I don't know my own mind....

Strawberry_cupcake

..........

Softasputty

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Hi all.

I don't really know how to start explaining my situation....it's all a bit of a mess really.

My ex husband left me and our 3 children 2 years ago and started a new relationship with another woman (claimed it wasn't an affair...they were just chatting before he left??). I completely fell to pieces and was unable to function properly for months. I met another man, who was a welcome distraction at the time, and to cut a long story short, my family home was sold and myself and my new partner bought a new home together. We moved in 18 months after my ex husband left, and have been living together for 6 months.

So, what's the problem you might ask? Here it is........

I've struggled every day with my separation....I dream about my ex husband...I look every day for a positive email/text from him...I've hoped and prayed for a miracle that someday he would waken up and miss his family. I've been to my doctor and have been prescribed anti depressants, but nothing helps how I'm feeling. I've had 2 months of counselling, and this has helped me realise a few things.....but I still have this terrible anxiety over the separation.

My ex husband is an emotionally unavailable man....he always has been and it was a lonely life living with him. My new partner is the opposite....so why do I long for the life I used to have?

My ex's new relationship broke down a couple of months ago, and since then, we have went out for a couple of meals together with our children. He has hinted that he'd like us to get back together again....I asked him why and he just said 'for the sake of our family'.

I feel like I'm going mad inside....I have a nice life with my new partner, but why can't I settle? What is wrong with me? Why do I long for a man who never let me into his heart...why do I dream about him and feel anxious to the point where I can't function properly?

I just don't know my own mind. My heart says save my family, but my head says I'd be going back to a life with someone who I don't really know if he loves me?

I envy people who can made decisions and are positive and know where they're going in life. I struggle getting through each day and have been like that for 2 years now.

Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post xxx

Letting go of your ex is very difficult as you have 3 children with him. This naturally ties you to him emotionally. You went through a lot together and you rushed very quickly into a new relationship.

I would be cautious of doing anything before you have addressed your own emotional needs. Your ex sounds like he is playing games with you. His relationship has ended and he needs you again.

We always want what we can't have.

HPoirot

Sorry not much advice here, but it seems what you need is closure? You were dealt a hard blow when he left, and I suspect that deep down you have still not got over the shock and still not accepted that you can live a fulfilled, happy life without him being in it? You need to love yourself and your life now more than the family that you were part of back then, if that makes sense? Worth exploring with some more counselling in my opinion. HTH x

Mojisola

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

I completely fell to pieces and was unable to function properly for months. I met another man, who was a welcome distraction at the time, and to cut a long story short, my family home was sold and myself and my new partner bought a new home together. We moved in 18 months after my ex husband left, and have been living together for 6 months.

HPoirot wrote: »

Sorry not much advice here, but it seems what you need is closure?

You were dealt a hard blow when he left, and I suspect that deep down you have still not got over the shock and still not accepted that you can live a fulfilled, happy life without him being in it?

You need to love yourself and your life now more than the family that you were part of back then, if that makes sense? Worth exploring with some more counselling in my opinion. HTH x

I agree with Poirot - it sounds as if you went straight into your new relationship before you had time to deal with the break-up.

I wouldn't have any more joint trips out with the ex and your children. That's confusing for everyone.

Why would you break up with your current partner to go back to someone who broke up his family?

danih

Your ex husband has left you once. Some men just don't have the strength to cope with the long term responsibilities of 3 children, and the daily demands that come with that. They will only cope for so long before they seek out an alternative that places less demands on them. This is beyond your control. Don't take him back. In my opinion its unlikely that he will stay for long. Leaving again will do further damage to your children.

My father is like this. He couldn't cope at home, couldn't manage to be a good parent day to day, and my parents broke up when i was 10. However, we get on very well now. He is a much better parent at a distance. He isn't a bad man - I'm sure your ex isn't either.

Be strong!

Guest101

On a practical level if you decide to return to your ex, you've shown him that you'll always 'be there', you think he was cheating before you split. If so there's a good chance he will now.

Ask yourself 3 things:

1: what's changed now?

2: Do you want to be 'in a relationship' for the sake of your family

3: if your new partner a better partner/(step) father?

JoW123

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

Hi all.

I don't really know how to start explaining my situation....it's all a bit of a mess really.

