Lilt and Jellytots most excellent adventure...

liltdiddylilt

Hellloooo! Don't tempt me. Him is talking himself into being roasted and served as dinner for a few blummin weeks. Mushrooms included!

Suppose I should update for clarity on that situation. Where did I get to? Oh yes, him moving out in January for real, me not being particularly cut up over it, him panicking and telling me he wants back in, me telling him to shove it. Ah the last part is only in my head. I thought of Jellytot, and of England. I told him we could work at it, but he was not moving back in. This still stands. Frankly, his pitiful earnings would bring in half of the extra money I have had coming my way since he has been gone. And he never gave me any of his money anyway except for the odd takeaway! That sounds mercenary and 'benefits street-y' but I work hard, he does not. And if he came back, his 4 hours a week would reduce my tax credits by £2700. Most of which is paid directly to Jellytots nursery fees. That wouldn't apply because he doesn't work 16 hours per week. Or month He resents me kicking him out weekly to his mums. She is an £8 half an hour train journey away from here and work. He usually works 1-2 days per week and 1 of those he is usually driven by his dad... But he moans and complains. It's too much train fare, it's too long a journey. It's depressing. My attitude is, well get a decent job then sunshine. His response: but then I won't get all this time off... *fumes hard*

His idea to 'fix it' is to move into a cheap flat nearby. And have the council pick up the bill for 99% of his rent and council tax. I dutifully do the maths for him on a benefits calculator. He then realises that he has to pay for gas, electric, tv license, food, broadband etc. And decides it will cost too much.

Solution number 2? Benefit fraud. He will just stay here anyway, whilst I go to work, earn, pay for everything, and get benefits for being a single mum of a child in daycare 1.5 days per week. That is against every principal and value I have. Furthermore I cannot believe he would be so stupid as to suggest it. Even speaking it out loud makes me feel scared that I am going to be prosecuted for THINKING it.

This aside, we actually get on a lot better. Things are easier and more fun. I enjoy the time apart though. Jellytot gets the best of every world as he does more to spend his limited time with her doing stuff she enjoys. They actually go out! This makes me very happy.

I did a tonne more batch cooking today. I made everything from scratch with ingredients rather than with packet mixes and jars. I was surprised by how easy it is. I've now added an extra batch of hunters chicken stew, a huge chilli con carne and a sausage casserole to the mix!

I joined NSK's July challenge. To force me to be a bit better at everything. I am being wasteful, with money, food and time. Time to get that in check.

Hugs to all. xx

hohum

Lilt, I had the mother of all fire alarms ringing in my head reading that post!

All that stuff about not working, benefit fraud and apparently believing he is owed a living...could have been my ex talking. When we split, he owed my family money but they decided that was the price of him not being in our lives any more. So the following is informed by that relationship experience:

I understand that him not being in your life anymore is not an option...but you know what? It is not your job to fix his situation. He made his choices and he takes the consequences. I suspect you may have to get REALLY clear with him about not moving back in and where your relationship is at because it sounds to me like he's throwing out any option that will enable him to have his primary objective, which is an easy life on his terms. I don't believe for a second he was seriously considering a flat of his own. You don't sound mercenary, you sound like you're not going to be emotionally blackmailed by him anymore.

It sounds to me like he is more motivated by having things back to how they were not because of devotion to you and jellytot, but because that is what is easier for him. And you deserve better than that.

Again all the above coloured by personal experience so your mileage may vary with it. But seriously. He needs to do the damn sums for his own life!

lobbyludd

I too have a not unbiased view. a) my parents stayed together "for the sake of the children", it was utterly miserable, caused a ton of damage and I was actively happy when they finally divorced. and b) my children have a much better relationship with their dad now he only sees them for a limited amount (he can occaisionally do them-focussed stuff, and is better able to give attention to them).

before anyone gets upset - this isn't a comment on "men" it's a comment on parents/partners who have a limited capacity to give in a traditional way and finding whatever works best.

If you are able to have a fulfiiling adult relationship with him as long as he doesn't live with you, then there's no law saying he has to live with you - if it works great. But if it doesn't, please don't bury your needs for Jellytot's sake, because then you, as her primary role model, is demonstrating that for relationships to work one partner (in this case a woman) has to subjugate their needs in order to prop up the selfishness of another: not great.

kids subconciously understand the reality rather than the "on the surface" even if they don't realise that consiously - and they repeat those patterns.

but enough of my blathering - I have RUN OUT OF COFFEE.

and therefore will be going shopping, and no I can't have cheap coffee either, although aldees fair trade is drinkable.

thank you for saying my cooking has inspired you, anyone who has tasted my cooking would definitely not agree

liltdiddylilt

Hello all. lobbyludd & hohum thank you for your concern and for sharing your situations. I can relate to both of your posts and you have both hit several nails on the proverbial.

I know this isn't perfect. And looking in, anyone can see that I am not a weak individual. I am centred, and I have my head on straight. I'm not by any means a stupid person. Yet I read back through what this diary shows I have gone through in recent months, and wonder what the heck I am putting myself through, and why.

