I don't know my own mind....

paulineb_2

Funky_Bold_Ribena wrote: »

a - how often have you actually had a positive text or email from him in the 2 years since?
b - note - he didn't say he missed you all; he said 'for the sake of'...it just means he likes to have his cake and eat it. He just wants to get his feet under the table again until the next one comes along.

Don't let him suck you in again.

I agree

Completely.

sulkisu

It doesn't have to be a stark choice between your ex and your current partner. There are other options, such as being on your own for a while and rediscovering who you are and what you really want. It doesn't sound as if either man is right for you!

tinkerbell28

Several things.

One, you never gave yourself time to grieve the loss of the marriage you had. You jumped into a relationship without allowing yourself to properly process the break up. So mixed reactions are normal.

Two, he is sniffing around again, because his affair broke up. Man leaves wife for woman he was in contact with before leaving, it was an affair. Now that's gone belly up, he wants you back. He is obviously the type someone is better than no one.

He messed up, so wants back in. Do you want to be 2nd best? Until the next one comes along? He's only interested now his bit on the side has gone.

Three, you're being wholly unfair to your new partner. You're doing to him, what your ex partner did to you.

Your heart is somewhere else, you dream and fantasise about the life you want with someone else, you wait eagerly for any text. Going out for cosy meals and talks of a relationship. Don't fool yourself that because the kids are there, and it is "for the sake of the kids". That it isn't the same. You're thinking and fantasising with running off with this man as "your heart says save the family".

It's what he did to you, which now you want to do to your partner. I'd tell him. He's made a massive financial commitment to you, he also has stepchildren which he will be contributing to, emotionally and financially.

Stringing him along is not good.

Dimey

I'd say you are in danger of doing to your new partner, what your ex did to you.

You are meeting your ex behind your partner's back and you are emotionally detached from your partner.

You moved in with your new partner way too soon- before you'd finished grieving for your first marriage. You probably don't love him. But as you say he's a decent man, he deserves to be treated decently. You've committed to him so try to see it through and certainly don't cheat on him.

I'd say absolutely no point flirting with your ex via lunches nor getting back together. Your ex clearly does not love you. He left you and his children without a second thought. He stayed away a long time. It's only now he's at a loose end that he's playing with you again and massaging his ego.

Shake yourself down and either commit to your partner as is your moral duty or leave and be on your own until you know yourself and don't need the nearest available man to feel complete. Set your children a better example that you can be a strong person in your own right. Avoid the ex husband like the plague. He'll be repeating this love 'em and leave 'em behaviour for a long time to come.

Your new partner sounds lovely. I hope you don't let him down.

fabforty

Dimey wrote: »

I'd say you are in danger of doing to your new partner, what your ex did to you.

You are meeting your ex behind your partner's back and you are emotionally detached from your partner.

You moved in with your new partner way too soon- before you'd finished grieving for your first marriage. You probably don't love him. But as you say he's a decent man, he deserves to be treated decently. You've committed to him so try to see it through and certainly don't cheat on him.

I'd say absolutely no point flirting with your ex via lunches nor getting back together. Your ex clearly does not love you. He left you and his children without a second thought. He stayed away a long time. It's only now he's at a loose end that he's playing with you again and massaging his ego.

Shake yourself down and either commit to your partner as is your moral duty or leave and be on your own until you know yourself and don't need the nearest available man to feel complete. Set your children a better example that you can be a strong person in your own right. Avoid the ex husband like the plague. He'll be repeating this love 'em and leave 'em behaviour for a long time to come.

Your new partner sounds lovely. I hope you don't let him down.

I have to disagree with these lines. She has no moral duty to stay with her current partner, but she has a duty to be honest with him and to herself, even if that means leaving him.

