Feeling bullied and my face doesn't fit

AliceBanned

dandelionclock30 wrote: »

Sounds to me like your quite low/ depressed.Like the others say please go to your Drs if your not well, they can help. No job issue is worth killing yourself over ever.No matter how bleak things look there is always a way forward.
It sounds like your in a strong position to get another job, what about contacting the agencies as well as applying for other things?

Thanks. I think I have been changing recently and moving towards "rockbottom" without feeling able to do much about it. Very sensitive about things - must be clinical depression. I have been very careful not to have time off and don't really want any mental health issues on my record, though have seen a work counsellor (at my workplace) a couple of years ago. She ended up telling HR and trying to shake up the dept, without divulging I had said anything. But it hasn't changed. My director ended up finding out because I told my manager I had been to the counsellor - the director found out and put 2 and 2 together. all this time I have just been trying to cope, not to do anyone in or get my manager in trouble. Just cope, progress, try and be happy, without success in that

.I have tried antidepressants, so many but I just don't sleep and feel spaced out all day - cannot do my job. I wish I could feel less low and I try, all the time. But somehow things are really tough. i do particularly find interpersonal relations at work a bit difficult. I am not the most confident person but then again this can be a vicious circle when you feel ostracised, which I have in that place for a long time. It is something in the dynamic and I made it clear to HR within six months of taking on the job. I have tried to reach out and form bonds with people but mud sticks, I guess. I have never gone out of my way to be unpleasant but maybe I just don't fit in.

I think I will feel better if I move on. I have a headache and am hardly eating due to the stress so I need to pull myself together and get another job.

Sorry to go on. It has been very helpful having supportive responses. I know I am not perfect and I may imagine things etc but it is a tough world out there and I've not had people to turn to very often; even friends are not particularly caring as they have their own lives.

Helpfulone

I had where I didn't earn much money and loved it. I moved to another job with a lot more money - got a higher mortgage and immediately regretted it. I think the mortgage is the thing that might be worrying you. I know I was worried sick about whether I could pay or not.

Unfortunately you don't know what's going on inside your managers heads and they might be gobsmacked with the paranoid thoughts you're having.

You can't change what's happening at work but you can change how you feel about it. Easier said than done. Good luck

AliceBanned

Another comment - I was quite depressed when I started this job - it is not an easy illness to cope with or get rid of and always comes back - and was bullied by a colleague because of this - she even pointed out in front of the whole office "you are depressed". Can you imagine?! And I think I am an easy target but i do know I have rights at work - you can't control other people's behaviour if people have wanted to undermine me they have gone ahead and done it and I have had to defend myself. Not easy but maybe not all workplaces are as dog eat dog as mine. What I am saying I guess is that depression makes you very vulnerable, and you feel perhaps even more vulnerable than you are - true as an earlier post said, my mind is probably too cloudy to know what is happening at work.

The other day when I had to see my director about something he had not got back to me on, he wouldn't look me in the eye. Wouldn't that make anyone paranoid? He also had not responded on something important; and denied hving received it. I said I had emailed it, (in a soft tone) two weeks before. I got the feeling this was sabotage. That is a different thing, to just not being appreciated or praised. Sabotage is more serious but again, I cannot prove for certain it was that. A few things like this have happened; I have always watched my back and followed up - but why should I have to?!!

Helpfulone

AliceBanned wrote: »

Another comment - I was quite depressed when I started this job - it is not an easy illness to cope with or get rid of and always comes back - and was bullied by a colleague because of this - she even pointed out in front of the whole office "you are depressed". Can you imagine?! And I think I am an easy target but i do know I have rights at work - you can't control other people's behaviour if people have wanted to undermine me they have gone ahead and done it and I have had to defend myself. Not easy but maybe not all workplaces are as dog eat dog as mine. What I am saying I guess is that depression makes you very vulnerable, and you feel perhaps even more vulnerable than you are - true as an earlier post said, my mind is probably too cloudy to know what is happening at work.

The other day when I had to see my director about something he had not got back to me on, he wouldn't look me in the eye. Wouldn't that make anyone paranoid? He also had not responded on something important; and denied hving received it. I said I had emailed it, (in a soft tone) two weeks before. I got the feeling this was sabotage. That is a different thing, to just not being appreciated or praised. Sabotage is more serious but again, I cannot prove for certain it was that. A few things like this have happened; I have always watched my back and followed up - but why should I have to?!!

How did your colleague know you were depressed? If she did and pointed it out that was quite a cruel thing to do. It does sound like you are extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Are there no other jobs out there that you'd be interested in? Sometimes a new start might help?

AliceBanned

Helpfulone wrote: »

I had where I didn't earn much money and loved it. I moved to another job with a lot more money - got a higher mortgage and immediately regretted it. I think the mortgage is the thing that might be worrying you. I know I was worried sick about whether I could pay or not.

Unfortunately you don't know what's going on inside your managers heads and they might be gobsmacked with the paranoid thoughts you're having.

You can't change what's happening at work but you can change how you feel about it. Easier said than done. Good luck

I am a first time buyer so you may be right - the anxiety is being played out in this way. Things have happened at work but no one has started a disciplinary yet..I know for a fact I can't trust many of them, but maybe that's just workplaces for you.

I think you are quite right about money too. I will have less spare money and will need to keep earning around £26k upwards - my outgoings will be more although my commute will be loads easier whereas now it is horrendous. Maybe all this change is playing in my mind and I have doubts that I can pull it off; mortgages are quite terrifying but then I realise I've never fallen behind on rent; only a tiny bit say £200.

