Access for grandparents - conditions?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

My eldest DD1 (Just turned 6) has not had any substantial contact with her father or his family for around 4-5 years now. I’ve tried to get them to see DD1 in the past but they have alwaysrefused.

Ex MIL said in the past that she would like to see DD1 but as her son doesn’t see her, then neither will she. Anyway, I added her on FB so she could keep up to date with DD1 (This was around 3 weeks ago) and ExMIL has decided she would now like to see DD1 (Which is fine)

I’ve spoken to my solicitor (Who originally tried to sort access with ex) and she has said to draw something up for access and to make some “conditions” (Such as, ex MIL is responsible for DD during access and is not to give DD to her son)

Essentially – I want DD to go once a month to EXMIL’s (Supervised by me to begin with, then on her own) but I don’t want ex to be left alone with DD1 if he is there (He’s threatened to take DD1 in the past and has so far refused to give a “base address” for where DD1 will be so on solicitors advice, access stopped and despite me asking him to give an address, or even visit her at my house, he refuses)

Solicitor said she will talk to me at our appointment to draft a letter but said to go in with a few ideas... I’ve no idea what “conditions”there should be (Other than – keep her safe!)
The other thing is, they live nearish (about 20 minutes drive) but have said that i need to take DD to them as they sold their car and won’t be replacing it. Is that normal?! I had assumed that, after the “supervised”contact was done with that they would come and collect DD?

P.S I'm not trying to stop ex by seeing DD at all - I'd really like him to have his own access but on a seperate day so DD1 isnt seeing a million and one people in the short space that the ex's family will have with her. I;d rather they had seperate days so they could have quality time to spend with her. But equally, i dont want ex MIL to organise this, tell me its "for her" but then hand DD1 over to her father without me knowing roughly where she is (We both have PR) and although i know he COULD take her, I'm trying to prevent that from happening (Does that make sense?)

Thanks

BitterAndTwisted

If you are concerned that MIL will allow your ex to have unsupervised contact with your child and you don't want that to happen, then I would only allow MIL to visit in your own home and not for the child to go to hers. Ever.

You can attach whatever conditions you like but as soon as you leave her in MIL's home you will never have any control over where she goes, who she sees or who she is left with.

To be honest, considering the child has not had any regular contact with MIL and ha not formed a close bond it would be foolish to take her there and leave her with MIL even if that was the long-term outcome you hoped for.

RAS

Start by checking out local public transport links.

Can MIL get to your town centre and take DD1 back from there?

Would you prefer some supervised access (possibly somewhere indoors at the moment) for the first few sessions?

mummyroysof3

Personally if it was me I would be saying let's set up for you to take your child on their house for visits and see how it goes before thinking about anything else. Your child may not be happy to be left for a while and it might be a mistake to comit to something early on that you might then regret.

duchy

I agree you may be running before you can walk.
Start by gently introducing DD and MIL -maybe meet MIL for a cup of tea in town and let DD get used to her face before taking the next small step -maybe leaving them together whilst you "pop off" for ten minutes -Blood means nothing to a six year old - your MIL is basically a stranger -and you wouldn't let say a babysitter take your child into their home where there might be people who have threatened to abduct your child in the past -you'd have them at your house or somewhere public-wouldn't you ?

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

Personally if it was me I would be saying let's set up for you to take your child on their house for visits and see how it goes before thinking about anything else. Your child may not be happy to be left for a while and it might be a mistake to comit to something early on that you might then regret.

Well initially thats whats going to happen (The bold bit) but i know that ExFIL does not like this idea (He hates me, with a passion, and would quite happily bury me in the back yard i suspect!)

DD1 said she doesnt want me to leave her alone until she "knows" them but to be honest i think after a while, she will be fine (Shes the sort of kids that will stay with anyone)

ExMIL was going on about DD1 seeing her regularly (Shes asked 4 times so far this week to see DD1 - I've agreed to one supervised access this week - exMIL wants it at their house as exFIL doesnt/wont go out) and she was saying how she would love for DD1 to stay over etc

I think they are going to push for DD1 to go on her own tbh so thought if i sorted this out straight away then its done with.

Person_one

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Well initially thats whats going to happen (The bold bit) but i know that ExFIL does not like this idea (He hates me, with a passion, and would quite happily bury me in the back yard i suspect!)

I wouldn't be making any special effort to leave a child with someone who hates her mother this much.

If there's progress being made towards ex seeing your daughter, then I'd just let that happen, and when its sorted they can see her on your ex's contact days.

Its his responsibility to facilitate that relationship, not yours.

newcook

I would be leaving it a long while before DD could stay overnight!!

I also agree with them meeting on neutral territory such as a coffee shop – if they really want to see DD they will agree to this until you and DD are comfortable with them being together.

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel

ExMIL would meet somewhere neutral, but ex FIL wont.

I've already agreed to go to their house so can't really change it. Maybe these are things i need to discuss with them when we go

Thanks!

neneromanova

Good God, If I was in the position, exMIL could take a running jump! If she wants to see DD then she has to come to your house (atleast to begin with as that's where DD will feel safe and comfortable). Then, after some time has passed, you could take her to their house, and then, a few months own the line, maybe go over on her own. If she doesn't like it this way, I'd tell her that's the way it is or nothing at all. If she really wants to see DD then she'll do this, If not, then you have to think is this a ruse for the ex to get to DD and take her away?

Just my opinions anyway

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

ExMIL would meet somewhere neutral, but ex FIL wont.

I've already agreed to go to their house so can't really change it. Maybe these are things i need to discuss with them when we go

Thanks!

Then he doesn't get to see his grandchild. As simple as that. He will have to learn to put aside his petty differences for the sake of your DD.

Caroline_a

Mimi_Arc_en_ciel wrote: »

Well initially thats whats going to happen (The bold bit) but i know that ExFIL does not like this idea (He hates me, with a passion, and would quite happily bury me in the back yard i suspect!)

I'm all for children getting to know their family, but why on earth would you let your child go somewhere where you are so hated? It has to be a toxic atmosphere for her - plus the added worry of her being taken by her father, etc etc.

Personally I would say that you are ok with them meeting up with her in a neutral place - contact centre, etc and certainly wouldnt be letting her be on their own with them at all for a very very long time. If exFIL doesnt go out, well he'll just have to try, or he'll miss out.

You seem to be making all the running here - if they are really keen to see her, they have to come to you!