Not in love after a year....

hlw1810

I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year. We see each other every weekend and and 2 evenings a week he stays over.
Both late thirties - I was previously married and have kids - him never married no kids.

It's my first serious relationship since my marriage ended 4 years ago and only his second serious relationship. Things were quite up and down as we got to know each other for the first 6 months, but very stable since then.
My issue is that he doesn't love me I brought the issue up in May as I was desperate to tell him I loved him and biting my tongue all the time but it upset him and made him feel pressured. I really don't want him to say it when he doesn't mean it so I apologised for bringing it up.

I put it out of my mind for weeks, but we've recently been on holiday together, and then our 1 year 'anniversary' came and went.... and now it's really bothering me again. Yet I feel like I dare not bring it up again as it upset him so much last time.

It really hurts, because I know if he's not saying it it means he's not feeling it. But how long am I supposed to wait? I need to be in a loving relationship and I need to hear it. In every other way he's there for me and does things for me. He's just not verbally or very physically affectionate.
It just makes me feel insecure and unhappy and I don't think I can carry on waiting for ever. I don't know what to do?

whitewing

If you stay in a relationship where you don't feel loved, you are potentially stopping yourself from meeting someone who will love you.

After a year, if it doesn't make you feel good, I would end it. (And properly break it off not drag it out hopefully).

smartpicture

whitewing wrote: »

If you stay in a relationship where you don't feel loved, you are potentially stopping yourself from meeting someone who will love you.

After a year, if it doesn't make you feel good, I would end it. (And properly break it off not drag it out hopefully).

Completely agree.

[Deleted User]

Could you live with someone that isn't verbally or physically affectionate for the rest of your life.
After one year he should know whether he is in love with you. If hes saying he isn't walk away.
What did you both do to mark your 1year anniversary together?
Did the day pass without him saying anything or doing anything. Actions speak louder than words I know, but to hear someone say I Love You and mean it means a hell of a lot. He should be excited and pleased to be with you. Any man that isn't isn't worth the wait until he is.

StuC75

is there not a distinction between loving and in love.. If he's there in every other way what difference would that make.. What kind of relationship history \ track record is there on his part?

Just to give context, came out 11 year relationship where ex would say the L word many times a day - but wasnt the clingy type (her words),, but then decided nothing was what she wanted (so that L word had just been a lie)..

new relationship now, and I have no desire to hear that word, but much prefer the time and interest spent together and affection.

pops5588

I feel very sad reading this OP because this sounds exactly like my lovely mum

She was married to my father for 17 years and he was/is a horrible man. When they divorced she put her life on hold for me and my sister and finally met someone 3 years ago. She loves him so much, but he point blank refuses to tell her he loves her back he says he doesn't want to commit just incase the love of his life comes along. He is 60 for gods sake.

It leaves her distraught every so often but she can't bring herself to leave him. It's hard because when things are good between them (and they are 99% of the time) I can see she's really happy. But as her daughter and knowing that she was in a cruel, loveless marriage for such a long time, all I want is for her to have that experience of having someone tell her they love her for who she is and to mean it from their soul. And quite frankly most of the time I want to slap her boyfriend around the face with a rotting trout for being so......gahahhhhh!!!

Please don't rob yourself of a chance to find someone amazing who cherishes you for who you are. People like you and my mum deserve to find it just as much as the next person. It is his loss. x

duchy

Does he not love you ....or is he just one of those blokes who has trouble saying it ?

Have you discussed the future or are you "just dating" ?

He may be very happy with the way things are......a steady girlfriend to spend time with, go on holiday with, have sex with.....and not want anymore............which is fine if that is all you want -but if you want/expect more -then say so. Worst that can happen is that he tells you he doesn't want any more than you currently have-leaving you free to look for a man who wants what you want -Best that can happen is he says - Yes I want a future but didn't know how to say so.

I'm fifty three - last year after a horrible marriage to a very selfish man and years as a single parent I met a lovely man who wants everything I want and we are very happy and getting married next year. Don't settle for second best.

Brighton_belle

pops5588 wrote: »

Please don't rob yourself of a chance to find someone amazing who cherishes you for who you are. People like you and my mum deserve to find it just as much as the next person. It is his loss. x

Got to agree with this ^^

There are several 'languages of love' so some people may find saying the 'I love you bit' very difficult but show in other ways you are cherished and very dear to them.
It doesn't sound like your BF is very cherishing in the way you need though. You shouldn't need to hide part of who you are after a year together.
If being with someone tactile and verbally loving really matters to you (and why shouldn't it!), please don't settle for less.

victory

hlw1810 wrote: »

I've been seeing my boyfriend for over a year. We see each other every weekend and and 2 evenings a week he stays over.
Both late thirties - I was previously married and have kids - him never married no kids.

It's my first serious relationship since my marriage ended 4 years ago and only his second serious relationship. Things were quite up and down as we got to know each other for the first 6 months, but very stable since then.
My issue is that he doesn't love me I brought the issue up in May as I was desperate to tell him I loved him and biting my tongue all the time but it upset him and made him feel pressured. I really don't want him to say it when he doesn't mean it so I apologised for bringing it up.

I put it out of my mind for weeks, but we've recently been on holiday together, and then our 1 year 'anniversary' came and went.... and now it's really bothering me again. Yet I feel like I dare not bring it up again as it upset him so much last time.

It really hurts, because I know if he's not saying it it means he's not feeling it. But how long am I supposed to wait? I need to be in a loving relationship and I need to hear it. In every other way he's there for me and does things for me. He's just not verbally or very physically affectionate.
It just makes me feel insecure and unhappy and I don't think I can carry on waiting for ever. I don't know what to do?

He may not be an emotional man and can't use the words but can he take care of you, do you feel connected, cared for, longed for,or do you always feel insecure and unhappy or does he bring you flowers, remembers what you like to do and go there with you? Is he affectionate, does he miss you when you are not there?

FBaby

It really hurts, because I know if he's not saying it it means he's not feeling it

Why are you certain of this? Some man just can't express how they feel in words. They start sweating just hearing the word, let alone say it. Somehow they attach a fear to it. That doesn't mean they don't feel it though. Maybe he is just scared that starting to talk about love will be the start of commitment words and that is what frightens him?

Is he acting lovingly otherwise? If his actions speak louder than his words, than I certainly wouldn't give up on it. Afterall, why would he be with you and see you so often and regularly so if he didn't feel at least some loving feelings towards you?

pops5588

hlw1810 wrote: »

He's just not verbally or very physically affectionate

So it isn't even like he is trying to reassure you with actions, even if he isn't able to do it with words for some reason. Very very sad.