I don't know my own mind....

marisco_2

maintenanceman wrote: »

He is playing a clever game and hats off to him I wish I was that clever to leave someone and still have them interested in me after I had dumped them with children. That really takes something.

The ex is playing a nasty game, not a clever one. The happiness and security of 3 young children are at risk here, something neither of their parents seem to be focussed on at all. He has kept the OP interested in him because she is gullible and easily manipulated. Something he will have recognised in her when he met her. You don't manage to keep someone in a relationship with you, whilst being emotionally unavailable to them and letting them lead a lonely life with you otherwise. He doesn't possess any special traits or skills. He just knows how to use people and dumps them as soon as he grows bored and wants more excitement.

tinkerbell28

You've got to take a step back and try and think of this rationally. I would for one, stop the dates with the ex.

I would also go as far to even suggest, for now he contacts the new partner if he needs to contact you about the kids, out of set access times.

The ex never bothered speaking to you before, when his mistress is on the scene, so he can do that now.

You need your head clear from him.

The guy cheated on you and left you and the kids without a backwards glance. Only now he isn't getting his clothes washed, dinner cooked, and sexual needs serviced, is he interested again.

He never really loved you, or found you sexually attractive. He wants you back, for the kids, not you. Then of course all the domestic services which follow you.

Only when you get clear of him will you be able to focus on the life you have now. If you get back with him, you'll be subjecting your children to 3 broken households. Marriage, partner and marriage again. As he will do it again.

If you decide you truely never loved this man you are with now. You need to do the fair thing on all of you and let him go. THEN spend time on your OWN. You don't need men to live. You'll then stop yourself from dragging anyone else into the mess again and you'll save more heartache going back to someone who loves you.

I still think what you've done to your partner, is pretty much what your ex did to you, know matter how it's dressed up.

Dimey

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

Op, look up the term "emotional affair".

You know affairs don't start with sex and swinging from the chandeliers right? In most cases.

Usually the process is much more subtle, you find yourself detaching from your current partner (which you have). You then start fantasising of a life with this person, sneaking off to meet them, waiting on a text like a love struck teenager.

An affair doesn't have to be sex, to affect a relationship. The most damage is done for couples. When the partner starts investing emotionally in the other person more than their own spouse/partner.

What you've described is an affair, just no sex yet. You love someone else.

So no you're not being fair on your partner.

My advice, would be to snap out of it quickly and decide what it is you want. At the moment, you've got you cake and eating it.

You've got the security of a family unit, but you've got the thrill of meeting your "love" the ex and hanging on tenterhooks for his texts.

Your ex is sniffing around because his ex which he left you and the kids for has gone.

The new guy? Well there is only so long a person will play second fiddle and be made to feel like the third person in a relationship.

So he might make the decision for you and end it. Only then I think, will you know if it is right for you to be on your own, or if you've made a mistake. In that you do love this guy and your ex was nostalgia clouding your judgement.

Then it will be too late. As it stands at the moment, you don't need to make a decision. You get the fuzzy excitement with the ex, and your new partner is tolerating it.....for now.

Tinkerbell 28's observation is exactly the way I read your situation too, OP. I agree with all the posts since. And I can see you are thinking sensibly too.

If you realise going back to your ex is not the wise option, then you have two choices. To stay with your new partner, who loves you and the children and make a go of it or to leave and build your own single life with the children.

Of course the children will then have two men to meet - father and step father.

If you decide to try with your new partner then get some individual and couples counselling to help you put your wish for an ideal married life behind you and help you live in the reality of today as it is. Its possible that once you put your old life behind you, you might find that you already have that ideal life with your new partner and you've just been blind to it through grief.

HPoirot

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

You've got to take a step back and try and think of this rationally. I would for one, stop the dates with the ex.

I would also go as far to even suggest, for now he contacts the new partner if he needs to contact you about the kids, out of set access times.

The ex never bothered speaking to you before, when his mistress is on the scene, so he can do that now.

You need your head clear from him.

The guy cheated on you and left you and the kids without a backwards glance. Only now he isn't getting his clothes washed, dinner cooked, and sexual needs serviced, is he interested again.

He never really loved you, or found you sexually attractive. He wants you back, for the kids, not you. Then of course all the domestic services which follow you.

Only when you get clear of him will you be able to focus on the life you have now. If you get back with him, you'll be subjecting your children to 3 broken households. Marriage, partner and marriage again. As he will do it again.

If you decide you truely never loved this man you are with now. You need to do the fair thing on all of you and let him go. THEN spend time on your OWN. You don't need men to live. You'll then stop yourself from dragging anyone else into the mess again and you'll save more heartache going back to someone who loves you.

I still think what you've done to your partner, is pretty much what your ex did to you, know matter how it's dressed up.

