Two different 'takes' on the same thing?

jetplane

Actually the reply Well I'm still here aren't I?... begs the question why? If he didn't actually qualify why... then I'm leaning more towards your friends interpretation on this.

Im still here because ... i love you, i fancy you, i have a mortgage, i have no where else to go..etc. If your friend is insecure I can see how she may feel negative about his reply.

Prothet_of_Doom

As a bloke, who is a bit overweight, and with a love of food, and a bit greedy, I would suggest that the OP's friend just gets on with it. Yes her husband still wants to be with her, but given the choice between a healthy, fat free her, and her vision of herself as a mordibly obese whale, I'm sure we can guess which version he would chose.
He's probably fed up of the procrastination, and the 'fake diets' and the lack of will power (Just like my wife is !!!!ed off with me !!!).

She should think herself lucky , as my wife's comments about my weight recently would have her slitting her own wrists. Apparently I'm disgusting and she thinks I'm a liar, when I say I will loose wieght.

esmerelda98

I think you gave your friend poor advice and she was foolish to follow it. There is a time for talking (and talking and talking) and there is a time to just get on with things.

LandyAndy

fluffnutter wrote: »

Actions speak louder than words. If he's kind and loving then she needs to stop obsessing about a throwaway comment. Men tend to say what they mean - women then read a billion different meanings into what is essentially a straightforward response. She's paranoid and feeling low at the moment hence the negative interpretation. You're not, nor are you emotionally involved in the situation, hence your more positive reading.

What's more worrying about all of this is that she simply doesn't talk to him about it.

This ^^^^.

unholyangel

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

She should think herself lucky , as my wife's comments about my weight recently would have her slitting her own wrists. Apparently I'm disgusting and she thinks I'm a liar, when I say I will loose wieght.

While I'm a great believer in working things out, I'm not sure either your or your wife realise that you two may (only saying may based on what you've said, obviously I don't know even a tenth of the full story!) be in an abusive relationship - with her being the abusive one.

Years ago I spoke with the granddaughter of my parents friends. She ended up in hospital because shes diabetic and didn't eat her snacks as she didn't want her friends to make fun of her from being different. I asked her if they're the kind of people who will make fun of you for that, do you really want them as friends anyway?

And I'm suggesting you ask yourself the same question about your wife.

As for the OP, as others have said....it really needs to be a lifestyle change and not a "diet", she shouldn't be cutting out any food groups as a healthy diet is a balanced one from all food groups. Also, she'll need to find what works for her and identify what the problem areas are. Contrary to popular belief, putting on weight is not always down to overeating or overindulging in cakes Its better for your diet if you eat smaller amounts but regularly as opposed to bigger meals but only once or twice a day.

She also shouldn't assume low fat is always the best option. There are several products where the low fat option actually is less healthy than another option. Asda coleslaw for example. Smart price stuff is (or was anyway, not had it in ages!) less in calories, fat, salt etc than their reduced one (ETA: and tastes better imo).

HPoirot

I just take it to mean that Prothet's wife is sick of the procrastinating with the diet and his moaning about being fat while still scoffing his way into lots of food. The same as anyone would be who is sick of hearing the same moan day in day out while the person does nothing about it. I don't find any abuse in this.

Anoneemoose

From someone who is in a similar situation, I can certainly see how that reply might feel a bit 'blah'.

I have been like this a lot and my hubs has (most of the time) said he still loves me and fancies me, no matter what and he qualifies this with his actions.

There are, of course many occasions that I have been unable to believe him and I realise now that this is due to MY issues and lack of self esteem, not him.

Your friend needs to either do something about the weight (if she can) and if not, she really needs to work on her self esteem.

unholyangel

HPoirot wrote: »

I just take it to mean that Prothet's wife is sick of the procrastinating with the diet and his moaning about being fat while still scoffing his way into lots of food. The same as anyone would be who is sick of hearing the same moan day in day out while the person does nothing about it. I don't find any abuse in this.

You dont think its abusive to tell your partner they're disgusting?

Theres a difference between being unwilling to support/entertain another failed attempt and being outright nasty about it. The latter is abusive and harmful rather than indifferent. If the person you're with is harming you, then its not a healthy relationship.

That's not to say its always been or will always be unhealthy. Just not healthy at that time.

I'm not blaming her, or him. Quite the opposite, I empathise. Its a difficult position to be in because at this point they are both in a negative cycle with no end in sight. Its never going to work if they both aren't fully on board.

As I said above though, I dont know even a tenth of the story. Perhaps this has been going on 20 years and she's tried everything she can think of or perhaps she's sitting munching chippies etc in front of him and buying in loads of crisps etc (in other words....an enabler).

System

I think he was trying to be tactful.

HPoirot

unholyangel wrote: »

You dont think its abusive to tell your partner they're disgusting?

Er - no, unless it is said with an intention to harm the partner's self worth or is done on a regular basis, the long and short of it is, saying this in the context described is not abuse.