A Singularly Lonely Christmas

paulineb_2

I think what I mean is, personally, I seem to have been surrounded by people who have had knocks but there's always been something positive for them at the end of it. For years I just kept thinking there would be some light at the end of the tunnel for me and there wasn't, nothing changed very much.

And I have worked with people who were suffering, I was an addiction worker for years, worked in homeless projects as well, but even so, I think my problem personally was that it wouldn't have taken much for things to turn around for me, a decent relationship, friendships where I got something back, but I've not had that in a long time.

So even though you know life is tough for many people, you still think why is nothing changing for me and I do think as well so many people say they are OK when they aren't. I'm guilty of it. I'll tell people in fine when I'm not.

I think my biggest issue hadn't been being single. Its having been in relationships where I've been totally unsupported. So for me, I've spent the last 25 years, either being on my tod, or being with people who made it clear they thought I was useless.

I do have support, I have a family who care about me. But sometimes it would be nice to get that from elsewhere.

And I think the more insular I got, the more I got into the mindset of my life is complete, rubbish when it's not.

I think my problem is that I've always been self reliant, I've lived on my own for almost 20 years and most of the time I love it. Its only the moments like when a pet died or when I had some really tough times at work that I thought, for once it would be nice not to come home to an empty flat.

Its so much easier just to put the face in and say I'm OK and I think for me, the year or two I didn't socialise really was because I couldn't put the face on.

You feel bad so you hide and then you feel worse , its a catch 22. And no matter how bad I feel in the future I will keep up the exercise and not just because there's a hot 20 something gym instructor at my local gym.

That's just a bonus.

LavenderBees

lostinrates wrote: »

Can I suggest that rather than think of it as deserving or not you just think of it as a n appropriate level of intimacy for the circle of friendship?

Otherwise its a bit negative.


I have to admit I am quite guarded in friendships and people who I find 'needy' are kept on my 'outer circle' of intimacy not because I don't like them but simply because I am aware of my limited capacity to give in many more directions a than I have in the past. If someone is opening up to me more than I feel comfortable with too soon I feel a little 'wary' because it might be a super, genuine person who could grow to be a friend or it could be an 'emotional vampire' so I would be a little wary of letting my guard down too much.


I also think we have to be aware where friends boundaries are different. I have one friend, for example, who is the victim of quite destructive habits which she sees as beneficial. I care for her a lot but her belief her way of life is the right way and her faith, habits, and slightly strange beliefs are the only way are increasingly hard for , particularly my husband, to swallow. On the other hand I know she finds the fact that I am not available at weekends, (Friday nights and weekends belong to my marriage as we don't get the normal time people get midweek) frustrating.

Friendships, like any other relationships require give and take, understanding and forgiveness appropriate to the level of closeness. I wouldn't be discussing my will with a boyfriend of three months, nor would I be talking about intimacies of friendship with a friend on my 'outer circle' . I would make nice with them at dinner with a Michael bubble type singer. I think you struck the right balance tonight. .

Absolutely! suggest away! Your way sounds so much nicer, but my way is more accurate.

LavenderBees

calicocat wrote: »

This thread is food for Thought on lots of different levels isn't it....which is good.

Paulineb....i'm glad you are getting yourself out a couple of few times a month. I can be a bit of a recluse too. Then it can as you said knock your confidence, and I also think you get comfortable with it even if you didn't like it in the first place, and it also becomes habit.

Lots of people would be shocked to hear me say I am shy as I can be quite vocal and opinionated when comfortable with my surroundings...but that is the key. Take me out of my comfort zone and I can be an entirely different person and hardly utter a word. I'm not good with big groups of people as I just don't generally do small talk.

This thread has made me think I need to broaden my horizons too....which I am cr*p at as a)quite lazy and b) not good at it, I tend to just let things happen and am not very pro-active I think.

My work shifts do make this difficult at times, but you have to work within that don't you.



Hmmmmmmmm........food for thought.






On a different note as I know you'll all be really wanting to know about the quilt etc......Houston we have a problem.

Asbo has moved various of her belongings into the spare room as I haven't had the heart to boot her out yet. This may have to be a slow process now or she will be in a vile mood and scratch at the door to be in there all night and day and we will argue a lot.

Asbo plan is....move mice out....then move quilt to my bedroom in the hope that she follows it.....then shut door. Then a week later remove quilt (when she is asleep elsewhere) back to spare room and she may just think she dreamt its existence.

