Feeling very low

whitewing

I think the fact that he has said he doesn't want to be a father figure shows how seriously he takes your situation and his own commitment to a relationship. If he were with you then he would be a stepfather (as you say not replacing their own father, but supporting the family situation). He is perhaps still young enough to dream of a baby with someone who doesn't already have children, as an ideal situation. Would you have wanted to have another child with a new relationship?

I already had a son when I met my now-husband. He was happy to have a child with me but was also happy to not have a child of his own. I would not have had another child if I had got together with someone who already had his own children. But I decided that it was important that my husband was not deprived of his own biological child (should it happen naturally; it would have been another discussion had IVF been necessary). We are both very glad that we had DD. I definitely think now though that DH having his own child was more important than how much I loved and needed him, and had I not been prepared to have another child then I think that I would have broken it off with him.

paulineb_2

If he wanted to be with you, hed be with you, the rest is just !!!!!!!!

Sorry to be so blunt but Ive been through similar, with someone who broke it off with me after about a year and a half and for a long time he hung around on the fringes of my life, upset, crying, saying he loved me, not enough to get his finger out and try very hard

Im sorry you are upset and it will take time to get over, I know exactly what its like to be really close to someone and you see them a lot and the one day totally out of the blue, they turn up and tell you its over

And all the emails saying sigh, just delete them. Prolonged contact does not help at all, I also found that out from experience.

Better to be on your own than be with someone who isnt as committed as they should be.

globetraveller

Kabazzzz wrote: »

It's not even as if I'm in love with the guy! We just get on so well and I'm missing the bones off him.

Perhaps that is why he is leaving you. He can't see a future with someone who doesn't love him It sounds like he perhaps wants to remain as friends- which seems to have all you have been all along.

Kabazzzz

I appreciate the bluntness... in fact, I know it all deep down. I am a believer of what will be, will be but, I am still hoping that he will change his mind. Of course, even if he does it doesn't change the fact that he's going so it's probably for the best if he doesn't!

It's so frustrating!!


I'm not ready to tell him to leave me alone though, plus we work together (same company, different building... same team... that I am due to return to on 1st Oct... and our desks are opposite each other! I know, I know!! I kept saying initially that we shouldn't act on our feelings purely for this reason but he pursued me... and now it's gone belly up!!


I never thought I'd have or even want another child but I did find myself daydreaming about one day having a child with him.. He's always said that he wants children one day. So I guess for me at least, I have discovered that I would if the right guy came along.


I am finding this thread helpful and therapeutic though so thanks everyone.

Kabazzzz

globetraveller wrote: »

Perhaps that is why he is leaving you. He can't see a future with someone who doesn't love him It sounds like he perhaps wants to remain as friends- which seems to have all you have been all along.

I told him how I felt about him a while ago... So he was under no illusions as to my position at all.

paulineb_2

Kabazzzz wrote: »

I appreciate the bluntness... in fact, I know it all deep down. I am a believer of what will be, will be but, I am still hoping that he will change his mind. Of course, even if he does it doesn't change the fact that he's going so it's probably for the best if he doesn't!

It's so frustrating!!


I'm not ready to tell him to leave me alone though, plus we work together (same company, different building... same team... that I am due to return to on 1st Oct... and our desks are opposite each other! I know, I know!! I kept saying initially that we shouldn't act on our feelings purely for this reason but he pursued me... and now it's gone belly up!!


I never thought I'd have or even want another child but I did find myself daydreaming about one day having a child with him.. He's always said that he wants children one day. So I guess for me at least, I have discovered that I would if the right guy came along.


I am finding this thread helpful and therapeutic though so thanks everyone.

If you arent prepared to tell him to leave you alone, be prepared for some serious heartache down the line. My situation wasnt that we worked together, but we went to the same college, in the end while he was on a placement year out I left and went to one nearer my home town (not due to him, other reasons)

I also saw a lot of him socially as two of my friends were engaged to two of his. It was just awful, theres no other way to describe it, when you see someone that you loved and I did love this guy, out on nights out and you arent together anymore, I spent years with him fluctuating between him telling me he had definitely made the right decision, to getting upset, crying, saying he loved me.

Im sure he did in his own way, the last time I saw him was 10 years ago in a pub, even then he was saying, he would look me up, he didnt and Im glad of that, because it took long enough to get over and that was because not only was he always around, I tried to be friends, but we couldnt be, there was no way, we had been too close and it just wouldnt have worked.

You cant help the fact that you work together, but be very aware if you dont cut contact outside of work, you will end up in a situation where either you have this half relationship where its over but neither of you can let go, or you have to wait and see that person meet other people, see them as partners, its tough, totally tough

I took years to get over someone when a clean break of 6 months or so would have helped tremendously.

Please dont pin all your hopes on one person, because no matter how well you get on, if he wanted you to be his gf, you would be.

Principia_2

Keep busy, go out and be open to new friendships and romances even if you don't feel like it at the moment. I'd keep contact personally but make sure it stays light and he understands how busy you are, I'd also make sure he did the chasing. Make some plans for tonight if you can and tell him you're out.

He may change his mind, sometimes a break can clarify that you can't live without someone but he may not.

If he does, all well and good. If he doesn't, then you're half way to over him by the time it's obvious he's not coming back.

justme111

As they said
If he wanted to be with you he would have
You want to start with " buts " now. - " he wants but this that and the other ". Sure. So due to these buts he does not want then at the end of the day ?
Yeah , shaking and crying and not a womeniser and decent guy - we know , we know. It's not nice for him either. It does not negate that he does not want you though.
You do not want to delete him from your life because you are strong and not afraid of appearing needy and you just do what you want to do , ie keep in contact with him. Because you miss him and you refuse to acknowledge he does not want you.
I been in a very similar situation , in fact still in touch.with the guy a few years later I believe I managed to get over it while still having privileges of emotional closeness with him , it taken a few years though and I may be deluding myself at the end of the day and it is not healthy and pathetic when one gives so high priority to emotional contact with one person , it does stem from mot positive things I believe. You of course would do what you feel like , I would just advise to be very honest with yourself as to what are the real reasons and feelings behind your actions u omissions ...

BitterAndTwisted

If you don't discourage contact what you could be telling him is that although he formally ended the relationship you could be OK with contact without the commitment of a relationship. And that's not a healthy route to be heading down at all.

If you're going to be sitting face-to-face at work in a short time you need iron resolve to admit to yourself that it's over and you're going to be OK with it. Accepting contact and responding to it won't let your heart mend while you're still wondering if he'll change his mind and come back to you. If you work together it's better that he doesn't for both of your sakes.

globetraveller

Kabazzzz wrote: »

I told him how I felt about him a while ago... So he was under no illusions as to my position at all.

I am not really getting this. Why are you low? is it because you are a losing a friend? Perhaps he has been happy to accept that you don't love him up till now but is reassessing and deciding he wants more. He is perhaps hoping that his absence will make you realise you do actually love him - which is obviously not the case so far. You need to let him go.