Access for grandparents - conditions?

ValHaller

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

ExMIL would meet somewhere neutral, but ex FIL wont.

I've already agreed to go to their house so can't really change it. Maybe these are things i need to discuss with them when we go

Thanks!

Of course you can change it. The loss of face by changing your mind on this is nothing compared to the potential consequences of making a wrong judgement by going to their house.

Caroline_a

Just read your OP again. It really does seem as if you are doing all the running around to facilitate this. That's fine if they are putting effort in to see your daughter. But... they really have done nothing for most of her life. So you have to ask yourself why your daughter needs to be involved with people who won't go out of their way to meet her - and I include her father in this.

I would stop trying to force something that may not be there.

cazpumpkin

Exactly what Person One has said.


At the moment your ex is not complying with access requirements hence his has been thus far denied.


Grandparents not wanting to get involved that's their problem and loss.


If they do want to see their granddaughter have them visit YOU at your house until the whole access with your ex thing is sorted out. Firstly you shouldn't have to ferry your daughter over there, it is their job to get over to you.


Grandad wont leave the house/granddad doesn't like you/granddad & grandma have no transport...well tough titty to both of them. You have generously offered them access its down to them to take that offer up or not.


You just tell them they can come and visit you when theyre able and that you will be present during this visit until the access dispute with ex is sorted out


As for ex until he provides a proper address and can keep your daughter safe keep denying him access.


However if he does sort himself out and wants to see his child and your daughter does go over there for the weekend then you wont have any control really over what they all get up to, if he wants to take her to mcdonalds for the day or to visit the grandparents then as the other parent of the child he has every right to not be so tightly controlled during his access visits.


There will come a time when your daughter may go over there for the weekend and your ex might have a new girlfriend and you will have to deal with it.


But trying to arrange access between you and the grandparents directly, bypassing the ex wont work, their loyalties lie with their son not you. Yes your daughter loses out in the meantime but thast not your fault its theirs.


You need to set the tone for the years to come right now.


You have my sympathy I had identical circumstances to you and I kept firm , my ex husband had to man up and toe the line and he was very bad at access even when everything had been ironed out , he would stand her up for weeks then swan back in, he would say he preferred his other new children to her, he was a right git. His parents slagged me off at every opportunity. It got to the point during her teenage years when she hardly wanted to se eher dad at all and I couldn't blame her so I didn't insist. I never said a bad word about her dad but when she actively didn't want to go I didn't force her. he also held that against her for years. Long story short, my daughter is 22 now, she does see her dad, they get on ok, but she doesn't need me to tell her he is a total jerk and a loser she isn't stupid, some days she tells me what a good time they've had other days she is crying over his idiocy, I always keep my mouth shut , at the end of the day he is her dad even if he has been a useless one. But like othe rpeople have said you need to iron things out with dad first and tell the grandparents you would love them to come and visit you but until things are sorted out with their son it has to be at your house and hopefully it can be at their house once the access with the ex is sorte dout.


if they have a cow/meltdown/tantrum tell them tough luck that's the way its going to be ...if they say you've changed your tune/mind/opinion since earlier this week, say you've had advice from your solicitor. End of. Good luck

cazpumpkin

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

ExMIL would meet somewhere neutral, but ex FIL wont.

I've already agreed to go to their house so can't really change it. Maybe these are things i need to discuss with them when we go

Thanks!

NOPE ... you CAN change your mind!!!!!! jesus youre her mother!!!




you phone them up and say exactly that "I have changed my mind" if they say that's not fair or why then you don't have to explain or justify yourself, you can blame an imaginary solicitor or whatever excuse you want if you must give an excuse


you musnt let them have th e power and control , you are the primary caregiver not them, your in charge

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

cazpumpkin wrote: »

However if he does sort himself out and wants to see his child and your daughter does go over there for the weekend then you wont have any control really over what they all get up to, if he wants to take her to mcdonalds for the day or to visit the grandparents then as the other parent of the child he has every right to not be so tightly controlled during his access visits.


There will come a time when your daughter may go over there for the weekend and your ex might have a new girlfriend and you will have to deal with it.

Ah that really doesnt bother me lol He got married about 2 years ago and they've had two kids now. DD wasnt invited / aware of the wedding, nor the children. She knows he has had kids now, but doesnt know them as "siblings"

I dont mind him taking DD out - but its more of a base address i was told i needed. For example, if she is sleeping over, where? His house (with address) oir his mums. Obv i dont need to know where she is all the time

unholyangel

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

ExMIL would meet somewhere neutral, but ex FIL wont.

I've already agreed to go to their house so can't really change it. Maybe these are things i need to discuss with them when we go

Thanks!

You could just explain that your daughter will be more comfortable meeting in a neutral area compared to going to a strangers house and that you think it will help them bond faster and that you're only trying to do whats best for her. You understand they're her family but they haven't had the chance to develop a relationship yet so to her, they're strangers. I don't really see how they can argue them being inconvenienced is more important than your daughter or their relationship with her.

And cant remember who said it (apologies!) but as for it being the fathers responsibility....sometimes you just have to push aside who's supposed to be doing what and get on with things for the sake of the kids. Because if you wait on the other person, chances are it'll never happen.

cazpumpkin

Lets hope its all sorted out soon because those new children of his are your daughters half brothers and sisters and she needs a relationship with them as well.

Idle_Jim

Hi there

Echoing what others have already said:

You need to keep control for your daughter's sake. It sounds like your ex is (or has the potential to be) a nasty piece of work.

You are within your rights to insist access (for both the father and your in laws) is granted on your terms. It's up to them to decide whether to play ball or not. In your shoes I would insist any visits are at your home or somewhere neutral; and supervised by you.

Why risk something bad happening by going along with their (unreasonable?) demands?

If he's a controlling type then he is likely using his parents to try and control you. A firm stand now with, hopefully the support of your family and friends (as well as a good few MSE'ers) will go a long way to ensuring stability for you and your daughter in the longer term.

Good luck
Jim

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

Thought I would give you all an update on what happened:

On Thursday DD1 got rather upset at school and told the teacher that she didnt want to go to grandparents HOUSE but that she was happy to meet the grandparents

I was informed at home time of this

SO - I asked if we could meet somewhere else, where DD1 was more comfortable with... and was met with a point blank "no - she has to come here" (No reason given why?? I assume its because Ex-FIL wouldnt go somewhere else)

This resulted in too-ing and fro-ing and eventually I said that if they weren't willing to co-operate and meet a middle ground then we would not be going. I then got a full load of abuse. I didnt retaliate and just said that I would get some school pictures printed and have them sent to them. The last thing that said was that they were writing DD1 a letter to explain that it was my fault they never saw her when she was younger and that they "will always be there" for her, despite what i say (Nice of them eh!)

Obv. I havent mentioned any of this to DD1 - I just said that I had told them we wasnt going to their house and we went out to a play centre instead.

Still havent had a letter from them - I am however, waiting for ex to go to solicitors about it (no doubt his father will push him into dragging me through courts instead of sorting it ammicabley)

Oh well.... Thanks any way for the replies everyone!

Caroline_a

Well done you for standing your ground!