A Singularly Lonely Christmas

groatie_queen

Thanks for your very thoughtful post Pauline. I think processing different kinds of loss and change is some of our hardest work... and because it's unseen, and happens privately and quietly over long timescales, it's easy for other people to miss how we can still be deeply affected for months and years.

LB, I appreciated your remarks about resilience. It's something I'm intentionally encouraging in myself, also in my clients (I give info and advice to people with a long term health condition). I'm on long term treatment myself... and had to learn to look after myself with kindness.

I had a very punitive and unpredictable mother. Getting that harsh inner voice out of my head and allowing some kindness and mercy in, has taken too many years!

Anyway, here's today's bit of encouragement - You Will Rise Again from Capercaillie's Delirium album

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXFOvz2bxFM

Lyrics:
http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858965073/

LavenderBees

lostinrates wrote: »

Lavender bees,

I keep chickens.

Honestly? They ARE a tie. Personally, were I free single and looking for new adventures there is no way I would tie myself down with them. Its not the holidays, its the daily missed opportunities if you have no one to rely on. Its the noone to tell about the sadness of the many scrapes they get into and the misery of having to do something responsible and not have anyone who knew the birds tell you 'it was the right thing'.

I don't keep brilliant health, which is why we live how we do ...me moving back out from the country to have some life out here, and why my parent moved in with us as a sort of weekday carer when its needed, though i hold I would cope alone. In fact I think the caring is more the other way now. :rotfl:

The birds are a bind like few of the other animals. They are vulnerable in a way nothing else is, and yet won't take heed. Appointments at doctors.....soonest available? Well....does it clash with sundown? :rotfl: Drinks or supper with friends.....suddenly coats double if you are in town near them, then have to pop home put birds away then pop back .....

Free range eggs from trueY well reared and kept birds from small holders represent incredibly good value for money.

oh, Man! I'm not playing any more (spits out dummy). I want chickens and I want a life too (stamps foot!). Surely, they aren't completely mutually exclusive :rotfl:.

Apart from the set up costs (which I need to save up), this is the main reason I will hesitate to get them. If I'd had them this year, they'd have starved as I had no time at all to look after them when my parents became so ill. I had chickens years ago, in my other life, so, I am aware that they need time and energy, but if I get them I need to have sorted out cover for them for when I have to work away etc. I take and fully understand your point, but if I set up their run carefully and properly, not being home by sundown occasionally (well, all the time in winter!) won't be too big a deal.

It won't be easy, I know that, and after this year, i'm not sure I want the extra responsibility for a while, and for the time being I do want freedom, so the time needs to be right...

calicocat

This thread is food for Thought on lots of different levels isn't it....which is good.

Paulineb....i'm glad you are getting yourself out a couple of few times a month. I can be a bit of a recluse too. Then it can as you said knock your confidence, and I also think you get comfortable with it even if you didn't like it in the first place, and it also becomes habit.

Lots of people would be shocked to hear me say I am shy as I can be quite vocal and opinionated when comfortable with my surroundings...but that is the key. Take me out of my comfort zone and I can be an entirely different person and hardly utter a word. I'm not good with big groups of people as I just don't generally do small talk.

This thread has made me think I need to broaden my horizons too....which I am cr*p at as a)quite lazy and b) not good at it, I tend to just let things happen and am not very pro-active I think.

My work shifts do make this difficult at times, but you have to work within that don't you.



Hmmmmmmmm........food for thought.






On a different note as I know you'll all be really wanting to know about the quilt etc......Houston we have a problem.

Asbo has moved various of her belongings into the spare room as I haven't had the heart to boot her out yet. This may have to be a slow process now or she will be in a vile mood and scratch at the door to be in there all night and day and we will argue a lot.

Asbo plan is....move mice out....then move quilt to my bedroom in the hope that she follows it.....then shut door. Then a week later remove quilt (when she is asleep elsewhere) back to spare room and she may just think she dreamt its existence.

