Advice before it gets worse, first year student

SlimmingSusan

I have gone back to study after a long time as a very mature student, just turned 49

As I have a chronic mental health condition, and have just had my DSA assessment, I was starting to feel better, but it is as if the course has magnified my family problems, and every time I go there, I love it, then come home and the recent events(look at my other threads), and STILL being a carer for my mother, even though she will never recognise that, is just too much.

My days off should be spent reading, but can never focus,as am so tired looking after everyone else's troubles, needs and demands. Conversely, or perversely, they keep asking me how uni's going as if they expect me to fail- yet again.

I had counseling straight away within uni, and already have had a few issues with attendance, which I have dealt with relevantly, but I do not know how long I can go on like this.

Should I just muddle my way through the year and allow myself to heal, speak to my personal tutor, or grit my teeth and see how far I get without crashing?

I feel very fragile, and love the time at uni, and lectures distract me, I soak up the learning. It's at home where I cannot concentrate.

I have also had some issues with peer bullying on facebook. I reported this, but am feeling I just do not fit in, as I have so much going on. There is a certain element of one module, where it is a group task, and most of the group will do anything to slack, and I'm just getting anxious about it, as I do, but dare not speak up as I have had a lot of abuse from the younger generation, not at uni but in my personal life.

I don't want to withdraw yet, without advice, but need your advice before speaking to anyone at uni.

Daren't even speak to my MH support worker about this, as he is an academic and feel will even be letting him down.

silvercar

I have also had some issues with peer bullying on facebook.

You are the same age as me, I suspect your fellow students are the same age as my son who is at uni now. I have a policy of not having any facebook friends of the younger generation who are not family. I suggest you do the same. Defriend the lot of them and set your privacy settings so only your FB friends can see your posts. When you defriend someone they get no notification that you have done so, but they cannot tag you or link you into groups. If they want/ need to get in touch with you they can text you like non facebook users would.

You need to reset the boundaries, you are a student on a course and are happy to be friendly in uni and discuss work, but you do not want or need to extend your social group.

Good luck!

SlimmingSusan

silvercar wrote: »

You are the same age as me, I suspect your fellow students are the same age as my son who is at uni now. I have a policy of not having any facebook friends of the younger generation who are not family. I suggest you do the same. Defriend the lot of them and set your privacy settings so only your FB friends can see your posts. When you defriend someone they get no notification that you have done so, but they cannot tag you or link you into groups. If they want/ need to get in touch with you they can text you like non facebook users would.

You need to reset the boundaries, you are a student on a course and are happy to be friendly in uni and discuss work, but you do not want or need to extend your social group.

Good luck!

My daughter is also a 3rd yr doing her a dissertation on the same course, daren't tell her I'm feeling like this.

Think the mistake I've made is to try to fit in, and pretend I'm still young :rotfl:

brendon

Well, it sounds like it is the environment you are in is having the most impact on the way you feel -- like you said, you love being at uni but cannot concentrate at home. This problem is not only unique to you -- your physical surroundings play a huge part in the way you feel, and how motivated you are. In your situation, the problems are probably compounded by the stresses of being a carer. Are you able to spend more time at university to read? Even on your days off, would it be possible to travel into uni and spend some time there? Or even other environments away from home (libraries, etc).

Also, try not to burn yourself out. Don't think about uni in terms of getting a good grade in exams. Don't think you need to prove anything to anybody. Like you said, you soak up the learning, so just take things at your own pace.

It's definitely worth speaking to your personal tutor at university -- many students go through similar experiences, and so he might be able to offer some good advice. Also, speaking to your MH worker is probably a good idea -- you are not letting anybody down by asking for help and advice.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks for the advice Silvercar and Brendon. My counselor says I'm not good at asking for help, I feel guilty.

Should I wait till the results of my formative essay are back next week, as my personal tutor happens to be the person marking it. Then they can see if I am ok or not? I know I'm ok with the learning, not so much with everything else.

Also feel I am having obsessive thoughts and have been underdiagnosed.

silvercar

Having a chat with your personal tutor would be a good idea.

Daren't even speak to my MH support worker about this, as he is an academic and feel will even be letting him down.

MH workers won't fell let down, they are there to help you, there is no obligation to make out things are rosy to please them. You wouldn't claim to your GP that the antibiotics worked if they didn't; mental health is the same - if you are not feeling better you have to say.

flea72

Im a mature student too and can understand how you feel. I find younger students can be very dismissive of us older students, but you just have to accept thats their problem not yours and just concentrate on what you need to do. Ive found by year 2 they seem to become a bit more tolerant or should i say accepting

Its your first year, grades dont count, so students are more likely to slack. Dnt worry about others in the group not pulling their weight, theres nothing you can do about it, its life. Some people are just prepared to coasts on the tails of others, eventually they are found out

As for study, like you, my homelife demands get in the way. So i find it easier to tag an extra hour or 2 onto the end of my uni day, rather than using official study days and weekends. That way im still home at a reasonable hour to do tea, etc and means i can give full attention to family on my 'days off', so that way it doesnt seem im prioritising study over them.

