I don't know my own mind....

Dimey

Oh dear S.Cupcake. Take a breath.
You can't run away. You've got the children to consider.

This will get sorted. It just needs a bit of time and you being honest with yourself.

If you truly don't feel you want to stay with your new partner then you have to be straight with yourself and him. Make plans to split in a calm civilised fashion. That won't be the same as being on the end of desertion.

Can you and your new partner get away, just the two of you for a weekend for a heart to heart. Can someone look after the children?

Maybe try a period of you both working at your relationship, with counselling support and if that doesn't improve things then agree to part amicably.

You can live without a partner. Its liberating. But your children need consistency and security in their lives so whichever way you chose, you have to plan with your children's emotional health uppermost in your mind.

duchy

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

So, in a nutshell.....is it time to go it alone? Financially committed, changed locations, joint deposit own this home.....the prospect fills me with dread.........I've just sold my marital home and still have lose ends to tie up with my solicitor....do I knock on his door and say "erm, excuse me.....messed up again and need to start another legal wrangle to get me outta this mess!'

Yes !! (He won't care -he'll just bill you ...it's not his job to judge you)

For goodness sake will you stop making excuses , wishing you lived in another time or wishing for the moon and deal with the here and now.

You are an adult woman responsible for three children.
You perhaps don't make the best choices with men...heck most of us don't at one time or another -it doesn't make you second rate-it makes you human !

Either go back to a man who makes you feel worthless -and one who even his own children don't think treats you well

OR

Stop keeping this new partner at arms length and give your relationship a proper chance to develop and grow without you mooning for your ex and for what might have being in your marriage

OR

Leave your partner - mourn your marriage properly and get some proper therapy to understand why you make less than stellar choices or at the very least feel you have to be with a man to have an identity.Don't date for a year and spend that time building a life you actually like and then and only then start considering what kind of man you'd like to share that life with you.


We all make less than the best choices at times in life - it doesn't make us bad people-what really counts is what we learn from each experience to make the next step better

Dimey

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Or was it my fault he cheated because I didn't give him 100%?

It's taken me a lot of soul searching to forgive myself for my marriage, but the common denominator in this is me........

No, your new partner's infidelity was his own fault, not yours. Just because he could see you were not as committed as he was, doesn't mean he could solve that by having a casual fling with another woman.

There are plenty of immoral men and women around. You are not the common denominator. You just happen to have bumped into a couple. Most people do in a lifetime.

Edit: I take back what I said about your new partner sounding lovely.:-) He doesn't sound so lovely now. No need to cheat.

But according to your children, New Partner is good to you so maybe between you two "damaged with baggage" adults, you can accept each other for who you are and start afresh. If not then keep the split civilised so you don't damage each other (and the children) further.

duchy

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Or was it my fault he cheated because I didn't give him 100%?

It's taken me a lot of soul searching to forgive myself for my marriage, but the common denominator in this is me........

Maybe that was HIS cry for help to get your attention ....or to see if you even cared he was kissing someone else ? Would it be fair to say YOU were emotionally unavailable to him ? In a similar way your ex was to you ?

Yes You are the common denominator - but we are changed by our experiences..... You were changed by your marriage braking up, you were changed by living with a man who isn't " emotionally unavailable" and who according to your kids is noticably nicer to you.

Whatever you choose to do next be it go or stay will change you..... we don't stay the same we are the sum of our life experiences good and bad ....but we get to choose whether we take positives or negatives from those experiences forward with us.

paulineb_2

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Ok....I never mentioned this earlier because I didn't want to muddy the waters.....but my new partner hadn't exactly been honest with me neither!

In the first year we were together, there were 2 other women....I found out this once we had bought our house and moved in together. I caught him kissing another woman outside a local bar when I was out picking up my son from the cinema.

Yes, I hear you say......what is it about me that attracts men that can't stay faithful?

So, here I was....or should I say am.....why can't people just be honest? I definitely think I was born in the wrong generation.....I don't think my grandparents would have behaved like that!

Anyways....to cut a long story short.....my new partner said 'he wasn't feeling a whole lotta love from me' and this is why he went away with other women. Full of apologies....it'll never happen again....but here I am....egg on my face again.

Yip, I shake my head at myself as well......

But you chose to stay with him after that. Sorry, but I think you are now just looking for excuses to get out of the second relationship. And its ok if you want to. Also, do you honestly think people in years gone by didnt have terrible relationships? I bet they did, the difference is more women were trapped because they didnt have the means to leave.

duchy

paulineb wrote: »

But you chose to stay with him after that. Sorry, but I think you are now just looking for excuses to get out of the second relationship. And its ok if you want to. Also, do you honestly think people in years gone by didnt have terrible relationships? I bet they did, the difference is more women were trapped because they didnt have the means to leave.

So a year after he cheated on you ...... you both wanted to continue .....and was everything fine until your ex started to play mind games with you ?

If staying with your partner is a bad idea because he cheated on you in the past.....why is returning to your ex despite the fact he too cheated on you a consideration ?

justme111

I don't have an awfull lot of sympathy, op.
What you have is a consequence of your choices.
I could have.benefitted from having someone else in my household paying mortgage and bills but I do it alone. I could do with some company in all senses , I still chose not to because I have not met someone who would have.made my heart leap. You got the benefits from being with someone , you made your choicr so take rough with smooth.