A Singularly Lonely Christmas

groatie_queen

I for one am grateful to LB for starting a thread for companionship and new ideas for singletons at Christmas. In the past, there was a thread for bereaved people, and very valuable it was too. People are on their own for many reasons nowadays, not often through choice, and a thread for helping all of us to find some cheer at this time of year is worth its weight in gold.

I do agree it's needed not just for Christmas, living solo is something to be managed as positively as possible all year round. Where I fall down is in the cooking department. Lately I've lost my appetite and have fallen into the habit of not cooking proper meals... so one thing I did just before Christmas was buy some foil food trays, and I've pledged to myself to do some batch cooking for the freezer, so that I have easy meals stashed away for coming in from work.

This morning I went to have breakfast at my local Morrisons, which has a cafe and opened at 11.00. I sat with my cuppa for an hour or so, kindle in hand, and enjoyed the murmur of conversations around me.

Back home to tackle some housework, and I'll be meeting up with my Scrabble group tomorrow morning for a couple of games. We're not competitive and help each other out, there's lots of chat and cups of tea too.

I hope you all have a peaceful evening.

LavenderBees

oh, goodness! Sorry....I had to go to sleep. Had a stotting bad head all day, and just had to sleep...am back in the land of the almost living ...will reply to the posts now...

I feel like a bad hostess at a party, abandoning my guests mid conversation :rotfl:

LavenderBees

jools27 wrote: »

LB I know exactly what you mean about coming home to an empty house! I lost my OH very suddenly last Christmas, and even though I have my 2 adult kids living with me and family nearby coming home is very hard most days! I had dinner with my mum and brother yesterday, DD was at her boyfriends, DS went to his friends as he didn't want to eat. I came home just after 7 to the cat asleep and thought is this it???? I am lucky to have my family and some fantastic friends, and before I would have paid for an empty house some days, but never really appreciated before just how lonely you can feel at times, mind you this can also overcome me in a crowd some days. I just keep telling myself that the feelings will fade some day, and when it hits me I look around at the photos surrounding me and remember the years of happiness and memories which went before!
Enjoy your pj day, I would be doing the same but have DD, BF and my brother coming for Christmas dinner number 2 later, so am off to give myself a makeover before I start peeling the veg!

Big hugs, Jools. I see from the information in your signature that Iain was only a couple of years older than me. That must have been a dreadful time for you , and , of course, this must be a doubly tough time of year for you and your family. I'm so glad you do have a supportive family, and some company to help get you through missing your hubby. Drop by any time...

xx

LavenderBees

Calling14 wrote: »

Just seen this thread lavenderbees. I tend to be home alone over Xmas, this yr sad one funeral day before Xmas eve, which resulted in my cold turning into bronchitis. Just going to say that I hate going back to an empty house on Xmas day, does make you tearful. So I chatter to my dog, friends on fbook usually have a drink but been too ill this yr.
Would love to go away but where? Off till January but I do have relatives nearby but wouldn't wish this bug on anyone. Hopefully improve next week go for few walks, days out and you do meet people. Yr not on yr own.

Bless you, too. I know that being poorly on your own is no joke. Hope you're managing to keep yourself hydrated and fed ok. Is anyone popping in to help you? Please drop by again and let us know how you're doing.

I'm glad you have your dog for company and cuddles. Sounds like you need them.

xx

LavenderBees

Broomstick wrote: »

Hiya, I've been following this thread too - loads of things to think about. Thank you LB and everyone else who's posted.

