at all .....

What's he like, what does he do for a living? Will he remain the same, or get worse?

I'd just leave it. You can't ban her anyway, so .... just leave it.

And/or, hire some hottie to hit on her to break them up if you're that bothered

lostinrates

PasturesNew wrote: »

Are they telling you what you can't eat, rather than what you can? You only need a half hour sit down with a so called 'professional' to be able to bash out a suitable/workable meal plan and food list.

That's the trouble with many 'professionals', they don't really help as they seem to assume their clients have as much knowledge as they have and can interpret what they say correctly.

Go bash them with a pie box!

No, I have a list of what I can eat. A lot of it though is stuff I know I can't eat for me regardless of this issue.......e.g. I'm having some hormonal issues. Pcos sufferers are always advised to eat - GI aware diet for example. Because its 'less important' than the other issues its been pushed aside but to me the impact when it isn't controlled is significant.

I was told to eat a piece of white bread or toast three times a day. (With other food if eating something else) .Its simply too much for me. I'm putting on more weight, which is easy with my docked metabolism, but hard to lose again, so I'm getting very stressed.

The stress alone is making stuff worse I think.

lostinrates

LydiaJ wrote: »

I would advise her to take things slowly, and not to make any decisions about anything in a hurry. .

DH and I ...

First date...I wasn't interested but thought he was sweet and didn't want to knock him back. For some reason I didn't think he was that confident.

Second date, he seemed less interested, which made me cross. He was interested.

Third date... Yeah well.

Fourth date holiday

Then moved in together. Sometimes hurrying is the right thing for people. He got his job in a similar rush.

For us decisions go quickly and then have long lulls in between of not hurrying and its the not hurrying that causes frustrations and problems. People just work differently

GDB2222

How old is she? How old is he?

27 and 30.


Does the relationship seem to be getting serious?

Yes.


How bad is the neural damage? What effects does it have?

After the accident, he spent 2 years in hospital! He limps badly, cannot use his right hand (although he's right handed), talks indistinctly. He's an architect, but not fully qualified, and he's having to use his left hand. His mother helped him set up his own company, but he's quite short of work. He's made amazing progress since the accident, but I don't think he's improving much any longer.


How disabling is the loss of use of his right side?
He can still drive, although apparently rather badly. (And this comes from my daughter, who once drove into the back of a bus!)


Encourage her to think about those things, and then let her make her own mind up about her own life.

Yes. She tends to fall in love rather too quickly, decide this is the one, then have second thoughts. She's done that a couple of times.


ETA I don't mean "think about those things" as a euphemism for "get put off by those things" but literally "think about what effect these things will have going forwards, and whether the whole package deal is what she wants or not" without prejudice as to the answer.

FWIW, I'd much rather my daughter was with somebody like that than with somebody who was irresponsible or unkind or something along those lines.

Yes, I totally agree. DW is putting the wind up me, with questions about whether he can father children, that sort of thing. How on earth do you find out?

And DW works with stroke survivors, so she has experience of exactly his type of injuries.

I really must apologise to all for whom this is a bit close to home, but I really could do with some advice. If I thought that there was no possibility of this working out, I would not be asking.

I absolutely agree that DD needs to go into this relationship with her eyes open, and sensible expectations.

LydiaJ

lostinrates wrote: »

DH and I ...

First date...I wasn't interested but thought he was sweet and didn't want to knock him back. For some reason I didn't think he was that confident.

Second date, he seemed less interested, which made me cross. He was interested.

Third date... Yeah well.

Fourth date holiday

Then moved in together. Sometimes hurrying is the right thing for people. He got his job in a similar rush.

For us decisions go quickly and then have long lulls in between of not hurrying and its the not hurrying that causes frustrations and problems. People just work differently

I do understand that. Making decisions quickly comes naturally to me too. And in the dim and distant past when I was single and actually meeting any men (in the late 1980s) I made decisions about men quickly too - got very serious very quickly more than once.

I am thrilled that it worked out so well for you and fir. I know at least one other couple who got serious very quickly for whom it's worked out well too. But, I think that's because you and they got lucky, and the person turned out to be a lovely person of good character.

