Living with a partner - how to decide what she should contribute financially?

duchy

Sounds like you need to decide if the house is "your investment" or "our first home together"

I wouldn't consider living with someone with intentions to marry but on paper been a lodger-either we're a partnership or we're not ...my partner and I both own our own homes but he has more equity than me (and no dependants for him) we're currently deciding whether I move in with him or if we buy somewhere together after our wedding -but he's made it clear that if I move in with him and clear my mortgage instead and we later sell both properties he's very happy with that as it's all joint. He wouldn't dream of asking me to be his lodger (but then he knows I wouldn't dream of making a claim on the house either)

noh

playaz wrote: »

.. lets be fair less people get married nowadays for a number of reasons.. one reason is simply the cost... I simply could not afford to get married and buy a house at the same time. We decided that having somewhere to live was a bit more important than a fancy all-frills wedding day/weekend.

Poor excuse.
If you want to get married it need not cost more than £200.

kmmr

There are lots of threads on this subject in the Marriages/Family board, and it always generates a lot of debate. People have strong views on both sides - from the 'we only have a single pot of money' side to 'we maintain separate accounts and reconcile monthly on a spreadsheet to make sure it's fair' side.

Each to their own, but I'll tell you what we do (and we are now married). DH earns less than me, and for a while we tried 50/50, and I got frustrated as I couldn't do the things I wanted to, as he couldn't afford it. eg. I want to spend on a nice hotel when we go away, and he wanted to go for the cheapest as it was what he could afford. Since I work pretty hard for the money, I was annoyed to have to go for a cheap break, with holiday money sitting in the bank for no reason. So we agreed that I would provide the top-ups for upgrades to things I wanted. He gets a better holiday, and I get to relax and enjoy the money I have earned.

I'm not saying I have a need to spend every penny I earn, but I don't believe in saving for savings sake - you should get enjoyment from time to time. And it's no fun without your partner!

I say 'agreed', when in fact it just kind of happened. It's the same with clothes, even groceries (I put more into the joint account we use for shopping, so I can throw in the organic meat without getting a glare!).

I cover all mortgage costs, and always have, although DH covers a number of bills, and most costs for the car.

In the end, I think we should both have enough to enjoy our lifestyle, so we think more about making sure we have a similar level of leftover disposable income, rather than how we share the bills.

[Deleted User]

When my partner and I moved in together (we were engaged) I had just had a serious accident which had forced the liquidation of my business and I was left with large business debts. I moved into his house and there was never any suggestion that I would pay for anything. All my money was going on paying my business loan and small personal outgoings like my mobile phone, car insurance etc. He paid all the household bills.

2 years on, I have a new job and my debts are sorted and now my husband (we got married for less than £2000) has lost his job. So now I pay for everything in the house. The only discussions we have ever had about who pays for what revolves around what NEEDS to be paid and the money available, not what is mine or his. I guess I'm just really lucky that I found someone who has the same attitude to money and relationships but I really thought it was the norm until I started reading this forum :rotfl:

pmlindyloo

victoria61 wrote: »

When my partner and I moved in together (we were engaged) I had just had a serious accident which had forced the liquidation of my business and I was left with large business debts. I moved into his house and there was never any suggestion that I would pay for anything. All my money was going on paying my business loan and small personal outgoings like my mobile phone, car insurance etc. He paid all the household bills.

2 years on, I have a new job and my debts are sorted and now my husband (we got married for less than £2000) has lost his job. So now I pay for everything in the house. The only discussions we have ever had about who pays for what revolves around what NEEDS to be paid and the money available, not what is mine or his. I guess I'm just really lucky that I found someone who has the same attitude to money and relationships but I really thought it was the norm until I started reading this forum :rotfl:

This is exactly how I feel about it

As the OP said you never know what is going to happen in the future. He is earning good money now and his girlfriend isn't. But what would happen if, in the future, the roles were reversed or the OP found he was out of a job or whatever? Would the OP's girlfriend support him/pay the mortgage for him/pay the bills etc etc.

For me this is what being partners is all about. Sharing the good times and the bad.

OP, if you are intent on being in charge of your own money I would suggest you get plenty of insurance to cover you if you should lose your job or not be able to work for some reason.

Kynthia

If you're not married and don't yet view yourself as good as married and in a life long partnership then I believe you are both right to not yet merge your finances and consider financially protecting yourselves. Alternatively your girlfriend moving in with you is not a purely business arrangement and you shouldn't be trying to profit from her like you would with a lodger. She is a member if your household, someone you care about. As you do not wish her to gain any of the equity in the property i believe she should be paying less than you. When you factor in that she earns significantly less than you it is even more the case that she should pay significantly less.

So bearing that in mind you need to have a discussion and reach a compromise that means you get enough that you don't feel like she's freeloading and where she doesn't feel like you are profiteering, and that you are both happy. Then you can agree to reassess yearly, or when her salary increases, or when you propose or marry.

burnoutbabe

does it matter that the gf doesn't have any legal rights to the place? if she isn;t paying any rent, then she can save money towards a future place.

I don't charge my OH any rent, as i don't want any issues as to him contributing towards my mortgage (i had the house before I met him). But he saves the £500 he was paying in rent before so we can buy together in the future.

But if the advice is the op WANTS to buy with her but advisors say no as no income, well that's rubbish, non earning spouses are on mortgages and house deeds all the time. They don't add to the amount you can borrow but they also don't take away from it. Of course if you don't want her to share the house then that's fair enough, and just don't charge any rent, but split all other costs 50/50. And re-assess in a few years.

playaz

noh wrote: »

Poor excuse.
If you want to get married it need not cost more than £200.

No offence but that would be ONE pretty depressing day with a budget of £200.. not sure what the average wedding day costs but when I last checked it was in the tens of thousands not hundreds :-)

Mojisola

playaz wrote: »

No offence but that would be ONE pretty depressing day with a budget of £200.. not sure what the average wedding day costs but when I last checked it was in the tens of thousands not hundreds :-)

That's because you're mixing up "getting married" with "having a wedding do".

playaz

kmmr wrote: »

There are lots of threads on this subject in the Marriages/Family board, and it always generates a lot of debate. People have strong views on both sides

U ain't wrong there!! At the end of day I'm just asking for a little wee-bit of advice but some people get a little worked up with their responses

I haven't gone through anything like divorce which I can understand must be a nightmare, so in that respect I do not have 'life experience' that some people on here think I'm lacking.

Thanks for the comments they are all welcomed :-)