EMA - small rant

bestpud

zoezoe wrote: »

I was litterally exploring my daughters options should she not come with us. I cannot force her, but if she find that she has no money then perhaps she will come all by herself.

Yep, I think that too! Sometimes headstrong teens just need a reality check to make them see they are being a tad unreasonable! I seriously wonder if she has any real idea of what she is letting herself in for. I think at 16 she is old enough to have all the options laid in front of her so she can make an informed choice.

Oldernotwiser

zoezoe wrote: »

I never said i had no parental support after i left home, who do you think looked after my baby when I was at uni or work?
.

But you have previously posted,
"Have you considered that not all people can stay at home until they are 18 ? Perhaps even if they did their parents would not be able to support them ?

I left home at 16 as I had a child. I was not able to stay at home."

Obviously your parents lived very locally to you, which is quite different from moving to the other end of the country.

Personally I can't see why you don't just tell your daughter that she's moving with you instead of giving her the choice. The fact that she has a college place to go to in Surrey but not in Plymouth sounds as though you've allowed (if not encouraged ) her to make plans to live in the area from which you're planning to move.

As you don't feel this to be a possibility, why not spend the money with which you would be supporting her if she moved to Plymouth to support her in Surrey, rather than throwing her onto her own resources? Although this would not be ideal, it could provide a workable solution which would enable you both to achieve what you wish.

Many years ago, my husband's parents were given the opportunity of moving out of London and being rehoused in one of the new towns. This was an opportunity not to be missed but he'd just finished his "O" levels and wanted to stay at his school to do his "A"s. His parents paid for him to go into lodgings for a couple of years so that everybody could get what they wanted out of the situation. This sort of solution would work for your family as well.

As well as being critical of your plans, many people have been suggesting solutions to your problems. A willingless to look for a better answer might be more convincing of your love for your daughter. There are ways round this but they'll need some sacrifices to be achieved.

pandas66

Can I just tell you of one small incident today!

I received a phonecall at 11.30am asking where my son was.................(I am in work) I said he should be in college in his 1 lesson today....He decided not to bother today! He had 1 lesson to attend for 1 hour but when the alarm went off he turned itoff, turned over and went back to sleep!

So now he misses his EMA for the week, he has a report made on him and I've received a phonecall as I am his 'guardian' still. So I had to explain him! I had to go and find him in bed (!) get him out of bed, have a talk, return to work, explain to my boss where I was, phone the college and explain to them. They then insisted we both attend a quick meeting, no if's no buts. So I leave work again, go to get son, go into college and 'have a chat'. i can't argue with college they are now looking at pupils attendance with espect to the coming sept intakes. I have to attend as we signed a contract, with me being the parent/guardian.

So what happens to your daughter if she turns over and falls back to sleep?

milkydrink

As I stated earlier I had to move my daughter at 16 (in the Aug between school & college) & at 17 (in the Aug between level 2 & 3 of her course).
Zoezoe's EXACT PM to me was
"I personally would never do what you did, I would never force her to move with and to leave her life behind".
So we are banging our head against a brick wall here. Her mind is made up, all she wanted was advice on any way around claiming benefits that her daughter may be entitled too, whilst working to keep herself & for her daughter to be able to afford the rent on her Surrey house.

TheWaltons_3

kimevans wrote: »

As I stated earlier I had to move my daughter at 16 (in the Aug between school & college) & at 17 (in the Aug between level 2 & 3 of her course).
Zoezoe's EXACT PM to me was
"I personally would never do what you did, I would never force her to move with and to leave her life behind".
So we are banging our head against a brick wall here. Her mind is made up, all she wanted was advice on any way around claiming benefits that her daughter may be entitled too, whilst working to keep herself & for her daughter to be able to afford the rent on her Surrey house.

Perhaps then ZoeZoe should ask her daughter to post on moneysavingexpert then.. as she's going to need all the help she can get.

zoezoe_3

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

But you have previously posted,
"Have you considered that not all people can stay at home until they are 18 ? Perhaps even if they did their parents would not be able to support them ?

I left home at 16 as I had a child. I was not able to stay at home."

Obviously your parents lived very locally to you, which is quite different from moving to the other end of the country.

Personally I can't see why you don't just tell your daughter that she's moving with you instead of giving her the choice. The fact that she has a college place to go to in Surrey but not in Plymouth sounds as though you've allowed (if not encouraged ) her to make plans to live in the area from which you're planning to move.

As you don't feel this to be a possibility, why not spend the money with which you would be supporting her if she moved to Plymouth to support her in Surrey, rather than throwing her onto her own resources? Although this would not be ideal, it could provide a workable solution which would enable you both to achieve what you wish.

Many years ago, my husband's parents were given the opportunity of moving out of London and being rehoused in one of the new towns. This was an opportunity not to be missed but he'd just finished his "O" levels and wanted to stay at his school to do his "A"s. His parents paid for him to go into lodgings for a couple of years so that everybody could get what they wanted out of the situation. This sort of solution would work for your family as well.

As well as being critical of your plans, many people have been suggesting solutions to your problems. A willingless to look for a better answer might be more convincing of your love for your daughter. There are ways round this but they'll need some sacrifices to be achieved.

I have not made any plans for anybody to be critical of ??? I am literally just exploring our options, I am looking for a better answer, I am looking for a solution. One of the things I need to do is to tell my daughter exactly how much financial help to expect. I did not ask anybody here for any help at all, I dont need it ! Me and my family are doing perfectly well.