I only heard the tail end of 'You and Yours' on Radio 4 at lunchtime which was about people learning new things. There was some interesting stuff about how brains and neural networks change when you learn something new and about the idea that it's never too late to start. It was a slightly different take on life-long learning that, to me, sounded much more appealing than learning something new in order to meet new people or just to fill one's time with something - valid as those reasons are. I'm going to listen to the whole programme later but here's the link to throw another idea into the melting pot for ideas for the longer term.
http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b03m7z0l/You_and_Yours_26_12_2013/

B x

Thanks very much for this. I've bookmarked it to listen to tomorrow. It sounds like the weather is going to be shocking everywhere again tomorrow, so I'm probably going to have another PJ day Dreadful, I know

I started studying a course way back last January, and had to abandon it by February. It's work related, so goes without saying it's boring :rotfl:. I need to get myself into the mindset for starting this again in a couple of weeks. Hopefully, your program will either get me moving or help me decide to do something that interests me more.

So, thanks for that. Very timely! :T

LavenderBees

paulineb wrote: »

Ive watched this thread, I live on my own (me and cats) and I do have family but not loads, theres my mum and my brother. My gran died 3 years ago at Christmas. To be honest, my problem has been that I had a couple of years where everything went wrong, really wrong, that was about 6 years ago although Ive had my testing times since. I lost friends because I broke my arm and ended up on sick pay (ssp) and I couldnt afford to socialise. Other issues with work, went into hermit mode and stayed there.

Last year I made a massive effort to get out and about, joined a few meet up groups, have just left a local one because I wasnt happy with the way it was being run and there were a couple of incidents at nights out that the organisers didnt deal with, but I have to continue to make the effort and keep socialising.

Im pretty shy in real life and people dont always believe that when they meet me, but Christmas is just a time for me to be with my mum, my brother comes up to see us at Christmas, I dont see as much of him as I would like, he works in one of the local gyms Im a member of, so Ive seen more of him this last 6 months as Ive been doing more classes and he did my gym programme for me

I think the problem is, you tend to get into a mindset where you think everyone is having a bigger, better, bolder time than you. I do have friends, but they arent always the most reliable, if they phone me and I want to go out, I go, if I dont I dont, but Id say I have many more acquaintances than I do have friends and life can be quite lonely at times.

But the person who has held me back over the last few years, has been me, no one else. I also spent long enough in relationships that werent serving me well and had SO many miserable Christmases as a result I also need to take a step back and think, was I happier then than I am now and the answer would be a resounding no.

One day at a time, be kind to yourself and pat yourself on the back for efforts you have made to change things. Im very self critical, but Ive lost 30 pounds in weight in the last 7 months and for the first time in a long time Im looking after myself and that includes eating well, trying to sleep well and exercise and its made a difference to my self esteem.

Hi Pauline. Thanks for dropping by! It sounds like you're trying really hard to get out of your rut, and to a large extent, you've succeeded, so really well done. Especially well done on the weight loss - fab!

Your comment about "relationships not serving you well" has had me thinking again this afternoon about why I'm flogging a dead horse in trying to keep a friendship going that doesn't make me feel good. Is it bad to give up or is it just sound common sense

It's easy to say that I will drop everyone who makes me feel unsupported or at least doesn't make me feel particularly good, but in reality that isn't easy. Hmmm...more thought needed.

xx

lostinrates

LavenderBees wrote: »

It's easy to say that I will drop everyone who makes me feel unsupported or at least doesn't make me feel particularly good, but in reality that isn't easy. Hmmm...more thought needed.

xx

Actually,


I think its important in social life to have a wider circle of 'acquaintances' who are not 'supporting' friends but who are the kind of people you socialise with. Its important to remember we are only a small cog in most people's machine of life.

Its perfectly fine, normal and healthy to have people in your life for whom your reciprocal role is a fair weather one SO LONG as you both remember it is that. Similarly, its fine to drop ones who are the opposite, only interested in you when you are down, and keen to tell you what you should be miserable about, or else interested only when you can help them.

But those who aren't supporting.....they kind of do support in a passive way if only because they remind us that sometimes we just have to put our best foot forward and keep our own counsel. More people with smiling, no malice intended but no great meaning don't hurt in life, and relationships can deepen and change.