I could list things a mile long that are wrong. And not a whole bunch that are right at this moment in time. Today I tried to do something pro-active. I spent my tiny lunch break researching the cheapest ways for him to get his train fares. I found a loophole that would have dropped £16 of fares, to £9.10. I called him about it, and got no reply. I called my home phone, thinking that although he wouldn't pick it up, he would check his mobile. Still nothing. I rang the mobile again 10 minutes later and then went on what$app. He had been on, between mobile calls, chatting to his friends, but had neither messaged me nor called back. I left a message along the lines of, 'tried to call on both phones, can you give me a call when you get a chance please, i can see you've been on here between my calls..'

Eventually I got a call. I answered with a bright and happy 'hello' and received 'WHAT?!' - I asked what the attitude was for and he went off on one about how he was busy and I had been 'spamming the phones, so what do you want that is so urgent?' I said don't worry about it and hung up, only for a torrent of abuse to be instantly 'spammed' at me on what$app. I was called rude things. 'Yay for being a C***' was his last message. My response to it all was 'Yay' - he went off again about how he had delayed his lunch to call me back etc etc. (Oh I am sorry, I used most of mine on research for you and calling you!) and again asked me what I wanted that was so urgent. I said I thought he was avoiding the phones due to his mums usual phone call, not because he was busy. And since he was on messenger but didn't message me to say he was busy I didn't know. I explained I had a small lunch break and wanted a chat and to tell him about train fares but it wasn't urgent. And finished with, I'm back at work now, I will be home at 20 to 6. I then turned my phone off. It was about the closest I have come to telling him to pack up his stuff and go. I can't keep living in a world where everything is my fault.

When I eventually turned my phone back on, I had endless apologies spammed. He realised he was being a 'p****' and his stress was to do with jellytot taking things out of the cupboards, and he was avoiding his mums call, etc etc. I can't forgive that easily today. That is what he expects and it isn't happening.

Since I got home, I have spoken to him twice to confirm things. I have avoided him, spent time with jellytot before she had a bath and bed done by him, and cooked/reheated food whilst he was doing so. I ate in silence, borrowed Jellys bathwater and then came to my lovely calming bedroom. He is now not speaking to me because I am not speaking to him and frankly I am too worn down from his exploits this week to care. I cannot wait for him to go home tomorrow.

I can only sum up the reason I still try, in this. I am hoping to figure it all out and leave my family intact. I'm battered, but not broken yet.

Eager_Elephant

Hi lilt

I have been a lurker for a while (not even sure where I found you)

Just wanted to say that I think you are doing great in regard to your daughter's father but I think you are leaving yourself open to accusations of benefit fraud - which I know you would not mean to do.

I work closely with benefit fraud teams and everything you have talked about would make them class you as living together.

I think you need to keep a more personal diary of what happens every day, such as him staying over to have your daughter and when he goes to his mum's etc.

Does he have any post coming to yours? Is his name on any bills (excluding tenancy)? What address do his work have for him?
Where does he sleep when he stays at yours?

Do people still see you as a couple? Do you do family things together? Do you eat together?

There is a fine line between being a couple living together and just being a couple who don't live together.

The old 'rule' about as long as he does not stay more than 3 nights has never actually applied - it is the questions above that determine whether you are deemed a couple.

Tax Credits take a different tack - if you make a single claim due to a relationship breakdown they allow 3-6mths for his credit file to show no bills/debts or credit applications (inc car insurance/payday loans etc) at your address. After this you are fair game for the letter asking for proof he does not live there - and although you might think he has proof Tax Credits are very strict in what they accept and him 'living' with his mother is not good enough proof - could he take on his own tenancy and if he only does 4 hrs a week claim JSA to top up his earnings (of course he would have to look for work and meet the criteria).

Sorry if this sounds harsh but I have met numerous women in your situation and they honestly did not see they were doing wrong until I pointed it all out when they came to me with a bills for thousands.

One of the worst ones was a lady who had been in an on/off relationship with a man for over 5 years, he had his own place but when they finally seperated and she started living with a woman he got annoyed and contacted Fraud at the local council and said he had lived there for 5 years - there was no evidence (no utility bills, nothing on his credit file) only his word against hers and they took his even though he was a criminal. Unfortunately I saw her 2 years after it happened so it was too late to appeal and she was having to pay back £14k!! (beware of vindictive ex's)

If you have any questions you can PM me if you want.

liltdiddylilt

Hi eager elephant! Thank you for your input! I will show him this post because I have done all of the above things. He has a change of clothes and a pair of trainers at mine - he stays weds and thurs night only each week so that he doesn't have to spend an extra £17.40 on trains those 2 days. All of his bank statements, work stuff, dentist etc is at his mums as of the 2nd December when I sent him home. He pops in and out around his working hours during the week for a couple of hours or even just 30-40 mins while waiting for a train so he can see Jelly. My friends do that too, and my parents come and stay in a hotel every 6 weeks or so and spend pretty much every minute at mine, cooking and cleaning and helping with jellytot. I wonder where lines begin and end sometimes with everyone. I am not committing benefit fraud. My anger was his suggestion that I had already put all of the above measures in place so he could just stay anyway and they wouldn't know the difference. Needless to say he went home last night same as usual!