^^^^^^^ spot on

duchy

The key phrase to look at perhaps is respect

This man has no respect for you based on his treatment of you during the marriage -left you feeling lonely and sexually unattractive ..... then lied to you about his affair (s) ..........then left you ............was "cold and blunt" when speaking to you when he HAD to deal with you about the kids and now expects you to come running back to him not because he can't live without you and knows he made a terrible mistake but simply because he fancies playing happy families for now (and no reassurances that he won't sod off again).

Neither have the respect for your children to consider what this is doing to them (in fact there has been surprisingly little mentioned about the children at all)

Neither of you think your partner's feelings are of any account. This man has taken on you and your children -has committed financially and emotionally to building a family .....and you both regard him as disposable. You seem to trust him unconditionally -yet what is all this doing to his trust in you ?

The practicalities is you've owned this house for such a short period there is likely to be a financial loss. Will you take the hit or do you expect your partner or ex to do so ?

Why would you consider returning to a man who doesn't share your belief in marriage. Love, honour, cherish, in good times and bad ....he has done none of these and has offered no indication he intends to change...... Next time he leaves he'll tell you "I told you it was just for the children - You returned knowing this so you have no right to complain"
You talked about how badly the first split affected you - how much worse would it be a second time? Maybe that's his plan that he wants custody...who knows , the man is a grade one manipulator.

You talk as if you have two choices your ex or your partner .......why is the third option of living alone with your children apparently not on the table? Choosing to live without a man is very different to having it forced on you in the manner your ex did. Not forever -just until you discover who you are and what you really want to make you happy.

I don't know what sort of counselling you are having but either you've not been honest enough with the counselor for them to help you ...or you need a new one ! Would you consider showing this thread to them to show them where you are and where you are "stuck" ?

People have being tough on you ..... to try and get you to step away and see what a self destructive path you are on but only you can change the direction !

FBaby

It sounds like you need to clarify your feelings and emotions. Is it your husband you are longing for, the life you had together as a family, or the status of being a married woman. You really need to differentiate the three so you can get a better idea of why you are hanging on to him. You need to do the same with your new man. It is clear that you don't feel committed to him. Why? Is it because of him as a person, or that he can't offer you the family life you aspire to?

Once you are clear as to what it is you are after, you will be able to get a better idea of the decisions you need to make.

justme111

If I was in a position of your new man I would have dropped you by now. Mind , if I was in his position I would not have got on with you while it is written all over you you dreaming about demeaning life with an ex who has not been ever attracted to you. I doubt he will be able to function with you properly though as your relationship probably will not recover from the blow of you not wanting him.

sassyblue

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Exactly! Why do I long for an emotionally unavailable man to love me???

Gee whiz I'm a freak!

Thanks for the replies....they are helping....if only to make me realise I seriously need to sort myself out :-(

To put it simply l think you are still grieving the loss of your marriage, you know what your ex did, you know what he's like but you can't help yourself.

Are you happy with your current partner? Are you happy you're living together? There's a start......

dancingfairy

To be honest it sounds like you are still grieving for your marriage. I don't know how long you were together (obviously quite a while if you had 3 kids) so it is understandable it will take you a long time to get over it.
2 years is not that long to get over a failed marriage (especially if you have been together 10+) years. It is a grieving process (and it sounds like you haven't had time to really process it all before things happened with your new partner).
Only you know whether you really love your partner or whether you actually just love having someone treat you well and appreciate you and all the other things - financial security, someone to look after the kids etc etc. It's hard to seperate it all out.
If you didn't have kids I'd say take some time out, maybe a short break, go stay with family or friends etc. Maybe take a break and see how things progressed. It is however much much harder to walk away and do this with kids I'm sure.
I think some counselling may well help you.
Best of Luck

df

justme111

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Hello all, and thank you so much for your replies.

I've been having a good think, and I think, or should I say I KNOW that for months/years, I blamed myself for the breakdown of my marriage. It's been a long hard road to forgiving myself and perhaps seeing that it wasn't all my fault. I know some of it was, but not it all, and I've got to keep reminding myself of that.

I read an article a few weeks ago about emotionally unavailable men, and most of the points applied to my ex husband.

Maybe I'm not suppose to be with my current partner neither? I know that most of you will think I'm a selfish cow for saying that....he has taken on another mans children, set up a home with me.....but I genuinely hoped it would work out, and it was never my intention to hurt him or use him. Like I've said before, I would rather hurt myself than another human being.

What is wrong with me though? Why can't I be happy with what I've got?.....because I know for fact in a few months time if I leave my new partner, whoever he meets in the future will be lucky to have met him. And I know I'll regret it, but I can't be happy in the moment.....

Why am I so messed up? I went to my doctor this morning and she has signed my off work for a month. I came home and went back to my bed....just got up and got a house to tidy before the kids come home from school.....45 mins? No chance! Xx

I do not see it as anything wrong with you. I believe what you going through is absolutely normal x x