Counselling is not doing any good! Not sure what to do.

Anoneemoose

Thank you for all of the replies. I kind of thought it might be cbt but nothing like it. I had cbt previously for pnd and that really helped because I was able to 'do things' for myself and the actual sessions helped me to understand how those actions would be beneficial for me.

It all seems to rest on the tick sheet I have to fill in asking things that seem to be questioning how depressed or anxious I am. As my score isn't high, it appears I am 'fixed'!

I am not greatly depressed or anxious although I have my moments...my meds keep me stable. The crux of the matter is my self esteem and self image lead to perpetual self doubt and unhappiness.

Like I said, I hate so much looking in the mirror (particularly naked) to the point where it reduces me to tears on occasion. It also affects my physical relationship with my hubby because I am always wondering why he fancies me and what he sees in me and I convince myself he is imagining someone else!!!!! I am totally repulsed by my reflection.

All of this leads to me being overly worried about certain scenarios (like the ones mentioned in my other thread).

I think I shall investigate private counselling more and then at least i can 'shop around'!!

louby_lou

absolutely - I have a weekly counsellor and she is a great help - I was originally referred to her via my employee health insurance, however since they would not pay for more than 6 sessions i have stayed on and we agreed a fee amount that would be ok for the both of us.

even fortnightly with some good book recommendations and potentially attending a group session with a fellowship (eg CODA or SLAA if you find you identify with them) might be worth looking into. They are usually only donation based for running fees.

paulineb_2

I had counselling once, when I met with someone who sent me away with tick sheets saying "are you depressed". By the time I left after that first session I felt like I was at rock bottom. I seriously did not want to go home every week and fill in sheets about how depressed or anxious I was.

I knew what was causing my stress, I had experienced it before. I never went back.

I think the problem is, when you are medicated, it does have you on an even keel, or should. Last year when I was going through some stuff, when I filled in the initial checklist I was in a terrible state and I still had to fight for anti depressants. The anti depressants lifted the fog and a few weeks later I had much more motivation and was just getting on with my life.

And now that Im off them, Im still doing ok.

Tbh, when it comes to self esteem, its a really tough one. Ive suffered from low self esteem and low self image in the past related to how I look.
But sometimes, I think some of that fixing has to come from within. A counsellor isnt going to tell me to care about myself, I have to start doing stuff like that for myself and its exhausting to always be in a state of mind where instead of praising yourself for things you do well or something you feel good in, you are always beating yourself up over something.

There are a lot of self help guides out there. And you can get many books and pdfs on CBT online cheaply. Id personally give some self help with CBT a go before you decide to get private counselling.

FBaby

Your first step would be to think through whether you want to learn to love yourself as you are, or change your look to feel better, or both.

Anoneemoose

FBaby wrote: »

Your first step would be to think through whether you want to learn to love yourself as you are, or change your look to feel better, or both.

Definitely both.

I am overweight which isn't helped by my conditions but I honestly felt a whole lot more confident when I lost weight (which I put back on). Ideally though, I would love to be able to truly love myself at any size I suppose!!

I have tried self help books in the past and found them a bit overwhelming...maybe it was the ones I tried, or my approach. I shall investigate some more though.

paulineb_2

I just wanted to post up this link, because when your concerns about your image start interfering with your life, it could be a sign of BDD

If so, there might be some more specialist help you could ask for

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Anoneemoose

paulineb wrote: »

I just wanted to post up this link, because when your concerns about your image start interfering with your life, it could be a sign of BDD

If so, there might be some more specialist help you could ask for

http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/body-dysmorphia/Pages/Introduction.aspx

It is coincidence that the counsellor actually mention this in my consultation session. It does affect my life. We were supposed to be going for a meal at the weekend with my hub's sis, bro, their partners and his parents. I get on generally well with them all and very well with his parents however his sis and also our sis in law are both slim and 'normal' and attractive and I hate hate going out with them because I feel like the fat, ugly one. I never enjoy it.

Anyway it has been cancelled due to sil being poorly and gosh, I am soooo relieved!!

paulineb_2

Anoneemoose wrote: »

It is coincidence that the counsellor actually mention this in my consultation session. It does affect my life. We were supposed to be going for a meal at the weekend with my hub's sis, bro, their partners and his parents. I get on generally well with them all and very well with his parents however his sis and also our sis in law are both slim and 'normal' and attractive and I hate hate going out with them because I feel like the fat, ugly one. I never enjoy it.

Anyway it has been cancelled due to sil being poorly and gosh, I am soooo relieved!!

I cant tell you how sad that last post makes me feel. Ive spoken on several threads about my own body issues. I was two stones heavier than I am right now 5 months ago. And I know youve said that there are reasons that make it tough for you to lose weight.

I spent a lot of my life battling with body confidence issues and other stuff that was going on to the point where in 2011, I went out once. I was bigger this year than I was then. But I forced myself to go out and about. I knew about a year ago that I needed to lose weight.

I did nothing about it, took about another 6 months for something to click, but I can assure you during that time I went on a number of nights out with people of all shapes and sizes who didnt look at me and think, look at the state of her. There were also people on nights out who were probably about four or five stones heavier than I was at my heaviest.

Being overweight doesnt necessarily make you ugly. Ive never thought of myself as ugly even at my biggest. And slim doesnt make you automatically "normal". Even the slimmest most attractive people have their own insecurities and their own issues.

I remember my mum, who has battled to put weight on all her life saying to me in my teens, I wish I had your body shape instead of mine. What she was trying to tell me that my body shape was attractive to her and not unattractive.

And the right counsellor might help you, but some of the moving forward process has to come from you.

You cant put your life on hold until you lose weight again, if you do, the only person who will lose out is you. I do understand, I do know how tough it is.

But somehow, you are going to have to try and accept yourself as you are now, when you lose weight and when you lose even more weight.

Before I lost this two stones (and I have more to go), I had to say to myself, ok, if the weight doesnt ever come off, Im going to have to accept me the way I am. Its made a huge difference.

FBaby

It sounds to me like you would benefit from a multi-disciplinary weight loss programme. My friend had been overweight for ages and suffered from low self esteem as a result (all happened after her husband left her).

6 months ago, her GP said she was officially overweight and referred her to a local programme. She sees a dietician, but also a counsellor who has trained in motivation skills. My friends has learn healthy eating practices, but also learnt to love herself and appreciate who she is. She has not only lost 3 stones by changing her eating habits, but also seems so much better within herself, and not just because of the weight loss. She says it was having both support together than really made the difference as you need to lose weight to feel better, but also need to feel better to be motivated to lose weight.

Anoneemoose

Thanks again. Especially Paulineb for sharing your story.

I have tried so many different approaches to weight loss previously and have never been able to find one I can continue long term. I struggle to exercise as it leaves me so fatigued. (In my head, I want to go swimming as I used to enjoy this) but my body is like, get stuffed!!

I do feel like my life is on hold in way, that sums it up well. I often go through phases where I think "right, this is me - go and get a decent wardrobe and accessories etc" - then I think "what's the point" when I am fat and nothing looks nice so I buy cheap stuff.

My gp isn't great...I was recently diagnosed with Fibro/CFS and she told me just to exercise!!! This is practically impossible! I haven been re: my weight before but she just said we have tried all there is.

I know I need to do the work myself but I honestly don't know where to start...it is like a reflex action, when I look in the mirror, how I feel (badly) is just ingrained if that makes sense.

Do you have a particular approach to your weight loss Paulineb?

Thanks for taking the time to help.