It's not something I want to do again, or that I'd want my kids to do. I'm more cautious now I'm older, and I've ended up in the "you don't know anybody well enough to decide about them until you've known them over lots of time" camp. When I was young, I was of the "when you know, you know" persuasion. Now, looking back at my own relationships, I think "When you think you know quickly, you may well be mistaken."

lostinrates

GDB2222 wrote: »

How old is she? How old is he?

27 and 30.


Does the relationship seem to be getting serious?

Yes.


How bad is the neural damage? What effects does it have?

After the accident, he spent 2 years in hospital! He limps badly, cannot use his right hand (although he's right handed), talks indistinctly. He's an architect, but not fully qualified, and he's having to use his left hand. His mother helped him set up his own company, but he's quite short of work. He's made amazing progress since the accident, but I don't think he's improving much any longer.


How disabling is the loss of use of his right side?
He can still drive, although apparently rather badly. (And this comes from my daughter, who once drove into the back of a bus!)


Encourage her to think about those things, and then let her make her own mind up about her own life.

Yes. She tends to fall in love rather too quickly, decide this is the one, then have second thoughts. She's done that a couple of times.


ETA I don't mean "think about those things" as a euphemism for "get put off by those things" but literally "think about what effect these things will have going forwards, and whether the whole package deal is what she wants or not" without prejudice as to the answer.

FWIW, I'd much rather my daughter was with somebody like that than with somebody who was irresponsible or unkind or something along those lines.

Yes, I totally agree. DW is putting the wind up me, with questions about whether he can father children, that sort of thing. How on earth do you find out?
your daughter has to find out. (Or might have doen already. It would be HER business, her decision.
And DW works with stroke survivors, so she has experience of exactly his type of injuries.

I really must apologise to all for whom this is a bit close to home, but I really could do with some advice. If I thought that there was no possibility of this working out, I would not be asking.
you're a good dad, no apology needed.
I absolutely agree that DD needs to go into this relationship with her eyes open, and sensible expectations.

Yes, she should. But it is her relationship. Not her first relationship, so she has some experience of things not working out.

A month can be very serious or nothing. How long have her previous relationships lasted?


The career prospects are a bit bleak as you describe them. Does he have a private income? Is he getting no work? i have no idea how much is still done by hand, i have had one or two quick pencil sketches, everything else has been computer done based on the three d surveys we had done, s the right side weakness wouldn't be the career handicap one thinks of in that scenario, as it might be with the image of architects and rulers and pencils......


Are your daughters career prospects good?

LydiaJ

GDB2222 wrote: »

Yes, I totally agree. DW is putting the wind up me, with questions about whether he can father children, that sort of thing. How on earth do you find out? .

You don't. She can, by asking him if he's any reason to believe that the accident would have affected that. It seems unlikely to be a problem me. If he's capable of sex, he's probably no more or less likely to be fertile than any other man his age.

You're within your rights as parents to make sure she's aware that that's something for her to consider, but beyond that it's their private business, I'm afraid.

This letting go of one's children is hard, isn't it? I'm only at the beginning of it, but I can see where the road is leading.

Generali

GDB2222 wrote: »

DD has been going out with a young man now for a month. He's a lovely guy, charming and intelligent. BUT, he was badly injured in a car accident 10 years ago, with some neural damage, and loss of use of his right side.

Should she be getting involved with him, and what would you advise her?

I'd be staying well out of it TBH. There's nothing but aggro to be had from involving yourself in another's relationships. If you barge in there's as good a chance that you'll push them together as anything else.

silvercar

Yes. She tends to fall in love rather too quickly, decide this is the one, then have second thoughts. She's done that a couple of times.

My relationship timescales generally meant it took a few months to realise that people were not for me, give her some space and don't comment would be my advice.

She is not stupid and not very young, so I'm sure she will work out the need to find out if he can father children or not for herself. Though I must admit, in my younger days, I would have thought that if kids don't happen for me, I wouldn't be terribly upset. Whereas in hindsight, I would have been more upset than I thought I would.

silvercar

Parent driving me up the wall, trying to play mind games. I don't want to play, in fact I don't really want to go near at the moment.

OH now doesn't engage with her at all.

I'm aware that she is still suffering the loss of Dad and has health issues (painful but not life threatening) but her behaviour really is unacceptable.