I think you are both describing many of us. I'd hazard a guess that very few people are anywhere near as confident as they appear to be. But maybe practice of talking to people and being outside your comfort zone will help.

As for getting in a rut and staying there, you're describing me completely.

This whole thread is outside my comfort zone; meeting people off the internet is absolutely, completely outside my comfort zone (and I'm doing it again tomorrow :eek:). But this was also outside your comfort zone, too, CalicoCat, but look how well that's working out . I firmly believe that most people have the ability to be at least good acquaintances and one or two will become great soul mates. It's worth pushing ourselves to find that.

Pauline - it sounds to me that you've had a bad time of it with some people, but you're doing a great job, really you are, to keep working at it. Keep your chin up, and keep trying..

As for Asbo-cat...can I ask a really obvious question? Why can't she just stay in the spare room with HER quilt??

xx

calicocat

LavenderBees wrote: »

I think you are both describing many of us. I'd hazard a guess that very few people are anywhere near as confident as they appear to be. But maybe practice of talking to people and being outside your comfort zone will help.

As for getting in a rut and staying there, you're describing me completely.

This whole thread is outside my comfort zone; meeting people off the internet is absolutely, completely outside my comfort zone (and I'm doing it again tomorrow :eek:). But this was also outside your comfort zone, too, CalicoCat, but look how well that's working out . I firmly believe that most people have the ability to be at least good acquaintances and one or two will become great soul mates. It's worth pushing ourselves to find that.

Pauline - it sounds to me that you've had a bad time of it with some people, but you're doing a great job, really you are, to keep working at it. Keep your chin up, and keep trying..

As for Asbo-cat...can I ask a really obvious question? Why can't she just stay in the spare room with HER quilt??

xx

Yes meeting up with you was a really odd thing for me to do...not you, just someone I don't actually know. I have no clue what, but there must have been something you posted that struck something in me....I don't think about it as not the kind to mull over that too much, and it doesn't matter, it was a good thing. I shall be taking more stock of myself next year and stop being such a lazy hermit.

As for Asbo, it's the only room I have sorted for guests to stay, if she has it she will trash it, I will constantly be cleaning it, and will throw up in it so I will also have to wash carpets. She has 6 other rooms she can use.....lol.

She can have the quilt, that doesn't bother me one bit......if mother knew she would have steam coming out of the top of her head....lol.


Revised Asbo plan.....take mice out, take quilt out and put on my bedroom floor folded for her, hope she follows quilt....shut door. She likes that room for some reason...probably as door usually shut. She is a bit odd and doesn't like shut doors, probably the rescue thing.

lostinrates

LavenderBees wrote: »

I think you are both describing many of us. I'd hazard a guess that very few people are anywhere near as confident as they appear to be. But maybe practice of talking to people and being outside your comfort zone will help.

As for getting in a rut and staying there, you're describing me completely.

This whole thread is outside my comfort zone; meeting people off the internet is absolutely, completely outside my comfort zone (and I'm doing it again tomorrow :eek:). But this was also outside your comfort zone, too, CalicoCat, but look how well that's working out . I firmly believe that most people have the ability to be at least good acquaintances and one or two will become great soul mates. It's worth pushing ourselves to find that.

Pauline - it sounds to me that you've had a bad time of it with some people, but you're doing a great job, really you are, to keep working at it. Keep your chin up, and keep trying..

As for Asbo-cat...can I ask a really obvious question? Why can't she just stay in the spare room with HER quilt??

xx

There is a group of people on Mse I have been chatting to for years, since I joined here.

Last summer my health symptoms changed and I became very scared and convinced my self I must prepared again for the end I had managed to avoid past the original use by date the doctors gave DH for me.

These dear people and I who had chatted for years arranged to meet, but I couldn't organise anything, let alone a tray of sarnies, so, against all advise on safety DH and I talked about it and a group of them came to our home (I was pretty home bound). They came with platters of coronation chicken, bowls of salads, crisps, dips, bottles of wine, and champagne, fruit and all sorts,


And we sat in my garden next to the building site of my house and talked just as we do here. I felt so nurtured its hard to describe. Peoe who I relate to on a very different way to real life friends. Much less guarded in many ways. There have since been two big meet ups and smaller ones. Some of those people and their families are immensely precious to me.

To,or row I am meeting with another Mse-er I met elsewhere on the board, and she and I get on like a house on fire. DH and I both adore her. I wish she were my sister frankly.