Dozey_crow

I spoke to my friend who spent all of Christmas alone today and she is very pleased that it is over. She had decided that she is going away next year. At least she is on and up to now she had plans for nye and several days after which is good.

Lots of nice ideas on here and it is becoming a lovely supportive thread!

LavenderBees

paulineb wrote: »

I also think its a very hard and brave thing to do to admit that you are lonely at any time of year. Personally, as I said above, I think Ive always put far more into friendships than Ive ever got back and I think that was part of the reason I just opted right out for a while.


There are lots of people in this world whose lives arent quite where they want to be at any given time, when its you going through the mill you think its only you, but it really isnt.

I said it on another thread, I am going to look into befriending an elderly person next year if there are any projects that do that. I miss my gran, but she had us, she was widowed at 55 and lived until she was 86 so she was lonely at times, but some people dont have family, it is something I want to do and I am going to look into it in 2014.

Yes, I too have found I usually put more into friendships than I get back, and, if I step back, I generally find that's the end of the friendship as they cba to put the effort in that I have, so it just dies a death. There are very few people in real life that I would admit to being lonely. The ones I have admitted this to (Far Flung Friend,for example, and all you virtual people) have been lovely and supportive, but I would not trust many with this vulnerable information. Indeed, having taken stock of some of my less supportive friends, I've decided they are definitely relegated to casual acquaintance status us, and I feel much better for that!

Having listened to Far Flung Friend, and Lostinrates, I decided to accept an invite from one of these less supportive friends tonight. I was quite nervous, tbh, as I was unsure I could deflect questions that would upset me/smile sweetly etc for the course of a whole meal, but it was fine. I simply asked loads of questions of this lady, and answered hers very briefly and simply, with no hint of my letting her in any further to my emotions. We had a pleasant evening, helped by a Michael Buble type live singer entertaining us. So, all in all, I'm glad I went out, and I think we will remain "friends" but it will be very casual on my side now. She really doesn't deserve any more from me.

Regarding your comment about thinking you're the only person going through the mill - I have to disagree. One of my main reasons for posting this thread was that I couldn't believe I was the only one who felt isolated and needed help to get life kick started again. I'm also well aware of my true friends' difficulties/sadnesses etc. As I get older, I am only too well aware of the difficulties of the world - the horrors of this world upset me very much. But life is full of downs and more downs. Having your own downs doesn't mean you aren't aware of others.

Befriending an older person is a lovely thing to do. Good luck with that :A

LavenderBees

Dozey_crow wrote: »

I spoke to my friend who spent all of Christmas alone today and she is very pleased that it is over. She had decided that she is going away next year. At least she is on and up to now she had plans for nye and several days after which is good.

Lots of nice ideas on here and it is becoming a lovely supportive thread!

Oh, I am glad! Far Flung Friend and I were concerned about her, but I guessed she would be resilient enough to get through this and use this experience to teach her she needs to try to take control. Bless her cotton socks. Good for her!! :T

LavenderBees

calicocat wrote: »

Due to lack or brain function after work I have only skim...and I mean skim read today's chat.

LB.....re: morpeth for a mooch, I can't do tomorrow as now need to get more stuff from chemists for duff arm. Also, have been quickly on the 'preparing for winter' thread and am a bit spooked by the loads of snow coming post. So will be checking out car and emergency supplies in it.....and de-cluttering as right now it's like a skip with wheels.

However sunday could be an option provided I don't have much to drink tomorrow night so will assess that later?.


Hope everyone is well.

Don't worry, I have another friend to meet tomorrow :rotfl:. Bless her, Boddy has been roped in for coffee at 11am.

Lets worry about Sunday when we get over your birthday evening tomorrow...have we mentioned IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY? No? Well, my lips are sealed, no one will hear it from me

:rotfl:

LavenderBees

lobbyludd wrote: »

hi - re book club, I started one and invited all the neighbours. We weren't a particularly sophisticated book club, often around half the people hadn't got round to reading the book, and often we discussed very little about the book, but it was lovely to meet and get to know my neighbours. We met around every 6-8 weeks for a couple of years - it's folded now, but became very popular, give it a try, if it doesn't work for you then leave!!

