Not in love after a year....

HPoirot

Why was he upset to hear that you love him? Surely it is to be expected in a relationship that has been going on for a while? He should be more worried (upset?) if you didn't love him. Is this his way of dodging commitment?

Goldiegirl

hlw1810 wrote: »

My issue is that he doesn't love me



It really hurts, because I know if he's not saying it it means he's not feeling it.

Has he actually said he doesn't love you?


If not, and you are happy with every other aspect of the relationship, why not just enjoy what you have.

Some people just find if difficult to say I love you, it's just the way they are.

Maybe he'll eventually feel comfortable enough to say it, maybe not.

If he does say it, would you expect him to keep on saying it? You say you need to hear it, but would you keep needing that re-assurance.?

If he's helpful, kind and supportive, and generally acts in a loving way, and you are happy with him, are those three little words that important?

Any if they are that important, is it worth the possibility of spoiling an otherwise good relationship?

Errata

If he's not even physically affectionate you sound like his friend with benefits.

kittendothroar

I think 'love' should be there fairly early on, certainly not still waiting after a year. Sometimes now I think of my previous relationship and wonder if I ever did really love him, a lot was just having settled down and not wanting change but I was missing out on so much it pains me now as to how much time I wasted.

Since seeing sense, I met someone earlier this year (was a friend of friend so not complete stranger but still someone never considered being mine!) and we moved in together in May. Certainly the L word came first, from me as I couldn't keep it to myself and he said it back not long after. We say it every day I am sure but its not essential, showing you care in other ways is what really matters. And I finally feel like I am in a real relationship where I am valued. Strange getting used to but entirely worth it. You owe it to yourself, life is short - live it!

If you are happy then be happy and enjoy what you have, but you wouldn't be posting here if you had doubts so think you need to really sit down together and decide what to do - not just for his sake but most importantly yours.

Good luck x

marisco_2

I would be very wary of someone declaring they loved me, too early on after I started dating them. However after a good few months together, there should be strong relationship bonds between you both. It seems strange that your boyfriend got so upset and said he felt pressured when you told him how you felt about him. To the degree that you now don't feel able to raise this with him again.

To be honest he sounds more like a good friend to you than a partner. That he is there for you and does things for you is nice, but if you don't feel loved and don't feel able to express your true feelings to this person, then you aren't sharing a full relationship with him. When you have a healthy and strong connection with someone you aren't unhappy and insecure. For your own sake you two need to talk. This shouldn't all be about his feelings, yours count just as much.

bagpussbear

If he hasn't said it after a year, with you seeing so much of each other, I don't think he is going to.

After that amount of time, I would think things would naturally progress towards love, but do you think he feels it but can't say it, or simply doesn't feel it?

Sounds like you have a good mate there, not an emotional partner.

If it was me, I'd bring it up again but be prepared that his answer might be a negative one and that I'd have to make a decision one way or another based on that answer.

hlw1810

Thank you for the replies - all very helpful. On our 'anniversary' he did buy me flowers and a card and wrote that it was one year since I changed his life and signed off 'All my love', as I signed my card back to him....

He's reciprocates affection and a couple of months ago said he 'loves spending time with me' - which stung to be honest.

When we discussed it in May he said that he will not say it unless he means it. He knows full well I want to hear it. He knows I want to say it to him, so I'm naturally assuming he doesn't feel that way.

I'm going to have to bring it up though as it is making me despondent which is not going to help things...

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

Why are you certain of this? Some man just can't express how they feel in words. They start sweating just hearing the word, let alone say it. Somehow they attach a fear to it. That doesn't mean they don't feel it though. Maybe he is just scared that starting to talk about love will be the start of commitment words and that is what frightens him?

Is he acting lovingly otherwise? If his actions speak louder than his words, than I certainly wouldn't give up on it. Afterall, why would he be with you and see you so often and regularly so if he didn't feel at least some loving feelings towards you?

hlw1810 wrote: »

It really hurts, because I know if he's not saying it it means he's not feeling it. But how long am I supposed to wait? I need to be in a loving relationship and I need to hear it. In every other way he's there for me and does things for me. He's just not verbally or very physically affectionate.

It just makes me feel insecure and unhappy and I don't think I can carry on waiting for ever. I don't know what to do?

I do agree with FBaby's post but, if hlw needs to hear it and he can't/won't be verbally or physically affectionate, it's always going to be an issue between them.

swingaloo

We have friends in this situation. She is madly in love with him yet he has told us that 'although she is a lovely person with a heart of gold and they are great friends he just does not love her'.

She has moved in with him and he has openly said that he has let her move in because the situation helps them both financially.

They get on so well and have the same interests and hobbies yet the most he will say is that he thinks very highly off her and that she is a great friend.

She gets quite upset knowing he does not love her and clings to the hope that one day he may say he does but Im sure that if it was going to happen it would have by now as they have been together 4 years.

When I asked what would happen if she moved out he simply shrugged and said he would miss her company. She on the other and says she would be distraught if they parted.

I feel sorry for her, it wouldn't do for me at all but on the other hand she says that its better than not having him in her life.

I said I would give up and move on but her reply was that she will never find another person she could possibly love as much as him.

So is she being 'short changed' or just making the best of the situation?

I was once told the way to think about it was not 'can I live with this person' but instead 'can I live without him?'

Maybe the OP needs to think about whether its better to accept him as he is or to cut her losses and move on.

Person_one

Does he know the real you now? Are you likely to change?

If he doesn't love the person he knows now, after over a year, I have to wonder if he ever will. He might be happy to stay in the relationship without being madly in love with you and if I'm honest I can see some real benefits to that! However, it doesn't sound like its what you want, so you have some serious thinking to do.