Dont think you shouldnt be there. You deserve to be there just as much as the other students and your age has no bearing on it. The lecturers obviously saw something in you, else you wouldnt have been offered a place. If you feel,now isnt the right time for you thats ok, but dont leave just because the other students are ars3s and your family are being selfish

bewildered123

I wonder whether meeting other students in similar positions might help? The university I teach at has a mature students society and a carers support group. I know both organise social activities, but my suspicion is that their most helpful function is allowing their members to exchange experiences and coping strategies. The student union will know what there is and have the contact information.
You definitely should make sure your personal tutor knows how you're feeling. There's lots of support available but we need to know what the problem is. I'd second the advice about trying to find somewhere on campus where you feel comfortable working, if home doesn't work.
Finally, the 18/19 year old first years will improve (or you will learn to identify the nice ones). At the moment, they're desperately trying to fit in themselves and have not got used to being adults yet. If you watch you will be able to watch them visibly growing up over the next few months.

nimbo

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I have gone back to study after a long time as a very mature student, just turned 49

As I have a chronic mental health condition, and have just had my DSA assessment, I was starting to feel better, but it is as if the course has magnified my family problems, and every time I go there, I love it, then come home and the recent events(look at my other threads), and STILL being a carer for my mother, even though she will never recognise that, is just too much.

My days off should be spent reading, but can never focus,as am so tired looking after everyone else's troubles, needs and demands. Conversely, or perversely, they keep asking me how uni's going as if they expect me to fail- yet again.

It can be really hard to 'get into' some of the reading - Personally I try to have a look through the books in the library before taking them out. Some are just not written in a style that I personally enjoy or can engage with. try to find one that at least looks interesting to you as this may help.

I have also fond that I find it easier to wake up 30 - 45 minutes earlier and have a read first thing - it might be worth trying to find a 'better' reading time. (by the evening I can be too tired, and have too much 'stuff' floating round in my head).

I hope your family are really proud of your achievement, and going to uni a big thing so I hope they are interested. (I'm thinking/hoping it's like them asking how was work)...

I had counseling straight away within uni, and already have had a few issues with attendance, which I have dealt with relevantly, but I do not know how long I can go on like this.

Should I just muddle my way through the year and allow myself to heal, speak to my personal tutor, or grit my teeth and see how far I get without crashing?

I feel very fragile, and love the time at uni, and lectures distract me, I soak up the learning. It's at home where I cannot concentrate.

This makes it sound like you may not want to give it up - but only you can answer that question.

If you find it easier to focus at uni would it be possible to pop to the campus library (mine is a 2.5 hour round trip so not a perfect idea - but have you tried the local library - I find mine to be kind of peaceful)...

I have also had some issues with peer bullying on facebook. I reported this, but am feeling I just do not fit in, as I have so much going on.

DEFRIEND them - I never make friends with people I work with (I realize different at uni). They have no right to see what I have been up to, and this does sound like a horrid imature thing to do to you... I know it's not a perfect solution but it will hopefully at least help.

There is a certain element of one module, where it is a group task, and most of the group will do anything to slack, and I'm just getting anxious about it, as I do, but dare not speak up as I have had a lot of abuse from the younger generation, not at uni but in my personal life.

Group tasks can be AWFUL. We had one in the first year and we almost came to all out war. The end presentation included one member who had copied and pasted some information (with no less than 4 words that she couldn't even pronounce, and probably didn't know the meaning of), it involved some peace keeping that our tutor recommended through the member of the group who was pregnant so she couldn't be hurt.... HOWEVER we ended up with a not too shabby 67 overall...

speak out about it - remaining calm, and see what need to be done by each member of the group. you will all get there in the end. The work may end up feeling rushed, and not be done the exact way that you would have wished but different people working different ways...

I don't want to withdraw yet, without advice, but need your advice before speaking to anyone at uni.

Daren't even speak to my MH support worker about this, as he is an academic and feel will even be letting him down.

you won't be letting anyone down.

spend the weekend doing something for you (even if it's a 20 minute bubble bath) have a nice relax. look at the issue afresh when you are more rested, but DO talk to someone (your tutor or MH worker, or even both).