But...how can you leave if you start it? :rotfl: The obligation and responsibility would be immense!

oh, I don't know...I want to meet people, but don't want to have to DO anything :rotfl:

The book clubs in the libraries all sound so earnest...I think I'm really just looking for a drinks party with nibbles :rotfl:

lostinrates

LavenderBees wrote: »

Yes, I too have found I usually put more into friendships than I get back, and, if I step back, I generally find that's the end of the friendship as they cba to put the effort in that I have, so it just dies a death. There are very few people in real life that I would admit to being lonely. The ones I have admitted this to (Far Flung Friend,for example, and all you virtual people) have been lovely and supportive, but I would not trust many with this vulnerable information. Indeed, having taken stock of some of my less supportive friends, I've decided they are definitely relegated to casual acquaintance status us, and I feel much better for that!

Having listened to Far Flung Friend, and Lostinrates, I decided to accept an invite from one of these less supportive friends tonight. I was quite nervous, tbh, as I was unsure I could deflect questions that would upset me/smile sweetly etc for the course of a whole meal, but it was fine. I simply asked loads of questions of this lady, and answered hers very briefly and simply, with no hint of my letting her in any further to my emotions. We had a pleasant evening, helped by a Michael Buble type live singer entertaining us. So, all in all, I'm glad I went out, and I think we will remain "friends" but it will be very casual on my side now. She really doesn't deserve any more from me.

Can I suggest that rather than think of it as deserving or not you just think of it as a n appropriate level of intimacy for the circle of friendship?

Otherwise its a bit negative.


I have to admit I am quite guarded in friendships and people who I find 'needy' are kept on my 'outer circle' of intimacy not because I don't like them but simply because I am aware of my limited capacity to give in many more directions a than I have in the past. If someone is opening up to me more than I feel comfortable with too soon I feel a little 'wary' because it might be a super, genuine person who could grow to be a friend or it could be an 'emotional vampire' so I would be a little wary of letting my guard down too much.


I also think we have to be aware where friends boundaries are different. I have one friend, for example, who is the victim of quite destructive habits which she sees as beneficial. I care for her a lot but her belief her way of life is the right way and her faith, habits, and slightly strange beliefs are the only way are increasingly hard for , particularly my husband, to swallow. On the other hand I know she finds the fact that I am not available at weekends, (Friday nights and weekends belong to my marriage as we don't get the normal time people get midweek) frustrating.

Friendships, like any other relationships require give and take, understanding and forgiveness appropriate to the level of closeness. I wouldn't be discussing my will with a boyfriend of three months, nor would I be talking about intimacies of friendship with a friend on my 'outer circle' . I would make nice with them at dinner with a Michael bubble type singer. I think you struck the right balance tonight. .

LavenderBees

groatie_queen wrote: »

Thanks for your very thoughtful post Pauline. I think processing different kinds of loss and change is some of our hardest work... and because it's unseen, and happens privately and quietly over long timescales, it's easy for other people to miss how we can still be deeply affected for months and years.

LB, I appreciated your remarks about resilience. It's something I'm intentionally encouraging in myself, also in my clients (I give info and advice to people with a long term health condition). I'm on long term treatment myself... and had to learn to look after myself with kindness.

I had a very punitive and unpredictable mother. Getting that harsh inner voice out of my head and allowing some kindness and mercy in, has taken too many years!

Anyway, here's today's bit of encouragement - You Will Rise Again from Capercaillie's Delirium album

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XXFOvz2bxFM

Lyrics:
http://songmeanings.com/songs/view/3530822107858965073/

I agree - most, if not all people are carrying wounds and losses around in their hearts that are invisible, but hurt badly none the less.

groatie queen, you have again won the prize for making me cry. Lovely melody, beautiful voice, lovely lyrics = tears

But that's not a bad thing, all things considered.

xx