IMO, if you get more real friends, you know real soul friends than you can count on one hand in life then you are exceptionally blessed. If you get more people you can count as sincere friends, the sort of wider good real friends, you can count on two then You do better than by far the majority.

binnie

Hmm, I wonder why I haven't been getting any notifications for two days. :eek:
Anyway here I am now. I'm glad this thread is still going. I think it is very useful for people to be able to say how they feel and you always get one who is quite insensitive to others.
Lavenderbees you sound a wonderful person and you have great wit and wasn't really asking for sympathy and woe is me. I can see that.
All you wanted was to write it down somewhere and see if anybody could come up with some answers. Everybody is different and if we feel lonely or sorry for ourselves isn't that up to us. If people don't like it, don't bother replying, it's just a waste of energy.

I didn't feel in the mood for Christmas to be honest, I find it all too commercialised and because I work in a shop I see the mentality of some people who go overboard and buy all and sundry. Where I work is open 365 a year (Greedy gits) and people really don't need to go that mad.

I have also lost loved ones in the past four years, this year I've lost an aunty and an uncle and then on Christmas Eve at 10.45pm I received a text saying saying my dads best friend had died. Now as an empathic person I just wanted a minute or two to gather my thoughts and feel sad. But all I got was, "Oh well people die the older they get, you hear more and more".
How insensitive was that, how about "I'm sorry all my condolences to your dad" and left it at that......
I was so mad I left the inlaws in a rush and started walking home the 8 mile walk. My hubbie came after me and I just couldn't calm down. I eventually got in the car and we drove home, but peoples insensitivity can hurt so why can't they keep their thoughts to themselves.

I hope you get through this sad period and in time can look to the future. The dark miserable nights and sometimes days don't always help and I say "Roll on Spring". :j

I send all my love and hope 2014 brings you some happiness LB.
xxx

LavenderBees

lostinrates wrote: »

Actually,


I think its important in social life to have a wider circle of 'acquaintances' who are not 'supporting' friends but who are the kind of people you socialise with. Its important to remember we are only a small cog in most people's machine of life.

Its perfectly fine, normal and healthy to have people in your life for whom your reciprocal role is a fair weather one SO LONG as you both remember it is that. Similarly, its fine to drop ones who are the opposite, only interested in you when you are down, and keen to tell you what you should be miserable about, or else interested only when you can help them.

But those who aren't supporting.....they kind of do support in a passive way if only because they remind us that sometimes we just have to put our best foot forward and keep our own counsel. More people with smiling, no malice intended but no great meaning don't hurt in life, and relationships can deepen and change.

IMO, if you get more real friends, you know real soul friends than you can count on one hand in life then you are exceptionally blessed. If you get more people you can count as sincere friends, the sort of wider good real friends, you can count on two then You do better than by far the majority.

Yes, you raise interesting points and are kind of echoing far flung friend in this - she felt I should consider relegating said friend and just accept that she has been found sadly wanting in the "real soul friends" stakes, and she is now down at acquaintance level, but in reality is in danger of sinking further than this.

Definitely more thought needed...

lobbyludd

hey lb, another duvet day sounds great, one of the marvellous joys of having lots planned to do is the guilty pleasure of deciding not to do them and enjoying the time off .

I am back from visiting parent for Christmas, having dropped the kids with their father's parents on the way home. Christmas was bitter-sweet, with a loved one's foster child being moved at short notice, with all the grieving that brings.

I am going to try and get to the woods and walk this weekend (tricky with whining kids, so a rare opportunity) and revel in stretching my limbs and being with trees.

I understand the friend dilemma: I came home to a card from an old friend whom I have grown apart from, and who a few years ago, I had not cut off, but did not work to pursue the friendship, as I realised I often felt worse about myself when in her company - I also realised this wasn't because of her - she's just being her and is lovely, it's about me. But at the time, I needed to protect what little self esteem I had. what to do? I have always wished her nothing but good things, and am stronger now, but is it better left alone?

We will both make the best decisions for us, LB, and thank you again for sharing your wonderful christmas.