My ex husband left me and our 3 children 2 years ago and started a new relationship with another woman (claimed it wasn't an affair...they were just chatting before he left??). I completely fell to pieces and was unable to function properly for months. I met another man, who was a welcome distraction at the time, and to cut a long story short, my family home was sold and myself and my new partner bought a new home together. We moved in 18 months after my ex husband left, and have been living together for 6 months.

So, what's the problem you might ask? Here it is........

I've struggled every day with my separation....I dream about my ex husband...I look every day for a positive email/text from him...I've hoped and prayed for a miracle that someday he would waken up and miss his family. I've been to my doctor and have been prescribed anti depressants, but nothing helps how I'm feeling. I've had 2 months of counselling, and this has helped me realise a few things.....but I still have this terrible anxiety over the separation.

My ex husband is an emotionally unavailable man....he always has been and it was a lonely life living with him. My new partner is the opposite....so why do I long for the life I used to have?

My ex's new relationship broke down a couple of months ago, and since then, we have went out for a couple of meals together with our children. He has hinted that he'd like us to get back together again....I asked him why and he just said 'for the sake of our family'.

I feel like I'm going mad inside....I have a nice life with my new partner, but why can't I settle? What is wrong with me? Why do I long for a man who never let me into his heart...why do I dream about him and feel anxious to the point where I can't function properly?

I just don't know my own mind. My heart says save my family, but my head says I'd be going back to a life with someone who I don't really know if he loves me?

I envy people who can made decisions and are positive and know where they're going in life. I struggle getting through each day and have been like that for 2 years now.

Any advice/opinions would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time to read my post xxx

You have said 'I met a man who was a welcome distraction at the time'. You haven't said 'I met a man who I fell hopelessly in love with'. You've moved in together after 18 months so I'm not sure how soon after your ex leaving you met the new man?? I suspect that you really haven't come to terms with what happened and properly grieved for the end of your previous relationship. I have been apart from the father of my children for 4 years and I can honestly say it took me 3 years to come to terms with it and process things in my mind. This was with no relationship since to take into consideration.

You go out for tea with your ex and children and in your head you want everything to go back to how it was before his affair. You wonder if its possible because you haven't really moved on. I agree with the others that its completely the wrong thing to do. I think you need to continue trying to process what happened at the time. You don't have to make any decisions now. You don't have to give your ex any sort of answer. You owe him nothing and he has no right to ask. Take time to think about things, really think about things. It will be painful and you will want it all to be settled but in the long run it will benefit you.

FBaby

I really feel for you. You clearly still have feelings for your ex husband. It's understandable if at the time he left, you were not questioning your relationship and thought you were happy, even if there were some issues. It is also totally natural to want to have your family together. On the other hand, you have been betrayed and hurt and you are more secure in this new relationship.

It is such a difficult situation. On one hand you could all go back to what you used to have and make it even better if your ex had really learnt from what he has done (some do), on the other hand, he might not have changed at all and you will only find out later, when you realise what you have given up.

Whatever you do, you know you will need to make a decision at some point soon. You can't continue to meet your ex either behind your partner's back or under false pretense. No-one can really tell you which is best because no-one knows you, your current partner nor your ex. All you can do is imagine each situation and avoid the one that would seem to be the worse long term.

prowla

Decide what you want, not what you think you should do.

paulineb_2

Nostalgia and rose tinted specs have a lot to answer for and I know it must be hard when you have kids, but Ive done the same, gone back to someone who was emotionally cold and he promised it would be different next time, it wasnt, it was worse.

I dont have kids, but I would say dont let old feelings cloud your judgement, he was awful to you once and he could be again and that would hurt your kids twice over

Also coming back for the kids isnt good enough. I would suspect his new woman has dumped him and he cant cope being on his own.

Its ok still to have feelings for an ex, but you have moved on.

Funky_Bold_Ribena

Strawberry_cupcake wrote: »

I look every day for a positive email/text from him...I've hoped and prayed for a miracle that someday he would waken up and miss his family....He has hinted that he'd like us to get back together again....I asked him why and he just said 'for the sake of our family'.

a - how often have you actually had a positive text or email from him in the 2 years since?
b - note - he didn't say he missed you all; he said 'for the sake of'...it just means he likes to have his cake and eat it. He just wants to get his feet under the table again until the next one comes along.

Don't let him suck you in again.