Two different 'takes' on the same thing?

unholyangel

HPoirot wrote: »

Er - no, unless it is said with an intention to harm the partner's self worth or is done on a regular basis, the long and short of it is, saying this in the context described is not abuse.

So you know it was said as a one off and isn't a regular thing? Or how it was intended when it was said?

Emotional abuse can be present in relationships without either party (abuser or abused) realising.

A lot of people dont intend to hurt peoples feeings because consideration for other people isn't a factor in their thoughts. It may mean they're not "evil" but it still doesn't make them a nice person.

If everyone stopped to consider other peoples feelings more....the world would truly be a nicer place. Or at least filled with nicer people.

zaffi

unholyangel wrote: »

So you know it was said as a one off and isn't a regular thing? Or how it was intended when it was said?

Emotional abuse can be present in relationships without either party (abuser or abused) realising.

A lot of people dont intend to hurt peoples feeings because consideration for other people isn't a factor in their thoughts. It may mean they're not "evil" but it still doesn't make them a nice person.

If everyone stopped to consider other peoples feelings more....the world would truly be a nicer place. Or at least filled with nicer people.

to the bold bit: well surely if no one realises, then there isn't a problem....

unholyangel

zaffi wrote: »

to the bold bit: well surely if no one realises, then there isn't a problem....

Alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers etc mostly dont realise they have a problem. Does that still mean there isn't a problem?

If its harmful to themselves or others then I'd say yes.

HPoirot

unholyangel wrote: »

So you know it was said as a one off and isn't a regular thing? Or how it was intended when it was said?

Helping you there with the word in bold:

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

As a bloke, who is a bit overweight, and with a love of food, and a bit greedy, I would suggest that the OP's friend just gets on with it. Yes her husband still wants to be with her, but given the choice between a healthy, fat free her, and her vision of herself as a mordibly obese whale, I'm sure we can guess which version he would chose.
He's probably fed up of the procrastination, and the 'fake diets' and the lack of will power (Just like my wife is !!!!ed off with me !!!).

She should think herself lucky , as my wife's comments about my weight recently would have her slitting her own wrists. Apparently I'm disgusting and she thinks I'm a liar, when I say I will loose wieght.

FBaby

Did she mentioned the tone of the voice it was said with, because would be much more telling than the words themselves.

A 'gosh, do you need to keep going on about it I'm still here aren't I', with an annoyed voice is very different to 'Darling, stop worrying about it, I'm still here aren't I' with a smile on his face.

zaffi

unholyangel wrote: »

Alcoholics, drug addicts, gamblers etc mostly dont realise they have a problem. Does that still mean there isn't a problem?

If its harmful to themselves or others then I'd say yes.

not the same thing though all the examples you gave have wider social, financial and health implications.

This is two people in a relationship and if neither realises that anything is "wrong" then surely, by definition, nothing is wrong.

Lunar_Eclipse

victory wrote: »

I see it as he means that he 'is still here' because he wants to be and the weight gain doesn't make any difference to the way he feels and he is just happy to go with the flow and support her either way gain or loss...

This one, definitely.

unholyangel

HPoirot wrote: »

Helping you there with the word in bold:

It said the comments recently made would have her slitting her own wrists.....not that it was a one off or that it didn't happen before. To me it gives the impression that recently she's gotten nastier but has made comments for a while.

Plus as I've already said twice before, I dont have a tenth of the story....and nor do you. It could be either situation yet you're so convinced its one and not the other . Why?

zaffi wrote: »

not the same thing though all the examples you gave have wider social, financial and health implications.

This is two people in a relationship and if neither realises that anything is "wrong" then surely, by definition, nothing is wrong.

If you dont think it has health implications, you dont truly understand emotional abuse. It can cause depression, low self esteem, a feeling of worthlessness etc.

It usually involves an element of brainwashing them into thinking its their fault - so they fail to see anything wrong with the abusive behaviour/relationship and instead think its because of something they've done.

HPoirot

Why? Because I am not hell bent on reading abuse from Prothet's innocuous comments. Nor am I intent on fabricating from his comments that his wife has got nastier but been making comments for a while. I just take what he says at face value, I respect him for sharing his experience in relation to Victory's friend's situation and would not dream of imposing with wild interpretations of his marital situation from that experience he shared.

Why do you think I am so convinced it is one way or the other? Enough with the fabrication on a tangent.

unholyangel

HPoirot wrote: »

Why? Because I am not hell bent on reading abuse from Prothet's innocuous comments. Nor am I intent on fabricating from his comments that his wife has got nastier but been making comments for a while. I just take what he says at face value, I respect him for sharing his experience in relation to Victory's friend's situation and would not dream of imposing with wild interpretations of his marital situation from that experience he shared.

Why do you think I am so convinced it is one way or the other? Enough with the fabrication on a tangent.

Speculation goes both ways.

Fact is, I openly stated in my original reply to him that I don't know any of the story and it was purely based on a few comments he made on here. Yet you seem to have taken issue with that where he has found none.

Not intent or hell bent on anything. I haven't came to any conclusions about his post, what I've actually said is the complete opposite of coming to a conclusion.