(Edit....oh, and obviously after last summer I have got my situation with health less stressful....I don't think I am past use by date any more.....just over the best before date. We all know to ignore them )

LavenderBees

calicocat wrote: »

Yes meeting up with you was a really odd thing for me to do...not you, just someone I don't actually know. I have no clue what, but there must have been something you posted that struck something in me....I don't think about it as not the kind to mull over that too much, and it doesn't matter, it was a good thing. I shall be taking more stock of myself next year and stop being such a lazy hermit.

As for Asbo, it's the only room I have sorted for guests to stay, if she has it she will trash it, I will constantly be cleaning it, and will throw up in it so I will also have to wash carpets. She has 6 other rooms she can use.....lol.

She can have the quilt, that doesn't bother me one bit......if mother knew she would have steam coming out of the top of her head....lol.


Revised Asbo plan.....take mice out, take quilt out and put on my bedroom floor folded for her, hope she follows quilt....shut door. She likes that room for some reason...probably as door usually shut. She is a bit odd and doesn't like shut doors, probably the rescue thing.

Cats don't like shut doors...the more you shut it, the more she'll want to know what you're hiding...:rotfl: I predict Asbo-cat will win hands down :T

LavenderBees

lostinrates wrote: »

There is a group of people on Mse I have been chatting to for years, since I joined here.

Last summer my health symptoms changed and I became very scared and convinced my self I must prepared again for the end I had managed to avoid past the original use by date the doctors gave DH for me.

These dear people and I who had chatted for years arranged to meet, but I couldn't organise anything, let alone a tray of sarnies, so, against all advise on safety DH and I talked about it and a group of them came to our home (I was pretty home bound). They came with platters of coronation chicken, bowls of salads, crisps, dips, bottles of wine, and champagne, fruit and all sorts,


And we sat in my garden next to the building site of my house and talked just as we do here. I felt so nurtured its hard to describe. Peoe who I relate to on a very different way to real life friends. Much less guarded in many ways. There have since been two big meet ups and smaller ones. Some of those people and their families are immensely precious to me.

To,or row I am meeting with another Mse-er I met elsewhere on the board, and she and I get on like a house on fire. DH and I both adore her. I wish she were my sister frankly.

(Edit....oh, and obviously after last summer I have got my situation with health less stressful....I don't think I am past use by date any more.....just over the best before date. We all know to ignore them )

What a lovely heartwarming story Thanks for sharing that with us. Lovely

And thank goodness you're just over the best before date!! :T

lostinrates

LavenderBees wrote: »

What a lovely heartwarming story Thanks for sharing that with us. Lovely

And thank goodness you're just over the best before date!! :T

Sorry...my point was not about me but about the Internet. And Mse, having been the originator of some lovely friendships.

skipton

Yes chickens are very tying more so than some other pets but I wouldn't be without them now. I have a couple of Eglus bought from Ebay The girls free range most of the day unless I am going out then they go home to their various pens. When its dark they take themselves off to bed and I just close their doors when I get back.

We moved my elderly parents in with us so I am a carer for them which is also tying.

My book club is run by the librarian in our village library and is very laid back. If you dont like the book you don't read it. We meet every 3 weeks, chat about the book, including others we have read. Then have coffee and cake and chat/discuss tv/films/radio etc. As a comer in to the area they have made me feel very welcome and they love my eggs.

MummyBobble

Love the positive feeling of so many posts Our Christmas Day was a lovely PJ day (shocking I know :eek: ) Our two mad kittens loved all the wrapping paper - at least it stopped them from climbing to the top of the Christmas tree for a while! Lots of chocolate, biscuits and sweets for breakfast (if it was unwrapped and edible we ate it), and a full Christmas dinner, complete with Yorkshire puddings and mushy peas, with chocolate puddings with cookie dough ice cream to follow :snow_laug

Boxing Day was much harder when DD and DS went to their dad and I went to my sister's for a family get together. Both my sisters were there along with their husbands, children and boyfriends/girlfriends. As much as I know how lucky I am to have them, times like that when I am on my own with them does seem to make me question why my life has turned out the way it has. I've had a real struggle with depression this year, and in the end had to take myself off to bed for a couple of hours in the middle of it. Just as well they love me and understand!

To end on a more positive note, gorgeous DD went carol singing on Christmas Eve with her best friend. They weren't asking for money but folk insisted on giving to them and they ended up coming home with £40! They talked about it yesterday and decided that they will use it to buy food to donate to the local food-bank. What lovely 16 year old girls :j