You have made so many wrong assumption is your post above, and we are just going round in circles. For the FINAL time, I am not throwing my daughter out and I am not encouraging her to leave, but I will not do is to force her to leave her friends and family behind if she does not want to. In fact I would rather stay here for 2 more years than force her to leave her life behind.

Thiose of you still posting on this thread are clearly just looking for an argument, you know nothing about me and have absilutely no reason to worry about my family, I will do that myself thanks

zoezoe_3

kimevans wrote: »

As I stated earlier I had to move my daughter at 16 (in the Aug between school & college) & at 17 (in the Aug between level 2 & 3 of her course).
Zoezoe's EXACT PM to me was
"I personally would never do what you did, I would never force her to move with and to leave her life behind".
So we are banging our head against a brick wall here. Her mind is made up, all she wanted was advice on any way around claiming benefits that her daughter may be entitled too, whilst working to keep herself & for her daughter to be able to afford the rent on her Surrey house.

I didn't ask for any advice ??!!! I wanted to debate the fact that the EMA is paid to working students living at home but not to those who are not living at home.

I have not made my mind up about anything ???!! I haven't even decided to move. I said I was desperate to move and that we were exploring options (not just those for my daughter but all the other bits that go with a relocations). You and a few others have just made so many assumptions it's not true. The situation is complicated. I cant find a solution at the moment, how on earth do you think YOU will know what is best for me and my family ?

My PM to you was a plea to stop this and you have shown your true colours. I told you how much you were upsetting me and that you were making wrong assumptions. I have been called a bad mum, a neglectful mum and its even been suggested that the social services should be involved !!

At the end of the day I am working with my daughter to work out what to do. I would never force her to come with us, that does not mean that I am presenting her with a very positive argument to follow us. You are talking like I have decided to up and move and leave her behind !! I have never said that, never. And it is not the case. Now as stated above and in my PERSONAL message to you, I am finding this all very upsetting so lets just drop it.

You all think I should either force her to come with me or that I should somehow magic up the money to provide a second home for her. I get that, and thanks for the advice. But neither of these are on my list of options and I thank god that I have taught my daughter to be an independant young woman. I have no doubt that she will come to a sensible decision when presented with the facts

zoezoe_3

pandas66 wrote: »

Can I just tell you of one small incident today!

I received a phonecall at 11.30am asking where my son was.................(I am in work) I said he should be in college in his 1 lesson today....He decided not to bother today! He had 1 lesson to attend for 1 hour but when the alarm went off he turned itoff, turned over and went back to sleep!

So now he misses his EMA for the week, he has a report made on him and I've received a phonecall as I am his 'guardian' still. So I had to explain him! I had to go and find him in bed (!) get him out of bed, have a talk, return to work, explain to my boss where I was, phone the college and explain to them. They then insisted we both attend a quick meeting, no if's no buts. So I leave work again, go to get son, go into college and 'have a chat'. i can't argue with college they are now looking at pupils attendance with espect to the coming sept intakes. I have to attend as we signed a contract, with me being the parent/guardian.

So what happens to your daughter if she turns over and falls back to sleep?

The same as what happens to your son I imagine !! How will he manage for the week ?

I really dont follow your question ??? My daughter doesn't even get EMA !!!

Also I can confidently say that my daughter would never behave in such a way. I certainly dont have to get her up in the morning, she has been doing that herself since she was about 10. I wouldn't dream of *having words* with my daughter at the age of 17, if she wants to waste her life in bed thats fine and I have taught her to understand the consequences of her own behaviour - there is no more valuable lession IMO.

milkydrink

zoezoe wrote: »

My PM to you was a plea to stop this and you have shown your true colours. I told you how much you were upsetting me and that you were making wrong assumptions. I have been called a bad mum, a neglectful mum and its even been suggested that the social services should be involved !!

I said nothing more to you on the subject, but have posted on here to let others know they are wasting their time & effort.


How dare you suggest I am wrong to criticise you for planning to move nearly 300 miles away without your child & then you turn around & criticise me for taking mine.

zoezoe wrote: »

You all think I should either force her to come with me or that I should somehow magic up the money to provide a second home for her.

The former NEVER the latter, I think most of us were just shocked that not only did you think it ok to distance yourself from her in the physical sense (& that would mean a lack of emotional support too) that you also though she could at 16 support herself (& help pay your second mortgage!!!) financially too.

zoezoe_3

kimevans wrote: »

I said nothing more to you on the subject, but have posted on here to let others know they are wasting their time & effort.


How dare you suggest I am wrong to criticise you for planning to move nearly 300 miles away without your child & then you turn around & criticise me for taking mine.



The former NEVER the latter, I think most of us were just shocked that not only did you think it ok to distance yourself from her in the physical sense (& that would mean a lack of emotional support too) that you also though she could at 16 support herself (& help pay your second mortgage!!!) financially too.

I dont think either of us should criticise at all, we should both realise that its none of our business. The choice you made might be right for you but might not be right for me.

I have never mentioned a second mortgage either !! You are just creating a fairy tale.

I dont think my daughter can support herself at 16 and I have NEVER said otherwise but I am not going to provide her with money if she decides to leave home. There have been suggestions on this thread that I shoudl shower her with money but I wont, I am sure she would then think twice about leaving in the first place. This was none of your business and the assumptions that you have all made just plain wrong. Why not stick to the topic ?

I am amussed by how upset you are that I dont agree with your choice, perhaps who can begin to understand how I feel now.

I feel very strongly about dragging my daughter unwillingly with me and I would never consider doing that to her. If I can present her with some agruments for and she changes her mind on her own that is quite a different matter.

Mostly I just think that when people post they should stick to topic and refrain from making assumptions.