Likewise, staying with him because she doesn't want to 'let him down', is a big mistake and unfair on both of them. He deserves a woman who loves him unreservedly and is with him for no other reason than she wants to be. It doesn't sound like that to me. Treating him decently might mean stepping back and letting him go. He might sound like a wonderful man to the rest of us, but something is clearly lacking if OP is still being drawn to another man - especially a man who has crapped on her before.

tinkerbell28

fabforty wrote: »

I have to disagree with these lines. She has no moral duty to stay with her current partner, but she has a duty to be honest with him and to herself, even if that means leaving him.

Likewise, staying with him because she doesn't want to 'let him down', is a big mistake and unfair on both of them. He deserves a woman who loves him unreservedly and is with him for no other reason than she wants to be. It doesn't sound like that to me. Treating him decently might mean stepping back and letting him go. He might sound like a wonderful man to the rest of us, but something is clearly lacking if OP is still being drawn to another man - especially a man who has crapped on her before.

I agree with all of that, apart from the last bit. Sometimes "happy" people have affairs crapping on good people. Other times it happens because they just don't love their partner or respect them as they should It doesn't mean this guy is lacking in any way.

It just means by the sound of it, he was a rebound and op has never got over her ex, and always hoped deep down for a reconciliation. He couldn't possibly do anything to stop that.

I think the only thing op should morally do, is be honest with the new guy.

fabforty

tinkerbell28 wrote: »

I agree with all of that, apart from the last bit. Sometimes "happy" people have affairs. It doesn't mean this guy is lacking in any way.

It just means by the sound of it, he was a rebound and op has never got over her ex, and always hoped deep down for a reconciliation. He couldn't possibly do anything to stop that.

I think the only thing op should morally do, is be honest with the new guy.

Agreed, although when I said 'lacking' I meant the relationship is lacking something as opposed to the new partner himself. I have to say that I don't believe that people who are genuinely happy in their relationship, go out and have affairs. They might get drunk and have a whoopsy moment I suppose, but to be actively contemplating ending your current relationship to be with someone else, something must be wrong with it. That's just my opinion, we can agree to disagree .

tinkerbell28

fabforty wrote: »

Agreed, although when I said 'lacking' I meant the relationship is lacking something as opposed to the new partner himself. I have to say that I don't believe that people who are genuinely happy in their relationship, go out and have affairs. They might get drunk and have a whoopsy moment I suppose, but to be actively contemplating ending your current relationship to be with someone else, something must be wrong with it. That's just my opinion, we can agree to disagree .

Indeed, so either way.

He had an affair and left op...op is almost in the situation of doing the same with her new partner. By the sounds of it because she never actually got over her ex...

bagpussbear

What struck me first from reading your post OP is that I didn't see the word 'love' mentioned when you referred to your new partner. To say "I have a nice life" isn't quite enough is it.

You long for a loving emotional fulfillment, yet your ex didn't provide that and it appears your new partner doesn't fulfill that for you either. Perhaps it's because neither person are right for you.

Anxiety and depression are terrible things, and cloud judgement. To feel this way so strongly after 2 years, I wonder if you have just not got over the shock?

Good you have counselling and I would say keep that up. How long have you been on the antidepressants? Could be a change in dose, or brand might help you along and help you cope, but you do need to put some closure to this, otherwise it will drive you insane and you don't deserve that.

Forgive me if this sounds blunt, but your ex doesn't want you for YOU, but for a cosy, comfortable, back to what he knows, relationship. If he said it's because he misses you terribly, or loves you, or made a terrible mistake that would be one thing, but he doesn't. For the sake of the family he says eg. because his other woman has gone and you are the better option than for him to be on his own. You deserve much better than that.

My advice would be to a) stop meeting up with him and b) continue counselling to feel all the emotions to let you grieve for this past relationship (which you don't appear to have done, and which is normal) and then you'll feel able to move on and the anxiety will fade.

Wish you the best of luck OP.

Gigglepig

Sounds like you aren't over your ex yet, and perhaps rushed into another relationship a bit too soon. Doesn't mean that going back to the ex is the answer. If it has taken 2 years for him to want to come back, well, sounds like he he never put family first, if he waited for the other relationship to break down before turning to you.