I think I also have a self-destructive side of me so maybe I fear that I can't go ahead with the purchase, like a massive fear of success. My own self-sabotage. So neurotic I know.:(

AliceBanned

Helpfulone wrote: »

How did your colleague know you were depressed? If she did and pointed it out that was quite a cruel thing to do. It does sound like you are extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Are there no other jobs out there that you'd be interested in? Sometimes a new start might help?

In a word, she was a !!!!!. She seemed a bit crazy; very histrionic and selfish; to a pathological degree. She made my life hell for two years. (she's the one they managed out as she started to be nasty to a few other people). She picked on me for being quiet - in fact many people have done that throughout my life. In this dept in particular I have had a lot of criticism - for being quiet when a lot of my role involves writing and I am more interested in my work than in small talk. that may be strange and it may get people's backs up but i don't do it to irritate. I just want to be myself.

I am ready for a new start; I think it definitely would but my fear is if they do have it in for me I won't get another job. I need to go before/in case things escalate. I haven't been squeaky clean, but for the whole of the past year I have had way bigger workload than anyone in my office, I know that for a fact. I took it on to progress and don't mind, but i do want acknowledgement of it and that was difficult to get.

AliceBanned

Helpfulone wrote: »

How did your colleague know you were depressed? If she did and pointed it out that was quite a cruel thing to do. It does sound like you are extremely sensitive and vulnerable. Are there no other jobs out there that you'd be interested in? Sometimes a new start might help?

Maybe I was appearing to lack confidence - again though I preferred to spend lunch on own etc. Also she got a temp job as she went to the same set of interviews as me, and I got the job. I found out later as I was trying to work out why she hated me for no reason; she spent a lot of time undermining me. I reported it to HR but their response was that it was "anecdotal". Four years later they managed her out, when the top echelons of the organisation got to see she was a problem. It wasn't worth them listening to me, even though I was clearly distressed by it and it was bullying. I am too sensitive I know, so I am easy prey for bullies. I have tried to work on this but the pattern keeps repeating. I have got a lot stronger, but if an organisation starts to crush me; well then that's when depression can really set in as the fear and pressure will be a bit too much.

Ben84

Well, it's a difficult thing, because so much of this seems to be a feeling. It's also mixed up with a lot of other concerns and worries. Meanwhile, how valid your worries are I don't know, and it seems you're not entirely sure either. So I think you need to look for something solid, a plan or direction that helps you. For example, it sounds like finding a way to be more comfortable at work, either where you are now or another place would help. Finding ways to save money and/or extra sources of income is also very good for your independence.

The main thing however, it's no good, I know from experience, to be so caught up in how events are (or seem to be) pushing you around to not be doing your own thing. It's not always easy when stressed by your surroundings, I know that, but it's important to be focused on what you're doing and making it more about your choices and your influence. I guess what I want to say is don't just worry about outside events affecting your life, also think about how things you can make happen affect it, particularly the positive ones.

As long as you keep creating good things and asking yourself what gives you the best options, independence and security, your chances of being fine, whatever events may send your way, is very good.

AliceBanned

Takeaway_Addict wrote: »

It sounds a lot of he said, she said and in your head I'm afraid. You've seen someone managed out and paranoia is hitting that you maybe next.

Do not be held to a job because of a mortgage, move on if you want and worry about issues as they rise. No job is 100% safe.

Thanks - I used to do fairly long term temp contracts - ongoing really for as long as I wanted to stay - all admin type jobs in colleges or public sector, local authority, NHS etc. I would like to do this again, but since I last did them there has been the recession, and I now have a mortgage.

When it comes to renew my mortgage, if I have a temp job surely I won't be able to? Staying in a job which is not ideal has been partly due to me trying to apply for mortgages - so I had to work in a permanent contract to secure this - it doesn't suit me; I think many people get in a rut with it and you end up yourself and colleagues being a bit miserable and in a comfortable rut, if you know what I mean.

AliceBanned

Ben84 wrote: »

Well, it's a difficult thing, because so much of this seems to be a feeling. It's also mixed up with a lot of other concerns and worries. Meanwhile, how valid your worries are I don't know, and it seems you're not entirely sure either. So I think you need to look for something solid, a plan or direction that helps you. For example, it sounds like finding a way to be more comfortable at work, either where you are now or another place would help. Finding ways to save money and/or extra sources of income is also very good for your independence.

The main thing however, it's no good, I know from experience, to be so caught up in how events are (or seem to be) pushing you around to not be doing your own thing. It's not always easy when stressed by your surroundings, I know that, but it's important to be focused on what you're doing and making it more about your choices and your influence. I guess what I want to say is don't just worry about outside events affecting your life, also think about how things you can make happen affect it, particularly the positive ones.

As long as you keep creating good things and asking yourself what gives you the best options, independence and security, your chances of being fine, whatever events may send your way, is very good.

That's very helpful. It is something i struggle with (obviously!) and I was talking to a friend on the phone last night about worrying/negative thoughts and he was telling me similar things to what your post says. It is the only way forward; I will work on those insecurities and it's true that some financial independence would really help too.

I find workplaces difficult as I need honesty and transparency but maybe that's something I need to work on, as people can do and say what they like within reason and I agree, I need to focus on me and not let that worry me as much.:).

Actually thought of applying for a three month sabbatical, which is offered by my employer (unpaid) after five years' service. thought it might help me get my act together but won't be applying whilst in all this turmoil and feeling untrusted by my manager!