You won't be the first person who will have felt like this, and you won't even be the only person on the course feeling overwhelmed, all of the issues can be overcome if that is what you want to do (at the end of the day both the MH worker and tutor are there to help with this kind of thing - and they will hopefully be great)...

it is hugely stressful to go to uni, and reading beats the best of us... It may be useful to look at the assignments titles, and gear your reading specifically to what you need for these to begin with. It can make it feel like a less daunting task, and that way if you only manage a certain amount, at least i can be utilized at assignment time...

mountainofdebt

Susan

Is the bullying in response to threads you've made or initiated by others?

Personally if its the later then you can hide threads started by others - so in effect you are still friends with them but you can't see their threads.....if its the former then just defriend them.

I have to admit that I find it hard to be friends with some of the younger generation - their attitude annoys me and I find that I have to bite my tongue.

As for spending time doing things for others when you should be spending time doing stuff for you.....well perhaps you need to become a little selfish and !!!!!! what others think

NotSureWhatDayItIs

I've just withdrawn. At 42 I decided to do a STEM degree and continue in electronics (something I've been doing as a job/hobby for some time) so registered and started this year. Although my qualifications more than met the minimum, what I wasn't prepared for was just how much I'd regressed academically over the last couple of decades. It has been 24 years since I did my BTEC and although the first year is effectively the same as I did when I did my BTEC I couldn't remember most of the maths despite getting a 98% passmark when I did my BTEC. I hurriedly struggled to try and effectively teach myself A level maths in a few weeks. Although I answered all of the questions on the first maths assignment it took me about 30 hrs as I found myself having to learn not only how to do the task but some of the things needed to do that task. However none of it sank in and 2 days later you could put my workings out in front of me and I couldn't tell you why I'd done it.

I also found myself struggling quite a lot with the teaching methodology which seems to be "regurgitate from a powerpoint and off you go". They'd teach us something at level 1, give us questions at level 5 to be done for the following lecture and you'd be expected to get yourself from level 1 to level 5 by self teaching. That itself wouldn't be a problem apart from the fact all the reference material and books I read assumes you have knowledge at level 3 which I no longer did. Given that the BTEC I did was taught in the same timescale as year 1 and that they had the time to show you something then show you how to apply it to a problem I don't know why the university don't do that.

Then there was the organisation or lack of it. I'm quite sure it made sense to someone but I found myself doing pointless workshop soldering tests that you would never ever do in the real world which I think the workshop assistants did just to have a laugh at people burning their fingers and there was constantly one thing or another that made no sense such as answers for questions not being the same as what was worked out - didn't you know that 96 was the same as 100? Apparently it is if your professor decides you might as well round it up. All added greatly to my stress levels especially given that the maths was the issue.

From the practical side I was way ahead. I'd complete a 6hr workshop session in just under 2hrs and that only took that long because I slowed down to give my workshop partner time to follow. My problem as my personal tutor said was that I'd done the application and now was learning the theory.

The stress of it all actually made me physically ill - something which has never ever happened in my life and as I said, I was there purely because it was something I wanted to do in something I enjoyed. I decided ultimately that the stress of it wasn't worth it, that sitting there in lectures listening to someone regurgitating powerpoints "just to get my money's worth" was wasting time I could spend teaching myself at home.

I was offered the opportunity to regress to a Foundation Degree which would've solved my problems but decided not to take it. Yes it would sort the maths but the rest of it had very little to do with electronics, being physics and chemistry. Given that I was there purely for reasons of self progression rather than wanting to get a better paid job or start a career I decided the additional £10k of debt wasn't worth it, regardless of whether I'd ultimately pay it or not.

I would like to say that the university offered me a lot of support and a lot of help was there and ultimately I left not because of the lack of support but that why I wanted to go and the reasons for me to continue weren't FOR ME enough to keep me there.

Do I think I've made a mistake leaving? A large part of me does and wonders "what if I'd just stayed that bit longer...."

I do not know your personal circumstances and I don't know if my own relate to them but I would say that if you're happy when you're at university and you love it when you're there to keep going there. Even if you ultimately don't do well at the end of the first year you've had a happy place to go to for that year, one which is a polar opposite to the home situation which sounds like the medicine you need. People asking you how its going is a natural thing people just ask - I got it from my family and friends. As for Facebook, like all things on the internet it is full of people who like to have a go at others who have good news or are doing something for themselves just so they can feel better about their own pitiful lives. The best thing you can do with Facebook is close your account. I can't see anything worthwhile about Facebook anymore and my life became a whole lot better once I got shut of it.

I wasn't happy when I was there and the only thing it did was stress me out more so the decision for me to leave was easier.