I don't know my own mind....

JoW123

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Hello all, and thank you so much for your replies.

I've been having a good think, and I think, or should I say I KNOW that for months/years, I blamed myself for the breakdown of my marriage. It's been a long hard road to forgiving myself and perhaps seeing that it wasn't all my fault. I know some of it was, but not it all, and I've got to keep reminding myself of that.

I read an article a few weeks ago about emotionally unavailable men, and most of the points applied to my ex husband.

Maybe I'm not suppose to be with my current partner neither? I know that most of you will think I'm a selfish cow for saying that....he has taken on another mans children, set up a home with me.....but I genuinely hoped it would work out, and it was never my intention to hurt him or use him. Like I've said before, I would rather hurt myself than another human being.

What is wrong with me though? Why can't I be happy with what I've got?.....because I know for fact in a few months time if I leave my new partner, whoever he meets in the future will be lucky to have met him. And I know I'll regret it, but I can't be happy in the moment.....

Why am I so messed up? I went to my doctor this morning and she has signed my off work for a month. I came home and went back to my bed....just got up and got a house to tidy before the kids come home from school.....45 mins? No chance! Xx

Because you moved onto the new relationship without doing any of the really difficult, hard, painful work of coming to terms with what had happened and what your ex husband is really like. You haven't had night after night sat on your own with no-one to care for you to come to terms with it. I'm not blaming you, I would have done the same if I had the chance. However, its all come back to bite you now. The problem is you are in danger of throwing it all away. You need to take time to work through all this. Maybe you do need to be on your own but like the others say, there are 3 children and a man to consider who will also be hurt possibly very badly. Then when you are sat on your own you may realise what you've thrown away.

You're going round in circles now because you are focussing entirely on your needs and wants, and you don't really know what they are!! Take a step back and think about the children and your current partner. Focus on them and give yourself time for things to become clearer.

paulineb_2

I think if you leave your partner or he leaves you and he meets someone else, you'll realise what youve lost

As I said, Ive been where you are minus the kids and marriage but went back to someone who was emotionally distant and in fact horrible, because I loved him. And I dont regret it.

But it didnt work out and I also learned its ok to still care about someone and love them even years on even if they havent been great to you. Sometimes we want to give things a second go because we want that happy ending

All I can think of right now, if you go back to ex hubby, regardless of whether you stay with your partner, it will all end in tears

Theres a saying about not changing their spots, its so so true.

You arent messed up, but please dont allow a ratbag to mess up your future, hes not a nice guy, hes already shown this to you.

Take the rose tinted specs off and get on with your life even if you have to be single.

I bet hes not beating himself up and getting upset over you, in fact I could almost guarantee it. Its just a game to him, if he really did love you, hed be saying it.

paulineb_2

Your ex might not want you, but he doesnt want anyone else to have you.
Thats what my ex was like. He was fine for almost a year when I was single, the minute I met someone, he couldnt handle it

Please see him for what he is, a not very nice person, he'll be a part of your kids lives, but he certainly doesnt need to be part of yours

Im really sorry for you, because I know what its like to be torn between two people, but I feel sorrier for your partner. You owe it to him to make a decision one way or another and if you lose and end up with neither of them, im afraid thats the way it will be, you'll be ok whatever happens

You cant predict the future, but you really need to do what makes you happy, happy being the operative word and I dont think your ex husband will ever make you happy

Emotionally unavailable, not attracted to you, why would you want to spend your life with someone like that. Id be running for the hills.

paulineb_2

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Yes, thank you...I hear what you are saying. Yes, I certainly did jump in too soon....I wish I'd just met my current partner now, 2 years down the line.

I asked my children at the tea table tonight if they like living in their new home with my new partner....their reply was a resounding YES! My eldest daughter started speaking about their dad, and I broached the subject of our separation....they all agreed they wouldn't like to go back to their old life....I asked why and my son said it was because my new partner was nicer to me than their dad was.

So, is that for my benefit or theirs? I would hate for them to just say that because they are thinking only of my happiness....I pushed them further but they never said much more....

I probably have this notion that there is nothing nicer than a mother, father and their own children....sometimes when the going gets tough here, and one off the kids are playing up, I feel awkward because my new partner is having to listen to somebody else's children misbehaving. I just feel anxious, and at the back of my mind think....'well if that was their dad, he maybe wouldn't mind so much but it's not their dad and he shouldn't have to deal with my children'.

How do I overcome that? How do I start to feel comfortable with another man as a father figure in my home? Goodness me, I'm a mixed up cookie! :-( xx

But you havent met your new partner 2 years down the line, your life is as it is

For goodness sake, youve been living with your new man, youve bought a home with him, the last thing you need to be worrying about is about him being a father figure to your kids, whats more important right now is whether you want to be with him full stop, he deserves better than to be messed around, your kids dont need to be confused and you also need to know what you are doing with your life

If your ex hadnt crashed on the scene, I bet you would all have been getting on with it without all this soul searching.

HPoirot

I agree that there is too much soul searching. As for your children, they wouldn't be saying it just for your sake, they are children and they will be happy wherever they feel secure. If your partner gives them that feeling of security because he is nice to you, why are you searching for other meanings behind their words? Having said that, if you are always going to put a barrier between your partner and your kids then you might want to set him free now.

paulineb_2

If you dont love your new partner and want out, leave, or ask him to leave.