Eager_Elephant

Hi Lilt

Thanks for taking my post in the spirit it was intended - I'm glad you have put all the measures in place.

Him popping in and out is not likely to be a problem, as you say other family members do it all the time.

I just worry sometimes about people - as you say the lines are not clear and that is the problem. The Fraud people for the DWP, Local Council, Tax Credits all like to assume the worst and unless there is something in black and white it's their decision at the end of the day.

And as for the amount of vindictive neighbours/'friends' I know of - when I used to answer the 'fraud hotline' for the council I worked at (i now work for a charity) the amount of people who started with 'I just want to report my best friend/friend .....'
It pays not to be too up front with people!!

I did see the anger you had with him for suggesting it - fancy only wanting to work for 4hrs a week. I quite like the idea of having time to myself but what money would I live on?

supersaver1000

Hi Lilt. Just wanted to say Hi. I have been following your journey too and you really are doing great. Jelly looks gorgeous, my DD is 14 going on 15 and she is a joy to have around as DH works away.
Keep up the fantastic job - I am in awe! :T

lobbyludd

thanks for the recipe lilt shall try it whilst the monsters are running their grandparents ragged and report back.....

liltdiddylilt

Hi Supersaver.

Thank you so much for popping in. I meant to come back on here yesterday & today to talk to folks and update but I got waylaid by small children, public transport disasters & parties, not to mention the fall out from all of the above, jellytot getting me up at 6am! I am SO tired today. Bedtime shortly!

Thanks for saying I am doing great. I look through these pages sometimes just to see if I have actually got past square one. Doesn't feel like it most of the time, but I have come a long way from September when Him decided his plans for the future and crashed and burned mine.

A 14/15 year old. I heard they were nightmares to live with, so you must be a brilliant mum and doing very well to get joy out of her at that age. I was a horror and I fully expect Jelly to be since she appears to have my temper, stubbornness etc!

This weekend was the party of the year. My bestie 2 year old (2 today!!) had his party yesterday. The weather pretty much held out all day until hometime when it tipped it down. There was a brilliant homemade dinosaur cake, a ball pit, a paddling pool, tonnes of jelly, barbecue food, and great company!

Thought I would share this pic of Jellytot & James the birthday boy with you. Love them to pieces!

It wasn't all plain sailing though. We got an early train (usually 28 minute journey) so that I could meet MIL for a coffee before the party as they live nearby to my friend. The train only went 1 stop, and the rest of the way was by bus. Jellytot was pulling some serious faces on the bus all the way there and I was on mummy red alert. I could literally see the sick rising. She doesn't travel well.

Sure enough, with about 10 minutes journey time to go, her face gave it away and I ran for her. I cupped my hand under her chin just as she started to fountain (sorry for TMI). The bus driver heard my war cry, and turned around and asked if I was 'alright love?!' - He promptly passed me a huge industrial wad of blue tissue, a bin liner bag, and even offered baby wipes. All this whilst driving. My hero! - Jelly continued to pour but I caught most of it. Just her cardigan, t shirt and vest got it a little. Luckily I am a VERY prepared mummy and had dressed her in travelling clothes. She had a spare change x2 in the bag on top of the party dress! We get about 5 minutes away from our destination and I asked the driver if he could illegally let me and jellytot off the bus. He is only allowed to let people off at the train stations along the way, but he was fantastic. If we had continued, on a winding one way system jelly would have been more sick for sure. As it was, by the time I had called her nan and had her meet us somewhere different, she was perky, and I was able to strip her on some steps, wipe her down and give her some juice and then get her dressed again. Phew!

Went for a lovely coffee. Got changed myself into the new clothes I bought on the way there! From Mr S. A top £6 and a cardigan £11. Both half price (that was the half price price) - Unfortunately, the top went in the wash this morning, precisely as ordered, 40 degrees, no bells and whistles etc. It came out half the length and twice the width. No amount of pulling will fix it, so tomorrow it is going back! £6 saved and a new top worn once for free

Party was lovely but all day I was worrying about the return journey. There was the precise same journey in reverse to look forward to. I knew jellytot wouldn't cope. It must have been written all over my face as my friends parents offered to bring me home. SO lovely. I almost cried. Jelly slept on the way back. A 45 minute journey was turned into 20 minutes by car, and it was such a relief to get home in one piece! I can't thank them enough so will be sending a card and a present!

Not much else to report. Due to excitement the small got me up at 6am. She crashed on the floor at 1:20pm and slept until I woke her at 3:20 dreading bedtime. She was so grumpy I brought her back to my room and she was almost instantly asleep on the bed. So I snuggled in and we had another half an hour. I paid for it by her still being awake as of 10 minutes ago when usual bedtime is between 6:30 and 7!

We have Skyped daddy and nan & grumps. We have also facetimed nanny & go-go (my parents) so everyone is happy.

Remind me to tell you the ham story tomorrow.

NIght peeps!! xx