Dont dress it all up with the Im not sure I want a father figure to my kids, its not about that, this is about an ex who wasnt that good to you, seeing you with someone else and he has no one and he cant stand it, no more and no less.

Hes with you because he loves you and you come as part of a package, he accepts that

You may have this old fashioned romantic notion of being married for life but your ex didnt, he went off with someone else

And you can only be a mixed up cookie for so long, at some stage your new partner will probably decide that this isnt for him and you'll be either back with your ex and on your own. And thats ok, if either of those things are what you want.

Your heartstrings are being tugged, what you are feeling is natural, but youve been with this new partner for some time, all it takes is for your ex to turn up and you arent sure?

If you dont love him and cant see a future with him then split and then decide what to do.

But dont keep him hanging on too long, he deserves better. Hes the third wheel in all of this and he didnt ask to be involved in a situation where your ex landed back on the scene and you dont know what to do

I think you need to make a decision soon and if it turns out to be the wrong one in hindsight, all you can do is go with how you feel.

justme111

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Yes, thank you...I hear what you are saying. Yes, I certainly did jump in too soon....I wish I'd just met my current partner now, 2 years down the line.

I asked my children at the tea table tonight if they like living in their new home with my new partner....their reply was a resounding YES! My eldest daughter started speaking about their dad, and I broached the subject of our separation....they all agreed they wouldn't like to go back to their old life....I asked why and my son said it was because my new partner was nicer to me than their dad was.

So, is that for my benefit or theirs? I would hate for them to just say that because they are thinking only of my happiness....I pushed them further but they never said much more....

I probably have this notion that there is nothing nicer than a mother, father and their own children....sometimes when the going gets tough here, and one off the kids are playing up, I feel awkward because my new partner is having to listen to somebody else's children misbehaving. I just feel anxious, and at the back of my mind think....'well if that was their dad, he maybe wouldn't mind so much but it's not their dad and he shouldn't have to deal with my children'.

How do I overcome that? How do I start to feel comfortable with another man as a father figure in my home? Goodness me, I'm a mixed up cookie! :-( xx

I reckon it may be because you know you shortchanging your present partner , and not by having kids around ...

JoW123

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Yes, thank you...I hear what you are saying. Yes, I certainly did jump in too soon....I wish I'd just met my current partner now, 2 years down the line.

I asked my children at the tea table tonight if they like living in their new home with my new partner....their reply was a resounding YES! My eldest daughter started speaking about their dad, and I broached the subject of our separation....they all agreed they wouldn't like to go back to their old life....I asked why and my son said it was because my new partner was nicer to me than their dad was.

So, is that for my benefit or theirs? I would hate for them to just say that because they are thinking only of my happiness....I pushed them further but they never said much more....

I probably have this notion that there is nothing nicer than a mother, father and their own children....sometimes when the going gets tough here, and one off the kids are playing up, I feel awkward because my new partner is having to listen to somebody else's children misbehaving. I just feel anxious, and at the back of my mind think....'well if that was their dad, he maybe wouldn't mind so much but it's not their dad and he shouldn't have to deal with my children'.

How do I overcome that? How do I start to feel comfortable with another man as a father figure in my home? Goodness me, I'm a mixed up cookie! :-( xx

He's the father figure because he is there, caring for them. Your ex is not because he cleared off with someone else!! You are ashamed because your marriage broke up. I get that. You have to accept in your head that your ideal life is not the one that you have now. You can grieve for that but then you also have to realise that you can have a good life which is different to the ideal one you have created of father, mother and their own children. I'm sure there are many people on here who have brought up by lovely, kind people who were not biologically related to them. If your ideal were true everyone who was brought up by adopted parents, foster parents, step parents etc would be living a second rate life. If you can't get past these thoughts then you will keep struggling.

spender

Unfortunately it is the classic case of people leaving partners for the person they have an affair with and that relationship breaks down. Most affair relationships do not last long term. You still have feelings because he left you and you were left shocked and wishing that he realised his mistake and wanted to come back (which is what he is doing, a lot of people who divorce/separate because of an affair regret this). He obviously can not be on his own hence the sniffing around you (sorry to be blunt) and he properly does not like the fact that you have made a new life.

Time is a great healer but you have to give time a chance to heal. You will stop regretting your ex partner leaving and you will stop dreaming of him. Let him remain a fantasy because you know reality does not mirror the fantasy.

Whether you stay with your new partner is another issue you will have to deal with but good for you for moving on.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Yes, thank you...I hear what you are saying. Yes, I certainly did jump in too soon....I wish I'd just met my current partner now, 2 years down the line.

I probably have this notion that there is nothing nicer than a mother, father and their own children....

If you had met him now, down the line - what would be different about your meetings with your ex?

Anyway - my comment about 'this notion that there is nothing nicer than a mother, father and their own children' would be, that's great but when one parent is emotionally bankrupt or distant just exactly how green and pleasant is this land that you are imagining? You are making up happy memories to justify your decision to get back with your ex who you tell us was 'emotionally unavailable'. Bizarre that you are fixating on him all the time. Have you got some sort of victim mentality?

Eta: the guy takes on all 3 of your kids, and you have the gall to do on dates with your ex. How rude.